Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the loveliest weddings I’ve been to have been pretty simple. Usually a countryside or rural setting. Open bar but limited to a few specific drinks. Good food but lower cost such as Indian/pakistani/mexican/bbq - sometimes served buffet style where tables go up turn by turn and servers dish out the food. Fun DJ. Cupcakes for dessert. Everyone has a blast.

This was our wedding. I think people had fun. We have great photos.

They did not have fun. It is a complete pain in the butt to go to a wedding for me. I have one to go to in New Jersey and one in Long Island later this year. I am driving 5-6 hours to the wedding, booking a hotel, kids and wife getting new clothes, make up, nails done dress putting my dog in boarding. So the wedding is costing me a fortune to go to. Then you serve me a taco and a cupcake.

Cheap weddings are only cheap for Bride and Groom. Out of town guests it is a money pit so at least be nice. BTW none of my aunts or uncles or any of the older people can eat Indian, Pakistani, Mexican food and BBQ is a mess to eat in a suit. I went to one wedding like that, and there was a Wendy's late night drive through a block from catering hall and I went to it afterwards to eat and saw other people. All three of my kids were starving and so was wife. She has a stomach she cant eat anything spicy. And the buffet how do old people who cant walk well get the food? you expect their also old spouse to be a server?

Why do you need to get your nails done or new clothes for a wedding if you don’t even really care about it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the loveliest weddings I’ve been to have been pretty simple. Usually a countryside or rural setting. Open bar but limited to a few specific drinks. Good food but lower cost such as Indian/pakistani/mexican/bbq - sometimes served buffet style where tables go up turn by turn and servers dish out the food. Fun DJ. Cupcakes for dessert. Everyone has a blast.

This was our wedding. I think people had fun. We have great photos.

They did not have fun. It is a complete pain in the butt to go to a wedding for me. I have one to go to in New Jersey and one in Long Island later this year. I am driving 5-6 hours to the wedding, booking a hotel, kids and wife getting new clothes, make up, nails done dress putting my dog in boarding. So the wedding is costing me a fortune to go to. Then you serve me a taco and a cupcake.

Cheap weddings are only cheap for Bride and Groom. Out of town guests it is a money pit so at least be nice. BTW none of my aunts or uncles or any of the older people can eat Indian, Pakistani, Mexican food and BBQ is a mess to eat in a suit. I went to one wedding like that, and there was a Wendy's late night drive through a block from catering hall and I went to it afterwards to eat and saw other people. All three of my kids were starving and so was wife. She has a stomach she cant eat anything spicy. And the buffet how do old people who cant walk well get the food? you expect their also old spouse to be a server?

Anonymous wrote:Some of the loveliest weddings I’ve been to have been pretty simple. Usually a countryside or rural setting. Open bar but limited to a few specific drinks. Good food but lower cost such as Indian/pakistani/mexican/bbq - sometimes served buffet style where tables go up turn by turn and servers dish out the food. Fun DJ. Cupcakes for dessert. Everyone has a blast.

This was our wedding. I think people had fun. We have great photos.

We did not spend a ton on our wedding but I actually wish in retrospect that we'd gone even smaller, with just a courthouse ceremony and then a small reception at a local restaurant for just our immediate family and closest friends. I felt pressure to invite work colleagues and college and high school friends who had invited me to their weddings. And by including these folks who aren't necessarily my closest friends, it introduced an element of worry that I would be judged if I didn't do certain things or if people didn't have a good enough time. So I wound up doing things I actually did not want to do (hiring a DJ, spending way more on flowers than I wanted, having a rehearsal dinner) simply because I knew it was expected and I didn't want people to think I was cheap or lame for not doing it.

If I had it to do again, I'd keep it to about 20 people and focus on a nice meal (food is very important to me) in a cozy, pleasant space. I don't care about dancing. I prefer simple, uncomplicated decor. We'd rather have a great dessert than cake. I want space and time to talk to my loved ones and share stories and laugh, rather than interacting with everyone for a minute or two and spending our time on a dance floor.

I think I knew all this back then, too, but I felt pressure to conform to the expectations of others and caved.

When my kids get married (if) I will make sure to tell them early on that they don't have to do it any one way and that we will support them and participate in whatever feels right to them. I wish I'd had someone close to me who gave me that permission. I was too young and insecure to give it to myself back then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that some rich parents fund lavish weddings for their kids. The problem is that my parents are cheap/poor/dysfunctional.

And even more wealthy people fund ordinary beautiful weddings and don't flaunt wealth by being showy. They have guests coming from a lot of different backgrounds and they are mindful of that.

I am this wealthy

My children were taught the value of money no big lavish weddings in our family such a waste.

Houses or property something tangible not a $200,000 band or wedding dress for upwards of $50,000 or some insane four day celebration etc.

The next generation in our family will keep their wealth because they understand fiscal responsibility

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one for social pressure. I generally don't care what other people think of me. But, I have a lot of people I love and wanted at my wedding - invite list of 175 (final headcount 150). I also wanted to treat them well, with a nice dinner and open bar, and I wanted to have fun (DJ) and meaning (wedding at my church). And I live in DC.

My parents footed a VERY generous $45k, this was in 2018. At the outset, I thought, wow, money really won't be a blocker, we'll be able to just get whatever we want (I don't have expensive tastes). And honestly - within the parameters listed above, it was a budget wedding. It's INSANE how much every little thing costs. We had to watch the budget so, so carefully. The only way we could do it was to bring in a caterer from Baltimore, all of the DC caterers were out of our price range.

It was an amazing wedding and a fabulous day and by the end of it my face actually hurt from smiling so much. But damn, that price tag!!

This was exactly like ours too, slightly lower headcount and we had our cake made by a family friend too. It’s crazy that this would be considered a budget wedding.

45K has not been a big budget for a wedding since at least 1999.

in 2024 the average wedding on Long Island 58,245 and in Manhattan the average Saturday night wedding during wedding season is $100,000. These are average wedding costs published. A fancy wedding a budget would be much higher. Most parents today with daughters have the joy of spending up to $400k for college and then $100k for wedding. Yes you can push off costs on the kids for college and not chip in for wedding. But to be honest a crap wedding when father of bride is giving toast we all know who was cheapskate.

My family and my wive's family give good wedding gifts. Even the poor blue collar people and the retired people. they dont go a lot of weddings just nieces and nephews as both are sets of parents are immigrants.

As such we usually throw really nice weddings but not huge. Mine was only 120 people but super fancy and nice But remember, most of my close relatives gave $1,000. For that they are expecting super high quality event. Which I did. I just kept it a low amount of people. And of 120 guests nearly all couples. So 60 checks and of that 60 checks only the the closest 15-20 couples gave really good checks. In end I broke even counting in DJ, Limo and flowers. Which is perfect. But if I did a 300 person wedding how would that work? If only the first 15-20 couples giving decent checks I go bankrupt. I dont have enought rich friends.

I did go once to a 500 person 500 a plate wedding in 1996. OMG was crazy. But close couples were giving $5,000 each in 1996 and further out they were giving as little as $250 a couple. They actually got around $250,000 in gifts so also broke even.

I also went to a VFH hall wedding with tap beer catered by delli. That couple was very young in college and parents broke and did not support weeding. They also broke even. They knew guests giving like $40 or $50 a couple so planned it that way.

Anonymous wrote:The social pressure to spend tens of thousands is immense. Even being financially secure it makes me cringe to spend this much.

They do not have to cost that much.

I'm a first generation immigrant, when I met my future husband ( American), I was finishing my degree. I didn't have money, and he was divorced ( no kids) 2 years ago. We literally got married in the court and have never had any formal wedding. He didn't care about formal wedding ceremony, and my family was living on the other continent anyway. We are married for 25 years. It's OK. We don't have any regrets, we prefer travel every year.

We spent $350 including Dom Perignon breakfast for us and 3 witnesses at the Boston Ritz Carlton. Married 45 years. Spent hundreds of thousands on travel.

Our wedding ended up being the first wedding in a generation on both sides of the family--it had been almost 20 years since the last family wedding. Parents contributed because they really wanted the families to gather. It was really nice and it was the only wedding my grandparents attended as grandparents before they passed. It was literally the only time their whole family was together.

My siblings got married a few years later and had smaller weddings because there was less pressure to include every cousin and aunt/uncle. Plus the grandparents had passed so there wasn't that draw to have everyone there for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that some rich parents fund lavish weddings for their kids. The problem is that my parents are cheap/poor/dysfunctional.

And even more wealthy people fund ordinary beautiful weddings and don't flaunt wealth by being showy. They have guests coming from a lot of different backgrounds and they are mindful of that.

+1

Expensive weddings are about showing off wealth and signaling success, which ironically is a classless thing to do.

A wedding is about having a good time with friends and family. All you really need is music (preferably live) and an open bar.

Some of the loveliest weddings I’ve been to have been pretty simple. Usually a countryside or rural setting. Open bar but limited to a few specific drinks. Good food but lower cost such as Indian/pakistani/mexican/bbq - sometimes served buffet style where tables go up turn by turn and servers dish out the food. Fun DJ. Cupcakes for dessert. Everyone has a blast.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one for social pressure. I generally don't care what other people think of me. But, I have a lot of people I love and wanted at my wedding - invite list of 175 (final headcount 150). I also wanted to treat them well, with a nice dinner and open bar, and I wanted to have fun (DJ) and meaning (wedding at my church). And I live in DC.

My parents footed a VERY generous $45k, this was in 2018. At the outset, I thought, wow, money really won't be a blocker, we'll be able to just get whatever we want (I don't have expensive tastes). And honestly - within the parameters listed above, it was a budget wedding. It's INSANE how much every little thing costs. We had to watch the budget so, so carefully. The only way we could do it was to bring in a caterer from Baltimore, all of the DC caterers were out of our price range.

It was an amazing wedding and a fabulous day and by the end of it my face actually hurt from smiling so much. But damn, that price tag!!

This was exactly like ours too, slightly lower headcount and we had our cake made by a family friend too. It’s crazy that this would be considered a budget wedding.

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that some rich parents fund lavish weddings for their kids. The problem is that my parents are cheap/poor/dysfunctional.

And even more wealthy people fund ordinary beautiful weddings and don't flaunt wealth by being showy. They have guests coming from a lot of different backgrounds and they are mindful of that.