Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Do you really think that parents who made sure all of your basic needs were met but just didn’t go the extra mile re: help with homework and putting you in lots if extracurriculars were “terrible” and “neglectful”? Because that’s what the PP before you was talking about.

My parents, is that you?

Yes, I do think that putting in zero emotional effort and constantly reminding your kids of the fact that you gave the bare minimum of care makes you a bad parent. But I was reading between the lines on that pp’s post. Their parents didn’t know or care about them emotionally, and I guarantee they felt that in subtle ways, and that is the pain they were trying to convey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Much harder than expected in the early years because they did not sleep through the night for a very long time and were very active kids, lovely in the elementary years, and is now so very hard in the teen years. I didn't think raising teens would be easy, but I also did not expect it to be this difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Do you really think that parents who made sure all of your basic needs were met but just didn’t go the extra mile re: help with homework and putting you in lots if extracurriculars were “terrible” and “neglectful”? Because that’s what the PP before you was talking about.

NP here - yes, parents are "neglectful" and "terrible" if they do nothing beyond meeting physical needs. Meeting emotional needs is incredibly important for healthy development - see all of child psychology literature.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Do you really think that parents who made sure all of your basic needs were met but just didn’t go the extra mile re: help with homework and putting you in lots if extracurriculars were “terrible” and “neglectful”? Because that’s what the PP before you was talking about.

Lady - your kid is still a baby. When they get to be a little person like age 13 - you will be feeling like age 1 was a dream!

I'm not saying it's not hard at ages 0-3 - but getting through these years, the next years are different but if not just as hard, even harder!

It's a marathon not a sprint.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Harder. But one has ADHD and is extremely difficult.

But, I will say. The joys/rewards of having children are well worth the many many sacrifices that good parents make.

Anonymous wrote:No, easier. I think it was a struggle from about 0-3, but once they were toilet trained, could express themselves and we were down to one nap a day, things felt very manageable. But to be fair, I have easy kids, a very involved husband and a nanny. That's basically a winning combination.

If your baby is only 9 months, you may not be getting enough sleep - are you and she sleeping through the night? Is she an easy baby?

If you have a nanny and engaged partner, than you are not carrying the load that many mothers are.

I gained immediate respect for the parents among my co-workers. . I remember thinking, “Wow, they have been working for hours before work. I just rolled out of bed and never considered that they had woke, dressed and fed their kids. Dropped them at daycare and made it into work on time.

As a single patent, I found it difficult (before I went back to work), that there were no breaks. The responsibilities were constant. I could barely shower or find time to get groceries.

At least when they are little, they look up to you and show affection. Teenagers still need engaged parents, but they don’t typically admit that or appreciate you.

Do talk to other moms. They get it.

Honestly, I never thought about it much before becoming a parent. It has not been hard for me but DH does help a lot around the house at least.
Thankfully, I do well on a little sleep so baby and toddler years were fine. The emotional rollercoasters of MS and early HS are the worst IMO.

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.