Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is worse with two houses. This won’t stop.

This is what I experienced during the separation. He could not leave me alone. He would send me sometimes twenty emails a day about trivial practical stuff. As in twenty different threads plus replies etc. He would pick things apart and get very triggered and threaten me and call me names. I get upset just thinking about it.

Plus the coordination was terrible. Required a lot of back and forth. One house is much better.

We nested and did not tell the kids, we alternated almost daily and just said mommy and daddy have to work late. They didn’t mind at all. I feel glad at least we spared them that anxiety.

I am the PP you responded to. Agree completely. People don’t understand this and they assume that when you get divorced, the stuff just stops when really it doesn’t and it only gets worse and more complicated when there are two houses because when they were kids, there is no freedom until they grow up and her out of the house. Divorced almost 4 years and it’s not better—and now we are going to start nesting probably again because the two house thing with this behavior is so much worse than being married and being in the same house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

+ 100. We have conversations like this in our house without anyone blowing up about it.

You mean you don’t perceive everything your spouse does as needling and insulting and block their number when you get frustrated with them?

Did you read what you are responding to? NO, we are not normalizing what the psycho DH did. The OP's conversation with her kids was a normal reaction to a very small situation. People are going all apesh*t on OP that she put her kids in the middle and blah blah blah. I know people on DCUM will twist ANY situation so that they can dogpile on the OP, but this is beyond the beyond.

This is all on the DH.

Anonymous wrote:
Some previous posters do not seem to understand that someone who tends to overreacts and has anger management issues cannot be a good partner, because they significantly increase the levels of stress and anxiety in the household. Feeling gaslighted and blamed for no reason is not conducive to a healthy upbringing, even if his anger is not directed at the children.

You have all my sympathies, OP. I have a husband like that, and it's been difficult.

+1 million . I have a husband like that, too, and I wish I had left him 20 years ago. I see the effect staying with him has had on our family. In hindsight, I would have been better off on my own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband is an AH, but I also think your conversation with the kids was inappropriate for elementary kids.

Kids - we watched X show with Daddy!
You to kids - How fun! I’ll have to catch to you, don’t tell me what happens!
You to spouse - Hey, kids said they watched X show. I was watching that with them. Can you hold off on watching any more episodes before I get home? Sorry I didn’t tell you that be fire I left.

OP here

Yes I totally agree that would have been the best way to handle it. I regretted that I said something to them, although they were like whatever cool he was not. I did mean to talk with him before I left. He stayed out until midnight and I had to crash for the flight, then it slipped my mind while packing to call.

OP, it's an episode of a tv show. Do you realize how trivial that is? That it is a big thing in your life or that you are using it as one with your kids in the middle is concerning.

These power dynamics and need to control on your part are not changed by separating, as you literally learned. Find a DBT therapist and work on you, do not mention DH at all.

I was once you and I also found coda useful.

You are externalizing your emotional regulation to keep the dynamic going and probably because you are not neurotypical either. Work on you.

It is not a big thing in my life. I realized once it came out of my mouth that I needed to address with DH — let him know what I said and head off the inevitable drama. I forgot and this is what happened.

I will look into CODA. Already have a DBT therapist, she’s very good. She has not recommended DBT or CBT for me. She is mainly focused on trying to get me not to minimize what’s going on. She clearly thinks the marriage is abusive and that I’ve stuffed my anger down to cope.

OP how old are your kids?

Anonymous wrote:It is worse with two houses. This won’t stop.

This is what I experienced during the separation. He could not leave me alone. He would send me sometimes twenty emails a day about trivial practical stuff. As in twenty different threads plus replies etc. He would pick things apart and get very triggered and threaten me and call me names. I get upset just thinking about it.

Plus the coordination was terrible. Required a lot of back and forth. One house is much better.

We nested and did not tell the kids, we alternated almost daily and just said mommy and daddy have to work late. They didn’t mind at all. I feel glad at least we spared them that anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and DH have experienced a breakdown of trust, so every disagreement starts a fight. One of you can be the peacemaker and change the direction, or you can keep hustling along to divorce.

This is such a knee-jerk post-therapy response.

Yeah, right.

Who will be the "peacemaker" PP?

I read most of this thread, and I'm sure it's not going to be the DH here!!

OP, I think your DH is on the spectrum. He probably has other issues, but his behavior sounds very spectrum-y to me.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-heart-autism/201511/married-partner-the-autism-spectrum

He may have other issues too, but being on the spectrum makes most therapy useless. You need to find a therapist specializing in NT/ASD couples.

Or get ready to leave, which it sounds like you are doing. It's tough, OP. Blessings and strength to you.

That’s an interesting link. I know he has anxiety and he has referred to his OCD a lot but I don’t know if it’s an official diagnosis. For sure he has trauma.

He told our therapist the other day that he was struck by how our therapist could understand my feelings. He said I listen to the same words but I can’t hear what you hear. How can I do that?

He is extremely literal. I feel like I need to translate things into very simple, blunt, concrete language for him to understand. And his work requires high level math.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don’t think therapy will help this guy.

I don’t know what happened. He got progressively worse since COVID, but he wasn’t like this all the time and so severe when we married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
On OP’s side. This seems like a very minor convo with the kids that the husband made into a thing.

I am sorry but as the spouse at home when you travel, my job is to keep the kids happy and in their routine. Doing the things the kids miss doing with you is a big part is that. Guilt tripping the kids about doing an activity with their other parent is not OK.

I am not saying that blocking OP wasn’t also wrong, or they the other kids of abusive behavior OP describes aren’t also bad but if they are true then putting the kids in the middle between herself and an abuser that she left them alone with is really problematic.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!

Who was this? Must have missed that thread.

Re: your post, OP, I would have let this go re: the tv show. I'd also be careful thinking co-parenting with him is going to greatly change your quality of life.

What diagnoses if any do the kids have? Kids with anxiety, ADHD and ASD do especially poorly with shuttling, I can attest.

OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.

We already tried a separation. There was no improvement in my quality of life. He harassed and threatened me during it, including screaming in my face. That’s why I am trying in therapy.

Oh my. I would divorce. Process is ugly but worth it.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

I think you need to bite the bullet, get your ducks in order, and prepare for divorce.

Your DH sounds beyond reasonable. Are you really doing your kids any good letting them see this situation? What do you think your DH said to them when he was so angry about your comments about the TV show? I find it hard to believe that he could hide his feelings about you from them.

Divorce will be incredibly painful at first, but it will get better. In the long run, you and your kids will be better. They should not be in this situation. It's not healthy for anyone. Even if you think you're hiding it from the kids, trust me, you are not. They know there's a problem.

He used to be more trigger happy with them as well. I explained to him very bluntly after our oldest wrote an essay in second grade at school about how he said some mean things to her that hurt her feelings that the next essay would be about how he hurt her when he grabbed her, and CPS would be here. We also did a parenting class. Since then he has calmed down a lot.

He is in general fine with the kids. He says he does not want to do the “grey work” of cooking, driving etc. He likes to be the dad who spoils them and says yes. Fine, whatever — I cannot change that. There is some yelling when he is triggered but it’s not enough to change custody. I have checked. He will get 50/50. Another reason I am reluctant to exit quickly.

It is worse with two houses. This won’t stop.

Wow. I don’t think therapy will help this guy.

Anonymous wrote:Unf when living with a psycho like him you need to walk on eggshells and severely limit communication since he blows up at anything and everything

Yes. I am moving off text and email and onto a parenting app. We have a parenting schedule —ostensively because he said he needs his time and autonomy to himself to pursue his hobbies, travel, go out with friends — but I embraced this because I just do not want to interact with him if possible. I do extra childcare and driving on his days to make him happy (he doesn’t want the kids in activities) but it’s worth the price of just not having another complaint and issue. Everything becomes an unpleasant drama. It’s so unnecessary and such a waste of energy that I am at the end of my rope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and DH have experienced a breakdown of trust, so every disagreement starts a fight. One of you can be the peacemaker and change the direction, or you can keep hustling along to divorce.

This is such a knee-jerk post-therapy response.

Yeah, right.

Who will be the "peacemaker" PP?

I read most of this thread, and I'm sure it's not going to be the DH here!!

OP, I think your DH is on the spectrum. He probably has other issues, but his behavior sounds very spectrum-y to me.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-heart-autism/201511/married-partner-the-autism-spectrum

He may have other issues too, but being on the spectrum makes most therapy useless. You need to find a therapist specializing in NT/ASD couples.

Or get ready to leave, which it sounds like you are doing. It's tough, OP. Blessings and strength to you.

We did have one therapist who asked me if he was on the spectrum. Another one asked him point blank what his diagnosis was and asked to work with his therapist. Another one made him do individual therapy (with the MC) alongside the couples sessions.

Yes, we are on the fifth therapist. Several of the others were online and they just couldn’t keep him calm enough to do a session. The man now is very good and experienced with trauma, speaks his language. It’s been two months and no more yelling since we started. I am going to give it four more months. If he doesn’t have some kind of breakthrough or get a diagnosis/treatment then I will leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

So, in other words, you’re requiring your kids to watch a different show when they are with their father. Do you realize how insane that is?

The fact that you said oh, I wish you would’ve waited for me and you think that isn’t synonymous with oh, that’s our show pick a different one for dad.

Listen, I don’t give a s**t if your husband‘s in a hole or not. Maybe you’ll stay together maybe you’ll divorce it doesn’t matter. But your communications skills and your controlling attitude is going to make your children hate you.

Doesn’t fall far from the tree, which do you have anxiety or ADHD or both?

Look your husband found the thread!

For real. I actually had a similar situation last week when the kids said dad didn’t want us to watch Harry Potter 2 w/o him. It’s really weird that people are making this out to be some controlling terrible thing. I’ll gladly wait to watch show or movie so a family member can join in.

Anyway, OP is not married to a reasonable person and should, therefore, be extremely cautious about how she communicates anything because it sounds like he will use anything to justify an attack.

It goes two ways. She is needling him and undermining him while he is taking care of the kids.

This is what I see, too, parsing though all of the very one-sided in the OP’s posts. She has said not one thing about her DH being a neglectful or abusive father to the kids. Obviously, there is a deep-seated pattern of pettiness and undermining EACH OTHER as parents.

OP, you can spend all of the time in the world trying to psychoanalyze him, set boundaries, get him to “understand” - but to what end? Just get a divorce already and co-parent with strict limitations on your communication. Just do not engage.

It is clear that you two trigger each other for some reason and that will never change. It just isn’t worth it for anyone.