Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 21:18     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
I see a therapist but my husband refuses . Normal therapy or sex therapy he refuses it all . That’s why I was saying my situation is similar to OP . No an AP is not the first route obviously but weve been bickering over this for a long time
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:59     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:So to OP - I am going through something similar . My husband and I are both attractive people . I love him and we have two young kids together . He was a virgin when I met him but when we were engaged we had sex and it was good . After having kids , he has become so vanilla. He doesn’t give me oral anymore , always has sex in missionary and finishes too fast . I’ve had the conversation directly several times that I’m not being pleasured the way I want . He doesn’t seem to listen or seems embarrassed during the conversation. I got so frustrated I found an AP . The sex was amazing . Now I’m in a bad place . I’m not ready to give up custody of my kids but it sort of made me realize there is better out there . I respect your desire to either stay or divorce and not cheat . If I could go back I’d push him more and maybe give an ultimatum that things need to improve or I consider other options .


Why didn’t you go to a sex therapist??!?? Is an AP really the first resort in a situation like this??
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:56     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Unless you’re 25 in like a 10 out of 10 I’d be really careful. not quite sure there is many men out there as you might think. A lot of the flirting you’re probably getting etc. that makes you feel like you could have all these great people as superficial. I know many people who are just lonely, depressed, mortified, quite frankly, after leaving their husbands.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:54     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?


I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.


Why not just glance out say it? I want to do x position?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:54     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
So to OP - I am going through something similar . My husband and I are both attractive people . I love him and we have two young kids together . He was a virgin when I met him but when we were engaged we had sex and it was good . After having kids , he has become so vanilla. He doesn’t give me oral anymore , always has sex in missionary and finishes too fast . I’ve had the conversation directly several times that I’m not being pleasured the way I want . He doesn’t seem to listen or seems embarrassed during the conversation. I got so frustrated I found an AP . The sex was amazing . Now I’m in a bad place . I’m not ready to give up custody of my kids but it sort of made me realize there is better out there . I respect your desire to either stay or divorce and not cheat . If I could go back I’d push him more and maybe give an ultimatum that things need to improve or I consider other options .
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:18     Subject: Re:Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d figure out a way to get past this if I were you.

The idea that you might meet someone who checks all the boxes and is also indefinitely igniting passion is absurd.


Or you can have a string of fun and fulfilling relationships that last several months or more.

Lots of us do.


NP and if I had to go back in time and live my life over I think this is what I would do.


What a shallow existence.


If I could live my life over it would be without people in it
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 20:12     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
So, I guess pegging is out of the question. 😁
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 19:47     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?


I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.


Hurt his feelings! He may need a slap upside his head that he is hurting your feelings. It’s time to shake him up.


So I occasionally listen to the Sex with Emily podcast and she said something that really surprised me about many of these requests take many conversations. It’s not situation where if someone doesn’t change after the first couple conversations all is lost. The person needs to get over their shock, embarrassment, then understand what you are saying, what exactly is it that you, how do they change their mindset, then their actions etc. It was kind of eye opening to me truthfully.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 19:43     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?


I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.


Hurt his feelings! He may need a slap upside his head that he is hurting your feelings. It’s time to shake him up.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 19:20     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can only imagine this guy. Tighty whiteys, two pump chump, doesn’t go downtown and socks with Birkenstocks.
OP, man do I feel sorry for you.


I’m sure OP attracted the best she could.


The meanness on this thread always surprises me, even though it shouldn’t. Like why? Who hurt you that you have to be rude for no reason at all?

This is OP and for the record. We are both perfectly normal looking people who would both have no problem finding new partners. And that’s not a description of my husband at all.

Then stop complaining and enjoy your vanilla.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 19:16     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?


I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.


Without being too graphic, how much do you control things? If you take the lead and provide a lot of foreplay, does he follow that lead willingly? Maybe that would get him into a more receptive frame of mind. I’m thinking that perhaps you should get him really ready, then just offer something other than missionary (like turn over?) and say please?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 18:58     Subject: Re:Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Call me! Satisfaction guaranteed!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 18:37     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there’s some shame going on. Is there anything on his youth/childhood that might explain this?


Op here. Honestly I really don’t think so. He has done all these things before. I think he is really just stuck in his ways at this point. And now that others mentioned it, maybe he is afraid of not being able to perform in other positions. I really don’t know.


Dear OP, you must actually have the conversation with your DH, not with us. What is your plan to do so?


I have brought up many times that it upsets me. But clearly I have to be more direct in my questioning. I don’t even know how to ask something like that without hurting his feelings in some way though. But I guess that’s what needs to happen.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 18:35     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can only imagine this guy. Tighty whiteys, two pump chump, doesn’t go downtown and socks with Birkenstocks.
OP, man do I feel sorry for you.


I’m sure OP attracted the best she could.


The meanness on this thread always surprises me, even though it shouldn’t. Like why? Who hurt you that you have to be rude for no reason at all?

This is OP and for the record. We are both perfectly normal looking people who would both have no problem finding new partners. And that’s not a description of my husband at all.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 18:00     Subject: Not sexually fulfilled in otherwise great marriage
Oh FFS. I have several friends (both male and female) who are 40+ and happily remarried. No baggage or blended family tension to speak of, and they are much more compatible with their new partners than they were with the spouses they divorced. They all say that they are much happier.

OP needs to decide how important her sex life is with her husband. If he's not willing to make adjustments, hit the eject button. Life is too short to have bad sex just because you're afraid to get divorced.