Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

Yes! This is what I was thinking. It's very strange to go about it like op did. Op it sounds like you're saying "you're welcome to come... Or not. I don't care." Which would make anyone feel like they're not really wanted.

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk to.

Are you the OP? I remember a similar post to this one like a week ago. Is this the same OP of both posts.

I am the OP, but I just started posting today. I wasn't using this site a week ago and I'm not an avid daily reader, so sorry if I'm repeating something too similar to someone else.

Classic. OP starts a thread bragging about how she gut punched her mom, then when no one is impressed, she comes back to say: 1) actually I didn’t mention it but my mom is a narcissist who invites other peolel and makes me play scullery make so she deserved it; 2) I never read dcum but thought my approach would be helpful to many other lurkers on this site; 3) I don’t have time to be criticized so I’m out.

Op I will say that if your mom is truly that awful, you handled it appropriately. But it is not good advice for anyone who has a reasonably normal mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

When did your parents stop going to their parents’ home for Thanksgiving?

When it was agreed that they would host. Grandparents weren’t told we were no longer coming. There wasn’t a competing dinner elsewhere. Also my grandparents basically lived in a studio apartment.

So you were involved in your parent's discussions about Thanksgiving with their parents? This happens outside of most kids' hearing/vision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk to.

Are you the OP? I remember a similar post to this one like a week ago. Is this the same OP of both posts.

I am the OP, but I just started posting today. I wasn't using this site a week ago and I'm not an avid daily reader, so sorry if I'm repeating something too similar to someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

When did your parents stop going to their parents’ home for Thanksgiving?

When it was agreed that they would host. Grandparents weren’t told we were no longer coming. There wasn’t a competing dinner elsewhere. Also my grandparents basically lived in a studio apartment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

When did your parents stop going to their parents’ home for Thanksgiving?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like I"we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?