Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how often does DS see his siblings? GF or no GF, coming on this trip/or not, I hope DS is seeing his siblings once in awhile. That would be a huge reason to try to keep the tradition of a family trip going. For me, I generously finance visits of siblings spending time together. It's across country and quite expensive for them as young adults.

sure fine - but at some point you have to realize that mommy’s dream of her kids “spending time together” doesn’t take precedence over her childrens’ adult lives.

Sincerely, what makes you think that planning a trip and extending an invite to enable time with parents and siblings amounts to expecting that to take precedence over the child’s adult lives?

Adults generally spend their vacation time & money on themselves. A long family trip would be an exception.

That doesn't really answer the question. Why does the invite itself make you think that the parent offering is somehow expecting their desire to "take precedence"? In other words, why do you think that somebody who cares about the family enough to want this trip is also necessarily somehow not understanding that their child is an adult and may not want to or be able to do exactly what is offered when it is offered?


It would be unusual for my parents to offer to take me and my kids, along with my siblings's family, on a two week safari beach vacation in Africa. I would receive that as an awesome opportunity and see if I could make the timing work. I would not receive that as my parents imposing or putting their wishes above my own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

This isn’t a bad take. But if OP can’t afford to take partners on family trips, she can’t expect a command performance from the kids.

It kind of is a bad take though.
Would their offer be different if the DS were married to her? If they would cover it for DS and his wife, then they should cover it for DS and his live-in girlfriend. (And I do agree that they need to have a consistent standard. It seems reasonable that the standard is, for adult children over 21, "we will pay for you and your significant other to join us, if you would like." The adult children should be the ones to determine whether the significant other is "significant" enough in their lives to include in the scenario, not the parents.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest you start letting go of the “family vacation” idea at this point, especially one that requires a lot of expense and advance planning. That’s not really compatible with adult life.

YES. This.
He is 25. TWENTY-FIVE, OP.

I know times are different inasmuch as we have infantilized young men and women in their 20s at this point, but that you are seeking "alone time" and "family vacation" with your son without the romantic partner that he shares a life with is actually the issue here.
If they were married, you would never even think about floating the idea of whether he should come without her. At this point, it's nice of you to offer a trip and offer to pay for his ticket (but completely not necessary). But if you offer to pay for him and invite him along then you offer to pay for her and inviter her along too because they are playing house as though they are married. They aren't roommates.
If it turns out that they break up, well then you are out a ticket.
But as other posters have said, that's a small price to pay to start out on the right foot with the girlfriend/potential daughter-in-law.

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

This isn’t a bad take. But if OP can’t afford to take partners on family trips, she can’t expect a command performance from the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how often does DS see his siblings? GF or no GF, coming on this trip/or not, I hope DS is seeing his siblings once in awhile. That would be a huge reason to try to keep the tradition of a family trip going. For me, I generously finance visits of siblings spending time together. It's across country and quite expensive for them as young adults.

sure fine - but at some point you have to realize that mommy’s dream of her kids “spending time together” doesn’t take precedence over her childrens’ adult lives.

Sincerely, what makes you think that planning a trip and extending an invite to enable time with parents and siblings amounts to expecting that to take precedence over the child’s adult lives?

Adults generally spend their vacation time & money on themselves. A long family trip would be an exception.

I knew a guy who was a serial monogamist. Every year the family, extended family and friends would be invited to meet the girlfriend - a different one each time. And yes, he was serious on the marriage trail with each one. After a few years the extended family got tired of the rotating carousel of girls and just didn't want to take up his invitations anymore.
It was so draining to feel invested in getting to know a person only for that person to be replaced in a few months.

Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

There are no set rules, y'all will be fine either way. However, treating potential family members with respect and kindness is a good long term policy for all families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how often does DS see his siblings? GF or no GF, coming on this trip/or not, I hope DS is seeing his siblings once in awhile. That would be a huge reason to try to keep the tradition of a family trip going. For me, I generously finance visits of siblings spending time together. It's across country and quite expensive for them as young adults.

sure fine - but at some point you have to realize that mommy’s dream of her kids “spending time together” doesn’t take precedence over her childrens’ adult lives.

Sincerely, what makes you think that planning a trip and extending an invite to enable time with parents and siblings amounts to expecting that to take precedence over the child’s adult lives?

Anonymous wrote:Op, how often does DS see his siblings? GF or no GF, coming on this trip/or not, I hope DS is seeing his siblings once in awhile. That would be a huge reason to try to keep the tradition of a family trip going. For me, I generously finance visits of siblings spending time together. It's across country and quite expensive for them as young adults.

sure fine - but at some point you have to realize that mommy’s dream of her kids “spending time together” doesn’t take precedence over her childrens’ adult lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

Did you bring every boyfriend you ever had everywhere with you, on your family trips and all holidays? Really? How weird.

Once they are serious - yes. And for most people “family trips” aren’t really a thing anyway with adult kids.

This makes me laugh for two reasons:
1. It assumes that PP’s own lives experience is the norm

2. That even if it IS unusual to take family trips with adult children, that it is somehow bad or wrong.

It is unusual to have long, expensive family trips regularly that you expect your adult children to join.

Based on the description of your son and his relationship and the fact that you really like her I would invite her and pay for the ticket. We did this twice with our now SIL and I know my daughter really appreciated it. Maybe she won’t be able to get away but she will appreciate the offer. If I was your son and you didn’t invite her I’d likely not go on the trip because with limited vacation time at that age I’d rather spend a weeks vacation with my girl friend than with my parents.

Couples living together are considered partners, it doesn't matter if there is a ring or a license involved or not. It would've been different if they were just dating.

Op, how often does DS see his siblings? GF or no GF, coming on this trip/or not, I hope DS is seeing his siblings once in awhile. That would be a huge reason to try to keep the tradition of a family trip going. For me, I generously finance visits of siblings spending time together. It's across country and quite expensive for them as young adults.

Yes it is polite to invite her. If you don't invite her she will assume you don't like her, and if they get married there will be bad blood. It's ok to expect her/your son to pay for her ticket though