Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:13     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
We insist kids use Mr./Mrs./Ms.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:11     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.


So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?


No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.


It's your name. If the mother mispronounced your name, would you similarly feel like you couldn't correct her because you'd be contradicting her?


A mispronunciation is not the same as explicit behavioral instruction from the parent. If she pronounced my name incorrectly it would be a mistake, not a parenting choice. I would have no problem correcting a mistake, but as you can see by the posters here trying to pathologize my feelings, parenting choices are not open to correction in the same way. It's not my place to parent this kid, or to impose my standards on their family. They are well within their rights to tell their kid this is appropriate, and the fact that it's going to be received as appropriate by some and inappropriate by others is just the way things go. Like I tell my kids: different families have different rules.

The same way the poster upthread thinks Ms. Lauren, which is my default instruction for my kids, is weirdly Southern Maiden Aunt and the worst of all available options. You can't please everyone, and I'm not jumping down her throat for having a different reaction.


Sorry, you don't get to play the "everyone does what they want, no judgment here" card when you previously characterized this as an issue of "basic courtesy." In other words, people who let their kids use different names are somehow lacking courtesy? Please.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:06     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


Honorifics are all about hierarchy and authority, not familiarity. If you are fine with me calling you Lisa, but not my child, you concern is not familiarity but your hierarchical status. A child does not owe you any level of deference, only the courtesy and respect that they should show to any human being regardless of age.


This is unequivocally wrong. Familiarity doesn't mean knowing someone's name. My friends can call me not only my name but my nickname because they are my friends, and yes I am more familiar with them. Their kids are known to me, but we don't talk on the phone, we don't go out for drinks together, we don't give each other work advice, we haven't seen each other through ups and downs and marriage/death/divorce. You seem to think "I've met you once, now prove you deserve to be respected" is the universal "American" cultural norm, irrespective of age of the interlocutors, and anyone who deviates from it needs to explain themselves. Not so.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:06     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


Honorifics are all about hierarchy and authority, not familiarity. If you are fine with me calling you Lisa, but not my child, you concern is not familiarity but your hierarchical status. A child does not owe you any level of deference, only the courtesy and respect that they should show to any human being regardless of age.


Out of courtesy and respect I'd ask your kid to call me Mrs X since we call people what they like to be called, when told. I will also call you and your child by the names you prefer. But you don't get to decide what to call me. Pretty simple.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:06     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:I would. Way more parents with different last names than their kid in this area/age so Mr/Mrs Whatever doesn’t make sense as it did where I grew up


+1, I get called Mrs. My Husbands Name a lot by teachers and fellow parents and their kids and that's all well and good I guess, but it's not actually my name. It's funny that OP considers it somehow more respectful than just calling me by my first name, which is what I encourage.

Also, with little kids, I get a kick out of people calling me exclusively "Sophia's Mom" (pretend my kid's name is Sophia) and sometimes my kid would correct their friends and provide my first name and I laugh and say "it's okay, I also respond to Sophia's Mom." It's just a funny kidism I enjoy. I'd be delighted to be called that by the tweens, actually.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:04     Subject: Re:Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Yes, of course they can call people by their name…
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:02     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


Honorifics are all about hierarchy and authority, not familiarity. If you are fine with me calling you Lisa, but not my child, you concern is not familiarity but your hierarchical status. A child does not owe you any level of deference, only the courtesy and respect that they should show to any human being regardless of age.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 09:01     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


I think this gets closest to what is making me feel uncomfortable by the vehemence of the "any distinctions between kids and adults is fascism" crowd here. The idea that it's a sign of respect for a kid to call an adult Bobby or Claire instead of their name or title blurs the lines between kids and adults, and the existence of those lines is not just so adults can power trip and ask for curtseys or whatever Hyperbole Hal is on about. If your daughter is giggling on the phone texting and when asked she tells you it's from Jimmy, it's better to be able to know without digging further that Jimmy is not her 32 year old soccer coach testing the waters with the girls on the team. Or maybe this thread has reached the point where dick pics from adults are a sign of respect and that the adult that won't send them is a narcissist who thinks they're "above" teenagers.


My response to this is that it's really easy to ask your daughter "who's Jimmy?" if you've never heard of that person. And if she's going to lie to you that Jimmy is a school friend when he's actually a middle aged man, then she was never going to tell you she was talking to Mr. Howard on the phone anyway, you know?

To me it's not about respect/disrespect. It's about level of formality. I find last names and Mr./Ms./Dr./etc. needlessly formal a lot of the time.

I think my kid's friends are very respectful of me despite calling me by my first name, and they follow the rules in our home and I think appropriately understand that I am an authority figure. But that's because I behave like an authority figure, am consistent and responsible, model good behavior, etc. If I didn't do those things, having the kids call me by my last name would do nothing to make them respect me. Respect is earned.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 08:56     Subject: Re:Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
I encourage them to use whatever name the parent prefers. A lot of parents feel weird being called "Mr. Smith" these days. I personally prefer for kids to call me by my first name, and that starts when they are little. I actually find "Mr. First name" the weirdest construction because I mostly associate it with daycare/preschool teachers, and I think it sounds weird coming from older kids to use with adults who are not preschool teachers.

So if a parent prefers "Mr. Last name" I tell my kid to use that and will reinforce it by using it myself.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 08:50     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


I think this gets closest to what is making me feel uncomfortable by the vehemence of the "any distinctions between kids and adults is fascism" crowd here. The idea that it's a sign of respect for a kid to call an adult Bobby or Claire instead of their name or title blurs the lines between kids and adults, and the existence of those lines is not just so adults can power trip and ask for curtseys or whatever Hyperbole Hal is on about. If your daughter is giggling on the phone texting and when asked she tells you it's from Jimmy, it's better to be able to know without digging further that Jimmy is not her 32 year old soccer coach testing the waters with the girls on the team. Or maybe this thread has reached the point where dick pics from adults are a sign of respect and that the adult that won't send them is a narcissist who thinks they're "above" teenagers.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 08:39     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
I'm curious-- to those demanding honorifics, do you also expect kids to curtsy or bow when meeting you? Are they allowed to talk before you address them? Do they need to stand when you enter a room?
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 08:38     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.


A lack of honorifics are what distinguishes peer interactions. What honorific should be used for the kids? We certainly don't want to blur that line and put the kids in a "weird spot."
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 08:27     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
Anonymous wrote:People who want kids to address them Mrs. Mr. etc while allowing adults to address them by their first name, are on a power trip.
Adults pretending to be overly familiar with kids is what puts kids in a weird spot. Kids don’t want to be your peers, and adults are the problem when they remove that boundary.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 07:54     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?

In the US, the only adults they call by Mr and Ms or Mrs are strangers and professors.

We come from cultures where honorifics are important. In our native languages, yes, we still use honorifics. In one of them, my kids are suppose to use a different title for their uncles who are older than their father, compared to uncles that are younger. It's extremely hierarchical.

Anonymous
Post 09/20/2023 07:53     Subject: Do you let your children call adults by their first names?
I haven’t drank coffee so I am ornery. It is my pet peeve when little kid stuff takes over the tween/teen forum.