Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

NP. I'm late to this thread but the post above is the way to go, OP.

Your DH, not you, handles this. Frame it as about the kids hearing things DH and you do not want them hearing. The part about "We don't comment on your choices..." above is spot on, too. DH also may need to tell his parents that if the drinking talk persists even after his conversation with them, the kids won't be around as much, period.

One thing -- the ILs might get huffy and take offense etc. They might even start to think it's fine to undermine DH and you, as the kids get older, by making comments directly to the kids, maybe comments about the kids being excited to turn 18 (when you can drink beer and wine in some places) or whoopee, 21. That kind of talk normalizes drinking in a way that tweens and teens and college age kids just don't need to hear--they'll get plenty of pro-drinking messages from their peers and media anyway. I'd keep a close eye out for the ILs pulling stunts like comments directly to kids in the future.

OP here. Thank you and other PP so much. You are spot on that we don’t want the kids picking up on this kind of talk and pressure. We have no qualms with ILs drinking in our home, but the peer pressure and bad example of such commentary has got to stop. DH is going to have a talk with them, as you’ve suggested.

Anonymous wrote:I would think they're so accustomed to it, they need to drink at a certain time or else they get a mini-withdrawal and get really crabby. My grandpa was like that. Got antsy around 4:30 every day.

I also agree they want you to join because it validates them. But they might also want you to sit with them for social reasons. Sometimes seeing the hostess constantly working is stressful for guests-- they'd rather pretend it's not that much work for you to host them.

Cocktail hour is also a way that the elderly can avoid doing activities late in the afternoon, when they are tired. And it's a way to get the grandchildren to leave them alone. Do you not see the appeal?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

NP. I'm late to this thread but the post above is the way to go, OP.

Your DH, not you, handles this. Frame it as about the kids hearing things DH and you do not want them hearing. The part about "We don't comment on your choices..." above is spot on, too. DH also may need to tell his parents that if the drinking talk persists even after his conversation with them, the kids won't be around as much, period.

One thing -- the ILs might get huffy and take offense etc. They might even start to think it's fine to undermine DH and you, as the kids get older, by making comments directly to the kids, maybe comments about the kids being excited to turn 18 (when you can drink beer and wine in some places) or whoopee, 21. That kind of talk normalizes drinking in a way that tweens and teens and college age kids just don't need to hear--they'll get plenty of pro-drinking messages from their peers and media anyway. I'd keep a close eye out for the ILs pulling stunts like comments directly to kids in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

Um, OK?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.