Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this while thread but dear prudence had a podcast ep recently where the AP was coming to work at DH’s company 7 years after the affair was over and I thought the discussion was interesting

(tl:dr if you have an affair you are signing up to deal with the consequences every day for the rest of your life)

True. Because the betrayed certainly is dealing with it every day and they didn’t even get the escape/fun.

And deals with it for years after

I became destitute and lost custody of my kids after my husband cheated on me

Life isn’t fair.

If I (man) cheated I'd just be kicked to the curb. This guy is fortunate that she's even allowing him to stay.

Let him go. So he can go back to his AP.

Anonymous wrote:In all honesty OP - you were betrayed in the worst possible way.
Ever.

Of course you will ruminate about the affair.
There should be no time limit whatsoever.

Your marriage will never go back to what it was before the affair.
Can you accept this face & move on from it??

It would be ideal if you could return to the marriage you once had but that is just not a realistic desire.

Many people cannot accept this.
If you are one who can then in order to move on, you need to focus on leaving the past behind (including your marriage dynamics prior!)

I could never do so but power to those that can I suppose.

I disagree this is betrayal in the worst possible way. There is worse.

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this while thread but dear prudence had a podcast ep recently where the AP was coming to work at DH’s company 7 years after the affair was over and I thought the discussion was interesting

(tl:dr if you have an affair you are signing up to deal with the consequences every day for the rest of your life)

True. Because the betrayed certainly is dealing with it every day and they didn’t even get the escape/fun.

Anonymous wrote:Frustrated. We are close to completing an infidelity course/which included therapy sessions with an expert in this area. (3 month thing)

Affair is over, but it was an “I love you”, 8 month type thing. I literally think about it and things he said to her about me, our marriage, etc constantly (I have texts).

While my marriage is in a positive trending place, and I’m hopeful about the future, I still bring things up, ask questions and it seems to really annoy my husband. He knows he “should” answer but I worry that it’s causing problems for us even though my thoughts, questions, constant imagery is definitely causing problems for me.

Feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don’t dilemma

That’s his problem not yours. If he’d been faithful you wouldn’t have to bring it up. Does he expect you to forget and just move on? Does he have suggestions for how you can try to move on, such as couples therapy? Do you trust this person enough to stay married? What do you want or need from him? And how do you get that? Just repeating the problem without a plan to either accept or move on sounds exhausting for you both. Your thoughts OP?

(Therapist)

I haven’t read this while thread but dear prudence had a podcast ep recently where the AP was coming to work at DH’s company 7 years after the affair was over and I thought the discussion was interesting

(tl:dr if you have an affair you are signing up to deal with the consequences every day for the rest of your life)

You should get a divorce. He will cheat again.

Anonymous wrote:In all honesty OP - you were betrayed in the worst possible way.
Ever.

Of course you will ruminate about the affair.
There should be no time limit whatsoever.

Your marriage will never go back to what it was before the affair.
Can you accept this face & move on from it??

It would be ideal if you could return to the marriage you once had but that is just not a realistic desire.

Many people cannot accept this.
If you are one who can then in order to move on, you need to focus on leaving the past behind (including your marriage dynamics prior!)

I could never do so but power to those that can I suppose.

It would absolutely NOT be ideal to return to the marriage you once had aka a marriage where there were some contributing factors (not causations) that led one partner to step out. You have to create a NEW marriage that is solid and strong based on what you now know- whether the cheating spouse is avoidant and you have to be more cognizant of ensuring you discuss issues so they don't snowball bigger without your knowledge or you got lost in the hustle and bustle of life and need to set designated time for dates/connecting or you were stuck in immature or unhealthy communication patterns and need to be more direct and transparent. You have to restructure and reinforce (even though it's hard as hell to do that with someone who betrayed you).

Anonymous wrote:Do you think you have the full truth? Cheaters also exhaust from trying to keep their made up ‘facts’ straight in discussions. (They can’t).

This is a good point. Your DH might be getting annoyed with you because he is stressed by the prospect of having to come up with answers to questions that he wants to conceal the real answer to.

In all honesty OP - you were betrayed in the worst possible way.
Ever.

Of course you will ruminate about the affair.
There should be no time limit whatsoever.

Your marriage will never go back to what it was before the affair.
Can you accept this face & move on from it??

It would be ideal if you could return to the marriage you once had but that is just not a realistic desire.

Many people cannot accept this.
If you are one who can then in order to move on, you need to focus on leaving the past behind (including your marriage dynamics prior!)

I could never do so but power to those that can I suppose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would tell him that you are entitled to harping about it until the end of the infidelity course.

But yeah, privately, I think you're obsessing about it and the infidelity course was probably a money-making course for the therapist, that fed your obsession, but that your husband is really, really hating. I would hate that sort of thing too!

So please drop it after the course, OP. For your own mental health. Seek individual therapy if you need to. There comes a time when the philandering spouse just can't provide more apologies and groveling, you know? He'll want to leave (and maybe that is indeed the right solution for you as well).

OK, cheater. What terrible advice. “Don’t make the cheater uncomfortable because he might want to leave” - when the cheater should be apologizing and begging for another chance and offering to do whatever yhe betrayed spouse needs to heal.

DP. Okay, but they don't. Sometimes they don't. They act like s--t and then leave. And that's good riddance, absolutely! But a plan to make him apologize and beg and offer to do anything without some backup plan for what to do if that doesn't happen isn't even a practical plan at all.

The strong place to stand is to decide on what you need, accept no less, and be ready for either of you to decide this is not a marriage you can save. It sucks, and it's hard, but it means you don't get emotionally wrenched all over again.

This. Finally, some real talk.

The first post in that thread? That’s not real talk. That’s rug-sweeping. Finishing a therapy course and then never asking questions again is not helping the OP with the trauma. Of course OP needs to plan for what to do if her spouse stops working on healing. But that doesn’t mean the solution is for her to suck it up and stop asking for what she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would tell him that you are entitled to harping about it until the end of the infidelity course.

But yeah, privately, I think you're obsessing about it and the infidelity course was probably a money-making course for the therapist, that fed your obsession, but that your husband is really, really hating. I would hate that sort of thing too!

So please drop it after the course, OP. For your own mental health. Seek individual therapy if you need to. There comes a time when the philandering spouse just can't provide more apologies and groveling, you know? He'll want to leave (and maybe that is indeed the right solution for you as well).

OK, cheater. What terrible advice. “Don’t make the cheater uncomfortable because he might want to leave” - when the cheater should be apologizing and begging for another chance and offering to do whatever yhe betrayed spouse needs to heal.

DP. Okay, but they don't. Sometimes they don't. They act like s--t and then leave. And that's good riddance, absolutely! But a plan to make him apologize and beg and offer to do anything without some backup plan for what to do if that doesn't happen isn't even a practical plan at all.

The strong place to stand is to decide on what you need, accept no less, and be ready for either of you to decide this is not a marriage you can save. It sucks, and it's hard, but it means you don't get emotionally wrenched all over again.

This. Finally, some real talk.

Thanks sent him the piece posted earlier we both found it helpful

I'm so sorry, OP. I went back and forth deciding to post this because it just happened yesterday and I actually thought of you after because this is what you deserve and the very least your DH can do is be patient and support you through healing from something HE caused.

We are about a year out from dday and yesterday someone at work found out their dh was having an affair and I accidentally heard her crying in the parking garage on the phone with someone and it made me absolutely spiral and get enraged for her but also for me.

I texted my DH what happened and he responded "I am so sorry that happened to her and in front of you. I know I can't fully imagine how triggering that must of been for you, but I am so incredibly sorry that the horrible choices I made affect you in these day to day situations. You did nothing to deserve what I did to you. I was such a coward. I was struggling and should have come to you and communicated what I was feeling, but instead I avoided conflict and ran- emotionally and physically. I was so selfish and treated an amazing person incredibly poorly and will regret it every single day for the rest of my life. I'm here and I'm trying and I want to support you in any capacity that I can. Please feel free to talk to me about this tonight if it's still bothering you. I love you and I'm sorry that your coworker is about to go through this too."

Granted he's reached this point after weekly individual therapy and biweekly marriage therapy for the last 50 weeks, but I hope you can find peace OP.

Some resources for your DH:
-The r/supportforwaywards subreddit
-The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (it's a very quick read. My DH read it and highlighted areas he felt pertained to him and then I read it with his highlights and notes and it made me understand a lot better).
-The Wayward Side forum on surviving infidelity.com
-This post is a great quick start for him to read. HAVE HIM READ THIS FIRST- it actually affirms to him everyone you are feeling is NORMAL and needed for processing. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/