It’s a pretty simple pattern once you see it.
Not really tenable to live with though.
You really have to detach and live separate, parallel lives, which likely started happening early on anyhow, as the ASD’er shutdown and avoided being involved with personal life.

OP. Have you heard of Fair Play? It's a good read. It basically says that the person who does the task should do it all the way from planning to implementation unless an emergency. In this case you said he usually did the food shopping. Why is this if you are cooking? Is there another task that he can do all the way through? I'm sure planning is not his strong suit, but maybe it is cleaning and then you don't need to hire a cleaning person and you can order groceries online and have them delivered and then cook. Try to separate the tasks so that each person doesn't have to correct the other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot comprehend why posters are defending the DH here. As a grown up, especially one who has chosen to marry and have children, it’s not okay to deflect and pass onto others. And certainly not okay to chronically lose your temper and cause fear in others.

No one is saying it’s Ok. Some of us are saying he may be reacting to the way SHE communicates. I mean, honestly, she sounds like a twat.

You can try 10 ways til Sunday with an aspie adult male. Same result: raging ogre response.

or complain and withdraw

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’ll bet if she said Please and Thank you 50x a day nothing would get done nor done correctly either.

Then what? Never bring it up? Remind him and suffer from another verbal attack? Sent a short & simple text and get a lashing?

“Done correctly” is such a trap women say. He got her pasta. Two kinds. They weren’t the kind she wanted, but this notion that they were “incorrect?” That notion? To the point of pointing it out and demanding and explanation for his failure — which really wasn’t an actual failure, just a deficiency in meeting her expectations. That notion? That’s a major contributor to the problem they have.

Lol

Love to hear your new definition of failure to read a 2 word text.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’ll bet if she said Please and Thank you 50x a day nothing would get done nor done correctly either.

Then what? Never bring it up? Remind him and suffer from another verbal attack? Sent a short & simple text and get a lashing?

“Done correctly” is such a trap women say. He got her pasta. Two kinds. They weren’t the kind she wanted, but this notion that they were “incorrect?” That notion? To the point of pointing it out and demanding and explanation for his failure — which really wasn’t an actual failure, just a deficiency in meeting her expectations. That notion? That’s a major contributor to the problem they have.

Details Schmetails! Who cares! Not him 24/7/365!

Good luck living with that!

Anonymous wrote:So, how did the pasta salad come out?

Too starchy and carby.

Anonymous wrote:And I’ll bet if she said Please and Thank you 50x a day nothing would get done nor done correctly either.

Then what? Never bring it up? Remind him and suffer from another verbal attack? Sent a short & simple text and get a lashing?

“Done correctly” is such a trap women say. He got her pasta. Two kinds. They weren’t the kind she wanted, but this notion that they were “incorrect?” That notion? To the point of pointing it out and demanding and explanation for his failure — which really wasn’t an actual failure, just a deficiency in meeting her expectations. That notion? That’s a major contributor to the problem they have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot comprehend why posters are defending the DH here. As a grown up, especially one who has chosen to marry and have children, it’s not okay to deflect and pass onto others. And certainly not okay to chronically lose your temper and cause fear in others.

No one is saying it’s Ok. Some of us are saying he may be reacting to the way SHE communicates. I mean, honestly, she sounds like a twat.

You can try 10 ways til Sunday with an aspie adult male. Same result: raging ogre response.

https://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2016/04/resentment-in-neurotypical-wife.html?m=1

Yikes

Plan your exit

Anonymous wrote:I cannot comprehend why posters are defending the DH here. As a grown up, especially one who has chosen to marry and have children, it’s not okay to deflect and pass onto others. And certainly not okay to chronically lose your temper and cause fear in others.

No one is saying it’s Ok. Some of us are saying he may be reacting to the way SHE communicates. I mean, honestly, she sounds like a twat.

Anonymous wrote:He obviously is on the autism spectrum. This is all typical behavior of what used to be called Aspergers. Read some books about it and your mind will be blown (mine was about my own husband after 15 years).

+1000

It sux.

Mourn the lack of adult partnership, ignore him, and go do your own thing.

Defense mode

He obviously is on the autism spectrum. This is all typical behavior of what used to be called Asperger’s. Read some books about it and your mind will be blown (mine was about my own husband after 15 years).

So, how did the pasta salad come out?

What does never following instructions and then raging at someone for asking what happened have to do with holiday parties and going out?