Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:59     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.


This is completely irrelevant to what we’re discussing, so unclear why you bothered to type it out, except as another excuse to direct everything toward yourself with “I dEsErVE.”
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:56     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).


Why do you keep saying this? You sound like an immature adolescent.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:44     Subject: Am I the jerk?
OP you sound extremely resentful and judgmental. You guys need couples therapy.

I'm in a similar role with my husband, but I have been dealing with major health issues for the last year. My husband has been a saint; he does so much heavy lifting and takes care of so much stuff that I have a hard time not feeling like a BURDEN.

It's not easy to quit drinking, and your anger towards addicts is really harmful.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:39     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.


So, to recap:

1. You had complaints.
2. DH got out a paper and was ready to work with you.
3. You still aren’t happy because… why, exactly?


While I’m 90% sure this is a troll or a double reverse swap thing…I’ll bite.

My husband is like this because he either doesn’t want to or can’t plan his way out of a paper bag. So he doesn’t like something I’ve planned and wants to change it, or wants to do something de novo, but being even partly responsible for any decisions freaks him out. He is almost incapable of agree to a plan. Pretty sure it’s ADD or something. And if he’s in a pissy mood, he’ll complain about whatever plans we have, even if it’s something he wants to do.

Now, I might over plan because of anxiety (how I manage my ADD!), so fair, he can complain about that - but things need to be planned, or we all just sit around doing nothing.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:26     Subject: Am I the jerk?
It sounds like you need a marriage therapist to help you communicate. Clearly you have a ton of resentment and aren't communicating well. And his method of trying to resolve this issue (with, gasp, brainstorming and calendars) is not working for you because you get overwhelmed. You need a therapist to help you communicate effectively so that you can figure out a schedule that works for everyone in the family. But I dunno, you would probably say that is also a "meeting", and I don't know how it can be done without reference to a calendar, so...

Honestly what do you want your DH to say when you say these things?
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:21     Subject: Am I the jerk?
Ok, so you want:

"Control" and "say" (because you're the mom)-- but in the moment, not in advance,

No paper or calendars,

No meetings,

No thinking about details (that's for other people to do),

The kids to be happy with you despite you making them quit their activities, and

Your DH to pretend he agrees with you so you don't have to be the bad guy.

Do we have this right?
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:17     Subject: Am I the jerk?
Omg can we please let this thread fade away (I know, I’m keeping it going by posting).
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:17     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.


So you want him to say "Yes dear, I will cancel all their activities", and then make those phone calls for you? Because he's not an equal parent and isn't entitled to any opinions?
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:13     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.


So, to recap:

1. You had complaints.
2. DH got out a paper and was ready to work with you.
3. You still aren’t happy because… why, exactly?


I don't get it. Do you have dyslexia and can't process things that are written down? How could it be anything other than a meeting, since it involves two adults who need to come to an agreement? He is TRYING to solve the problem and you are just complaining and not participating.

I think you need professional help for your executive functioning.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:12     Subject: Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.


But you do have control! FFS. He asked you in March, and you agreed to it. That was your control. What do you want here-- the unilateral right to break agreements and cancel their stuff on a moment's notice?

I think you need couples therapy and individual therapy. Clearly there's a lot going on here beyond the kids' schedule.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:10     Subject: Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.
I
So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.


I really hope you’re trolling or whatever. No one should suck this much in real life.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:04     Subject: Am I the jerk?
If you cared op you would have helped planned their schedule. You are the selfish jerk here.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 17:00     Subject: Am I the jerk?
You are the jerk!!!!
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 16:55     Subject: Re:Am I the jerk?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above post is 100 percent why I am annoyed.

But here is what is incredibly frustrating. Every time I bring up the issue, DH pulls out a piece of paper or calendar and goes into brainstorming mode. It's overwhelming. I hate it. Not everything needs to be a damn meeting.


So, to recap:

1. You had complaints.
2. DH got out a paper and was ready to work with you.
3. You still aren’t happy because… why, exactly?
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2023 16:54     Subject: Am I the jerk?
I am not sure who is the jerk here, but I agree with the thrust of the OP that kids don't need to be scheduled every minute of the summer.

I also don't see why the other option is the kids sitting around watching TV all day. Have them spend some days outside with friends, making things, puttering around, whatever.

It doesn't make sense to say that she has no say in her kids being overscheduled if she doesn't make the plans. If the kids aren't scheduled, then her DH doesn't need to make plans either!