Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue…she goes away one weekend per month, and prioritizes her physical fitness? Oh- and volunteers at a summer camp a few weekends per summer. This does not sound excessive to me- if she and your brother can afford help to make this possible, how wonderful! The kids sound well cared for.

We had 3 kids close in age and it was very difficult when they were all so small. We would’ve loved to have been able to afford such help- good for her!

If DAD were doing the above, no one would think much of it re:parenting. Golf weekends, training for a marathon etc- all pretty normal for dads no?

That said, your brother does not seem to be getting time to HIMself and he has every right to be upset about that. Clearly they will need to come to a compromise. Hardly seems divorce-worthy, absent other issues.

MYOB. I have a feeling you are probably trying to stir the pot here…don’t.

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this too.

Refuses to work, has a full time nanny 10 hours a day plus a different nanny on weekends. Plus a summer nanny plus babysitters to go out at night. She can’t be alone with the kids.

My parents *hate* her. Like, don’t even get them started on her because it puts them in such a bad mood. My brother “tolerates” her. They still do “date night” and go out to socialize but I know he sleeps in the guest bedroom and has talked to my parents about leaving her. Sometimes I feel like I should take her aside woman-to-woman to let her know what her husband and in laws are saying behind her back. He wants to divorce but doesn’t want to lose 50% custody of his kids. But I know that as soon as he meets a new (probably younger) woman who is into him and his $$$, SIL is out the door. She should probably start dusting off her resume because she is going to need it.

Anonymous wrote:Bean-counting other people's parenting hours timesheets is not a good look.

I am a little like this (prioritize my non-mom hobbies/wellbeing and marital relationship quite a bit) but I stopped at one child for that reason, so I will admit I also *privately* judge women who have like 3+ kids and still seem to have a low capacity. However, I don't say it out loud.

Anonymous wrote:I know this is none of my business (!), just curious if others have an opinion:

My brother and his wife have four kids <6. She escapes her life at any opportunity: camping with friends at least 1x/month (near & far - car&plane rides away), trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends - all q/o the family. They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking. It was clear early that she loooved being pregnant but not the mothering. My brother asks her to stop the trips but she goes anyway. She goes to a women’s group therapy who cheer on her initiative. Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc. He wants to divorce but does not want to not have the kids everyday, he thinks that is what’s best for them. It might be! I’ve not offered any opinion/advice to him (and wouldn’t w/o his explicit request) but wouldn’t it be better to do it while they are young and don’t know any different?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

How would you even know before you have kids whether you'd "enjoy spending most of your free time with them"? GMAFB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

She sounds pathologically selfish and just not a present mother. Basically a birth person but not the mother. Maybe the babies just "locked it in" for her. Husband would never get custody considering how much child support 4 kids would be worth per month unless he offered a sweet alimony deal. What a sad situation. Although my mother sucks even worse so I'd trade an absent mother for mine that trashes me.

This is how a lot of my friends are as mothers. We enjoy girls' trips, traveling overseas, and have our own interests and hobbies. My husband also takes trips with his friends and spends time on interests and hobbies. We share responsibilities and have family+hired help when the other is away. Of course, our personal hobbies have taken a backseat to our family. But we also think it's important to maintain our senses of identity and relationships outside of parenthood. Do you expect all parents to become isolated hermits, shells of themselves?

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.