Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 22:32     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:I have young adult children who are still in college but live on their own but my ex wife and I still support them. They have been coming over more than usual (mostly weekends) because I have a pool not necessarily to visit me. lol Sometimes they bring their friends.

My kids can come over whenever they want and don't have to call or knock. They have keys to the house. It has never occurred to me to ask them to call first. Its a very foreign concept to me to do otherwise.

I have a gf and we have been together 3 years and she stays over a lot. Maybe 4/7 days a week. We have talked about her moving in but she told me I needed to create some boundaries with my kids. She said they needed to call first or be invited. Maybe not come over quite so much and to limit how long they stayed and limit their pool time.

I told her she was being offensive and she would never ever dictate anything regarding my kids. The way I looked at it we could either break up or keep the status quo of living separately. She started crying and she told me our family dynamics were not normal. I told her since she had no children she could not make that judgment. I was talking to my ex wife husband who is also my best friend and asked him for advice. He said he is the same way with his kids and if my ex wife ever came to him with that garbage he would divorce her and is sure she would do the same.

Am I off base here? I really think I need to break up with her. This has never been an issue before.


I'm not reading all 9 pages to let you know that this is your house, gf doesn't live there and these are your kids so your house, your rules. If you want them to have keys and free access to the pool etc. that's up to you OP. If she doesn't get it then too bad.

- a mom
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:57     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:Now it's about time spent, soon it will be about inheritances spent.


Good point. Someone without kids will never truly understand that the kids will always come first. Another parent would get this. And tbh I’d be turned off by a guy who didn’t prioritize his kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:57     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Also if your ex-wife’s husband is really your “best friend”, then yeah, i’m guessing you do have boundary issues.


This makes me think OP is a troll.


Agree! Sounds crazy to me. GF should get out now while the going is still good...
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:55     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Now it's about time spent, soon it will be about inheritances spent.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:51     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!


They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.


I'm not a guest in my parent's home, but I also don't just show up unannounced, and certainly not with guests. I think GF is completely justified in wanting a reasonable expectation of privacy if she's going to make this her home. It's not saying the kids aren't welcome. It's saying this would be her home too, not just OP, and she deserves to know when she'll be entertaining, and maybe even occasionally say she's not up to it.

The kids are adults with their own homes. We're not talking about teens still living at home with dad.


We aren’t talking about “adults with their own homes.” We’re talking about college kids who are likely living in some sort of group rental who are spending the summer going back to their childhood home. I don’t disagree a text ahead of time or notice of bringing friends over is unreasonable. But OP’s post literally says the kids need an “invite” and limits on how often they can be there.

We all know that if OP and their mom were still married, these kids would be welcome at their childhood home without an official invite or time limits. So the boundaries are for the sole benefit of the GF. She is trying to make the kids visitors to the home they grew up in, where they were minors and had a legal right to live until just recently.

Should a parent who wants to retain a close relationship with their young adult children turn them away and put up barriers to them visiting for a significant other? Apparently some people say yes. But personally I wouldn’t want to live with someone who can’t treat my college aged kids like family who are welcome in their own home (rules about friends coming over, fine). Over time the kids will become more independent and less interested in being back home. But the college years are definitely important years where kids need a safe place to come back to while they adjust to living on their own. No way would I take away their stability and childhood home while they’re still getting established into adulthood.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:45     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
I think OP knows his time of this bustling house with kids viewing it as their home base etc is limited. He wants as much more of that family lifestyle as he can get.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:40     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will be back in the fall whining how there are no good women to date online when it gets cold and his kids stop using the pool.

The kids will soon be launched and have a life of their own. They won’t be back much. Supposedly he was building a life with his GF but wants to completely and utterly disregard everything she feels. She was feeling out how the situation would be if she moved and and OP failed. She will be much better off with a grow up after she dumps his ass.


Or he’ll find someone who is either a parent or can understand the nature of parenthood (even to young adults.) there are lots out there!

I’ll add-if the gender were reversed many people would be rightfully aghast.

Win win. He's not ready to cohabitate yet, and she wants someone who's ready.

Once the kids are launched, maybe he'll find the right person. But you're saying this like he must act now, ask her to move in, and change his attitude for THIS girlfriend, with whom he is not compatible. Why? Why is it now or never?


Once the kids are launched he will find some other reason not to commit because he doesn’t want to commit. He needs to find someone who doesn’t want to cohabitate or have a serious relationship. He’s going to have to keep fending off all of the desirable women who are competing for his attentions.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:36     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP will be back in the fall whining how there are no good women to date online when it gets cold and his kids stop using the pool.

The kids will soon be launched and have a life of their own. They won’t be back much. Supposedly he was building a life with his GF but wants to completely and utterly disregard everything she feels. She was feeling out how the situation would be if she moved and and OP failed. She will be much better off with a grow up after she dumps his ass.


Win win. He's not ready to cohabitate yet, and she wants someone who's ready.

Once the kids are launched, maybe he'll find the right person. But you're saying this like he must act now, ask her to move in, and change his attitude for THIS girlfriend, with whom he is not compatible. Why? Why is it now or never?


Once the kids are launched he will find some other reason not to commit because he doesn’t want to commit. He needs to find someone who doesn’t want to cohabitate or have a serious relationship. He’s going to have to keep fending off all of the desirable women who are competing for his attentions.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:31     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!


But his children are not guests…they’re his children.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:28     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:OP will be back in the fall whining how there are no good women to date online when it gets cold and his kids stop using the pool.

The kids will soon be launched and have a life of their own. They won’t be back much. Supposedly he was building a life with his GF but wants to completely and utterly disregard everything she feels. She was feeling out how the situation would be if she moved and and OP failed. She will be much better off with a grow up after she dumps his ass.


Win win. He's not ready to cohabitate yet, and she wants someone who's ready.

Once the kids are launched, maybe he'll find the right person. But you're saying this like he must act now, ask her to move in, and change his attitude for THIS girlfriend, with whom he is not compatible. Why? Why is it now or never?
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:21     Subject: Re:Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
OP will be back in the fall whining how there are no good women to date online when it gets cold and his kids stop using the pool.

The kids will soon be launched and have a life of their own. They won’t be back much. Supposedly he was building a life with his GF but wants to completely and utterly disregard everything she feels. She was feeling out how the situation would be if she moved and and OP failed. She will be much better off with a grow up after she dumps his ass.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:20     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:If the kids don't mind seeing Dad's Sex-DoorDasher hanging around, and aren't embarrassed to barf ein in her, I don't see a problem with them coming or going as they please.

Unless, OP, she isn't just your prostitute? (It's not clear from your post.) Maybe she's a human being who wants some boundaries in her home, and wants to thoughtfully develop a relationship with your kids?



Spare me, Dr. Laura.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:19     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons kidfree people shouldn't even bother to date people who have kids. OP's girlfriend is wasting her time and should find someone else to date, preferably someone who is younger and doesn't have kids.


+1 Feel sorry for the GF in this case, she deserves someone who will put her first not after multiple adult kids.
Hope OP cuts her loose soon so she can go out and find someone without baggage.

Fwiw OP I think you're a fine parent but I'd go for someone with kids the next time around, she will understand that kids always come first.


Adult kids don’t always come first and even if the relationship with adult kids is a priority you can still set boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:19     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.


If you're used to a loud house with people in and out, and that's what your kids are used to, but girlfriend DOESN'T like that, your future will be stressful. Once your kids start having kids, your girlfriend will still butt heads with you about when they can come over and when you can see the grandkids. You'll hate that.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 21:18     Subject: Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons kidfree people shouldn't even bother to date people who have kids. OP's girlfriend is wasting her time and should find someone else to date, preferably someone who is younger and doesn't have kids.


+1 Feel sorry for the GF in this case, she deserves someone who will put her first not after multiple adult kids.
Hope OP cuts her loose soon so she can go out and find someone without baggage.

Fwiw OP I think you're a fine parent but I'd go for someone with kids the next time around, she will understand that kids always come first.


People with kids (especially ones they were watching in the hs play like three years ago) are not going to put a girlfriend first. It’s fine if that’s not okay with her they just aren’t compatible.

Also, having “talked about moving in” is g the same as moving in. In the same way gf could replace the bath mats if she was living there but it would be weird to do that when she’s not, it might be more okay to have some (few) visiting guidelines after she moved in but not before.