Anonymous
06/12/2023 08:29
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).
We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.
My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.
I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?
L O L I think it’s really funny that the title of this thread is “difficult niece,“ when the reality is it’s your daughter who is the difficult one.
Anonymous
06/12/2023 08:27
Subject: Difficult niece - family trips
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the replies but 16 people in one house together for a vacation for a week sounds like my version of hell.
Same here! For SILs destination wedding, we stayed with my ILs (they owned a place there). Eight people in a 2 bedroom condo for two weeks. I’ll never, ever do that again.
I have a kid with anxiety. I agree that helping her deal is better than avoidance, but I also know how important down time and sleep are to her well being. I’d probably encourage her to deal with it during the day but have my room as a place she could retreat to when necessary, including to sleep. It’s one thing to use tools and adapt in your own home when you can get away at some point but that isn’t an option here so I’d make allowances.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 04:44
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her
I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.
This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.
Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.
+100
But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?
No, sharing a room with a rambunctious cousin is not a prospect that should impact her quality of life and cause her undue anxiety. It is fine to not like the arrangement but no kid should be worrying about it to this extent. Part of anxiety therapy is naming what you are afraid of and realizing it is not so bad. She doesn’t like the cousin - so what? What will actually happen? She will feel annoyed?? She will be tired? All of these are manageable and not that bad. So this is a chance for the kid to learn to cope with her anxiety in a very safe situation.
No. This is not it. This is a good strategy if you’re anxious you’re going to throw up on a car trip.
Many people feel the same as you and they unwittingly perpetuate their kids’ anxieties for years.
There’s such a thing as scale. Exposure therapy doesn’t mean you throw someone who’s afraid of spiders into a room with thousands of spiders and say this is how you get over your fear. You build up to it. Same with this trip, if the goal is to help with anxiety, either have them try the room sharing with the option of sleeping with parents if it’s too much, or build up to the room share overnight after dealing with cousin in smaller doses throughout the week.
At any rate, there’s no need for her to spend the night in the same room with the cousin if they don’t get on well. It’s not like the parents are trying to have a romantic getaway and it’s ruined if DD sleeps in their room. Forcing kids to spend too much time together doesn’t mean they’ll bond. It can lead to resentment and dislike of extended family vacations.
Anonymous
06/10/2023 16:41
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the replies but 16 people in one house together for a vacation for a week sounds like my version of hell.
+1000. I'm an introvert like OP's daughter and would not be looking forward to this trip at all. It sounds like a nightmare.
Anonymous
06/10/2023 14:42
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
I haven’t read all of the replies but 16 people in one house together for a vacation for a week sounds like my version of hell.
Anonymous
06/10/2023 06:57
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Ask her to try it for s as couple nights, and if it’s a disaster she can sleep in an air mattress n your room. Agree with new headphones and maybe a new audiobook. Frankly I doubt them sharing a room will mean they spend much extra time together in a family vacation. They will pretty much just sleep in there. She can always hide out in your room when she needs a break.
Anonymous
06/10/2023 06:37
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have two children; why don’t you have your two share a room and the niece stays in a room with her own siblings?
Might be boy/girl and an 11yo girl hitting puberty is not going to want to room with her brother.
Anonymous
06/10/2023 06:26
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Hahaha I *was* the annoying cousin so I kind of get it...
OP, yes, your daughter should be speaking up for herself and saying "Hey, I just need some quiet time alone. We can do [X] later." And separately you can talk to the kid's mom and be like "Mary loves hanging out with cousin Jenny, but is an introvert and needs some time every day to recharge."
OP, yes, your daughter should be speaking up for herself and saying "Hey, I just need some quiet time alone. We can do [X] later." And separately you can talk to the kid's mom and be like "Mary loves hanging out with cousin Jenny, but is an introvert and needs some time every day to recharge."
Anonymous
06/08/2023 20:41
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
OP, if you have two children; why don’t you have your two share a room and the niece stays in a room with her own siblings?
Anonymous
06/08/2023 20:25
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would NOT let two such different children sleep in the same room. It sounds like a pretty awful vacation where you'll need to teach your child to use specific phrases for specific behaviors but also intervene yourself, and then resent your SIL and husband for being willing to let your daughter be harassed.
We know a child like this: she has hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. My daughter, who is shy, introverted and socially anxious, tries to avoid her.
Otherwise it sounds like this: "I need my own space right now. Please leave me alone." And then 5 minutes later "LEAVE ME ALONE" and then 5 minutes later "MOM! LARLA KEEPS PULLING MY HAIR AND WRESTLING ME!" And then Larla's Mom tries to intervene ineffectually, because her daughter is out of control, and one family leaves. There's no way we'd ever do something longer than an hour with them.
Exactly - my daughter has used her voice in the past, asked for some time to herself, explained she didn't want to play hide and seek or whatever game for the 3rd time. Only to be asked over and over 5 minutes later. This is what she is dreading, especially knowing they are supposed to sleep in the same room. The constant need to tell her cousin to give her space, only to say it over and over and over with the same results. Not fun at all for an entire week. (OP, with 2 kids, FWIW).
So why are you going on this miserable trip again? Your daughter wants nothing to do with her cousin. Sound like a lousy trip for everyone.
This might be OT, but this is what I've been thinking reading through all of these responses. I'll never get why people continue to go on "vacations" that are so unpleasant - especially the posters saying "vacation sucked for me as a kid and I'm fine - go ahead and make your kid bunk with a person she doesn't want to!" At the very least why can't you rent a different place that will have enough rooms for everyone? Or stay in a hotel? I seem to be in the minority, but a vacation doesn't seem like the right time for white knuckling your way through discomfort.
Anonymous
06/06/2023 19:20
Subject: Re:Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who said to let her sleep in your room or whatever to make sure she gets enough sleep because it’s so miserable to be exhausted for your whole vacation. I love my niece dearly but we won’t let her and DD share a room because she’s a terrible sleeper especially away from home. Like get up for the day at 3AM terrible.
I think encouraging your DD to deal politely during the day is the right thing too, but also letting her use your room as a retreat if necessary. I’m quite introverted and really like an hour to myself every day even around people I love. During college (since that’s exactly the same, ha,) I would read at a coffee shop or stagger my sleep schedule or whatever to make it possible but a 11 year old has those options.
My kid is the super excited, extroverted (ADHD too!) one in our group and I try to take her out several times every vacation just the two of us because it’s nice to have time with just her and also because I know she gots overwhelming. It’s fine, you can love someone and not want to spend every waking hour with them!
This is great advice.
Anonymous
06/06/2023 12:21
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her
I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.
This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.
Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.
+100
But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?
No, sharing a room with a rambunctious cousin is not a prospect that should impact her quality of life and cause her undue anxiety. It is fine to not like the arrangement but no kid should be worrying about it to this extent. Part of anxiety therapy is naming what you are afraid of and realizing it is not so bad. She doesn’t like the cousin - so what? What will actually happen? She will feel annoyed?? She will be tired? All of these are manageable and not that bad. So this is a chance for the kid to learn to cope with her anxiety in a very safe situation.
No. This is not it. This is a good strategy if you’re anxious you’re going to throw up on a car trip.
Many people feel the same as you and they unwittingly perpetuate their kids’ anxieties for years.
Anonymous
06/06/2023 11:28
Subject: Difficult niece - family trip
I wouldn't make my kid room with someone if it makes him miserable. He'd sleep on an air bed in our room. It's ok op.