Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

AL is very suitable and OP made it clear her mom is much happier there and wished she moved years ago. I think the issue is not OP having lack of empathy. She wanted her mom to be safe and happy not isolated and miserable. The issue is a lot of our elders bury their head in the sand, and have no empathy for what is to be an adult child with your own kids, illnesses, stressors and see mom miserable and in a bad situation rotting at home. They think hopping to for every emergency is no big deal because they either never it did it for their own parents or they did it with an empty nest and easier life. Once they are at AL it's easier to have enjoyable visits rather than constantly assessing if they can handle their current living situation. The AL will let you know when she needs more support.

People need to age around peers and have peer friends and they need to be doing social activities with those friends. The research strongly supports this. Family are not peers. Yes, we can be PART of their support network, but it not at all healthy for your family to be your only outlet. There is a power differential. Your adult child is never truly a friend because you know the buttons to push and have power. You need to be around peers who force you to keep up the social skills. Plus the more social outlets you have the more you can enjoy family when they visit rather than scare them off with depression, misery, guilt trips, pity parties, power plays, neediness. Social is key. The people I know who live long and happy have many friends and social activities.

The remark about our parents expecting the utmost from us yet never having done anything remotely comparable for their own parents is spot on. We visited my grandfather for two afternoons per YEAR. My mom guilt trips me to no end that I moved away from home. Yet she stays with us for 4-6 months per year and I am obligated to spend all my vacations in my hometown. I am starting to see the light now. It’s not fair. Plus she never had a career, worked part time in an easy job, no commute and didn’t facilitate any activities for us as kids. I am getting burnt out from all the stresses: activities, stressful career, sandwich generation. It’s too much, and I am cutting back, not sure where yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

My uncle broke his daughter's arm (my cousin) while in a rage. The medications he was on to help with dementia were no longer working. His son-in-law put his foot down at that point.

Is it your stance that if this were happening to you, you'd go ahead and wait for the other arm to be broken? Or is it that it's okay to break the arms of the help you hired, as long as it isn't you?

He's now in a place where medications can be changed and titrated more quickly, and where they have better ways of controlling physical altercations. His daughter visits him there regularly but is no longer physically at risk. I think that's great, and it's what her dad would have wanted back when he had full faculties and would never have hurt her.

How many broken bones would you take? Or is it just the poor people who have to work for you that will bear the brunt of it, if you are unlucky enough to go that way?

You can’t have a rationale argument with someone who has an idealized image of an aging parent. I hope her parent ages in an easy way so that she can maintain her moral superiority. Her lack of empathy for situations beyond her own is pathetic but common on DCUM.

My parents have to do everything the cheapest way, it's kind of a religion for them.

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t understand how hard and scary it is to make a move like that, particularly for someone with anxiety, then I would say the problem is more that you lack empathy.

Yep.

It's very simple.

You go in. You don't come out.

Because it’s the last stop! It’s where people go to die. They no longer even have a home, just a room in an old persons hotel where new old people move in as others die off. While I hope I don’t cause anxiety and stress to my children when my time comes, I sure as heck am not looking forward to moving into one of those places when I’m old.

My mother who is healthy asked for my promise that I could live with her unless dementia became too severe, then she wants me to take her to her favorite beach and give her "some sleeping pills". I told her I would be arrested if I did that.

I'm following this discussion with interest, and particularly appreciate those who are familiar with the various institutions and types of differences to look for. My parents are both 93, in their own home, and until this year fairly independent and relatively healthy--so we could live in denial.
Well, my vaccinated and boosted Dad got COVID, seriously, and after recuperating at Sibley Hospital (a great place), came home, much weakened and with COVID brain. He always said "Every man wants to die in his own bed." His wishes were clear. He's at home, with a revolving carousel of nurses. Some are quite fine. Others are just on their phones until he needs to use the bathroom.
Well, that's fine for HIM. But my Mom is slowly being worn down with his care. Worse, she is very social (he never was) and misses the movies and lunches and art galleries. (Yes, she's 93 and can walk laps around the National Gallery.) He doesn't like when she leaves and she's worried he'll die when she's gone. She's starting to leave him, but it's hard on them both.
I do some shopping for her and my siblings fly in, but it's very hard on all of us. I truly wish they'd go to a nice assisted living facility--there are some very fine ones, like Maplewood in Bethesda-- where Mom could pop down and see friends, play games, join a reading group, whatever, and Dad would be well taken care of. But she won't go against his wishes. There is a nice support network on their street, I tell myself, and their house is a candidate for "Hoarders" so we can clean it slowly.
They both worked well into their 70s and have the money to live in a nice place, with assistance and company when they need it. I'd go there, in their place! Like you, OP, I think they are trapped in images of poor facilities (and there are many of those). Each place is different. Humorist Art Buchwald went into hospice care and recovered! https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/wellness/2006/10/03/kissing-hospice-goodbye-span-classbankheadart-buchwalds-case-is-unusual-but-leaving-end-of-life-care-without-dying-is-notspan/0d9e38d8-1d2e-4409-bbdd-0a754fbc27ca/

I am a single mom and have asked my kids if they would slip me that “pill” to end it all and they were all horrified and declined. So I need to come up with a different person lol.

My hope is that the attitudes and laws around assisted suicide will change during my lifetime so that this whole process becomes easier to navigate.

Anonymous wrote:I will choose medical aid in dying when I need care, outside of something temporary that I can recover from. I already take the SAGE Alzheimer's screening each year, download it from the University of Ohio.

I am not living with Alzheimer's and I'm not living when I can't look after myself. I don't like being touched by strangers. I have GAD since birth so I preplan everything, "intolerance of uncertainty" is the diagnosis. I have my cats enrolled in a survivorship program.

I can choose medical aid in dying for chronic illness in my country, Canada, and that is what I am going to do. I don't have any kids to dump on and my estate is going to a friend's daughter who is wasting her life in a helping profession, making a pittance, so she will be poor in her old age. She doesn't know she will inherit.

I certainly am not going to leave my estate to the elder care industry and be a profit maker for them.

+1. My husband and I have an arrangement about what we’ll do, including how to know when it’s time to do it. We do have kids but I’m not putting it on them to be my caregiver and I’d rather leave them an inheritance than use up every last dollar getting mediocre care when I’m already feeling like shit.

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

My uncle broke his daughter's arm (my cousin) while in a rage. The medications he was on to help with dementia were no longer working. His son-in-law put his foot down at that point.

Is it your stance that if this were happening to you, you'd go ahead and wait for the other arm to be broken? Or is it that it's okay to break the arms of the help you hired, as long as it isn't you?

He's now in a place where medications can be changed and titrated more quickly, and where they have better ways of controlling physical altercations. His daughter visits him there regularly but is no longer physically at risk. I think that's great, and it's what her dad would have wanted back when he had full faculties and would never have hurt her.

How many broken bones would you take? Or is it just the poor people who have to work for you that will bear the brunt of it, if you are unlucky enough to go that way?

OP, the only nice "affordable" residential eldercare with decent amenities in this area is Vinson Hall, and that is on the taxpayer's dime.

My neighbor's mother bought a newly renovated apartment there, and there are restaurants, at least one pool, and activities almost all day long, every day. It is a huge campus. She did not work, but her husband was an officer in the navy, apparently.

Sounds like the perfect arrangement, to most of us hardworking folk who toiled their life away.

Anonymous wrote:I will choose medical aid in dying when I need care, outside of something temporary that I can recover from. I already take the SAGE Alzheimer's screening each year, download it from the University of Ohio.

I am not living with Alzheimer's and I'm not living when I can't look after myself. I don't like being touched by strangers. I have GAD since birth so I preplan everything, "intolerance of uncertainty" is the diagnosis. I have my cats enrolled in a survivorship program.

I can choose medical aid in dying for chronic illness in my country, Canada, and that is what I am going to do. I don't have any kids to dump on and my estate is going to a friend's daughter who is wasting her life in a helping profession, making a pittance, so she will be poor in her old age. She doesn't know she will inherit.

I certainly am not going to leave my estate to the elder care industry and be a profit maker for them.

After watching my mom go through what she’s going through I’m with you. I’d like to die with my dignity intact and I don’t want to burden my loved ones with having to manage my care. And I really don’t want to deplete my estate of all its assets and I’m not well off enough to not have that risk.

The big dilemma is the when. How does one decide? By the time it’s gotten so bad that intervention is necessary it’s probably too late. All US states that offer it require the person to be able to fully consent. So one may have to go a little earlier than they would like.

I will choose medical aid in dying when I need care, outside of something temporary that I can recover from. I already take the SAGE Alzheimer's screening each year, download it from the University of Ohio.

I am not living with Alzheimer's and I'm not living when I can't look after myself. I don't like being touched by strangers. I have GAD since birth so I preplan everything, "intolerance of uncertainty" is the diagnosis. I have my cats enrolled in a survivorship program.

I can choose medical aid in dying for chronic illness in my country, Canada, and that is what I am going to do. I don't have any kids to dump on and my estate is going to a friend's daughter who is wasting her life in a helping profession, making a pittance, so she will be poor in her old age. She doesn't know she will inherit.

I certainly am not going to leave my estate to the elder care industry and be a profit maker for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

Way to generalize. My young adult children are a HUGE help to me (a gen x'er) in taking care of my elderly and disabled parents. They love doing things for them and spending time together. My own grandparents were dead by the time I was their age, so I never experienced this.

Way to generalize. Both situations are accurate and I suggest that you count your blessings and your $$ because you will be next to face this dilemma, assuming you live long enough.

Your wonderful family? Maybe they'l die first or move away. You never know what will happen. It's a crap shoot.

No need to dwell on it when you're relatively young and healthy and engaged with life, but lease at least be aware: this could be you in a few years.

YOU are the one who generalized 'lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger' 'is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?' That is, in fact, what generalizing IS.

The 'younger generation' is generally a good, decent, open-minded group of people, if you actually take the time to get to know any. My son in law, dd's friends, my cousin's kids...all involved with their elderly grandparents/family. It's neat for me to see my kids and others doing that as I did not have grandparents living in my adulthood.