Anonymous wrote:Also would like to add- I am sick of social media parodies of Boomers. Technologically stupid, polyester wearing, judgemental Fox News watchers, obsessed with dieting, confused by pronouns, living fat off the hog while millennials can't afford a house. It's entirely wrong. We are none of those things. None. We are the ones to bring Technology into your lives and work, not the other way around, we weren't buying McMansions before our first kid was born, or really after. Our first mortgage rate was 18%. The first time I refinanced to a rate even close to what millennials are used to was after my kids were in college. We are not Fox Entertainment synchophants- we are out there fighting for the THINGS WE FOUGHT FOR IN OUR TEENS, we already know dieting is crap, and many in my generation were in the closet during the 70s, and all came out so you can do it now. We are, as a whole, less religious, not more, and very socially minded. Your job promotes you much faster than our ever did, and you have far more opportunities than we did. We were also the bank of Mom and Dad for most of you for quite a long time.

Yet, we are sent up daily in insurance advertisements, instagram parodies, and stupid articles about how we robbed this generation of their house. All untrue.

Just want to say I share your sadness, OP. My kids are busy building their lives and I wish I could see them more often and hear from them more often. And I cherish the time we do spend together.

Also would like to add- I am sick of social media parodies of Boomers. Technologically stupid, polyester wearing, judgemental Fox News watchers, obsessed with dieting, confused by pronouns, living fat off the hog while millennials can't afford a house. It's entirely wrong. We are none of those things. None. We are the ones to bring Technology into your lives and work, not the other way around, we weren't buying McMansions before our first kid was born, or really after. Our first mortgage rate was 18%. The first time I refinanced to a rate even close to what millennials are used to was after my kids were in college. We are not Fox Entertainment synchophants- we are out there fighting for the THINGS WE FOUGHT FOR IN OUR TEENS, we already know dieting is crap, and many in my generation were in the closet during the 70s, and all came out so you can do it now. We are, as a whole, less religious, not more, and very socially minded. Your job promotes you much faster than our ever did, and you have far more opportunities than we did. We were also the bank of Mom and Dad for most of you for quite a long time.

Yet, we are sent up daily in insurance advertisements, instagram parodies, and stupid articles about how we robbed this generation of their house. All untrue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

Strong goals and blueprint from when a person is in elementary school until that persons children graduate college. To be clear. Then wtf am I supposed to do? Crickets in the blueprint area. It’s a weird, somewhat exciting, somewhat sad period. All of those plans, goals and blueprints were almost a distraction from reality that you entered the world by yourself and you will leave it by yourself. But now you either face it or figure out some other more ambiguous distraction.

Who were you before you had kids? When did that person get lost? Why is the only value you perceive is your value as a mother? And you want to be loved but not needed or of service - as if your active mothering days are over and you should just sit back and be fawned over as the martyr matriarch who gave everything she had to others? That’s not going to happen. You need to find your own path that you control and doesn’t depend on your kids creating purpose for you.

Where is your spouse? Your friends? Your community? Your hobbies?

I will tell you who I was. I was in college preparing for a career, then grad school for my career. Then I was in my career, doing all the things for that so I could have money and support what I really wanted, too- a family. So much fun raising kids with my husband, activities and trips with kids, family events where the elders enjoyed their grandchildren, and the children enjoyed their cousins at holidays,visits, trips. Neighbors interacting over community events, school activities, band concerts, etc. Still had my career, the kind where you have to keep assauging with more graduate school, more certifications, networking. As a woman, I was still "somewhat" respected after I hit the 45 mark because I had skills requires, was also a mentor. I took care of my parents, inlaws until their deaths,
went to many funerals of my friends' parents, after watching them do the same. It's not a linear path, dying at the end. There's no prep for that.
Ok, then menopause. That's pretty much when those mouth upper lip lines start, the crepey skin, and the mid waist fat starts- no matter what one eats or tries to exercise away. Then retirement, long deserved and ready..and woohoo, we planned well, so we are comfortable. Not millionaires, but we are ok. We were public service employees, so the lack of income paid off in pensions. Again, we are not loaded, but much more comfortable than when we were 45 staring down three college tuitions ahead- which we managed.
Wow, here I am at 64. Kids don't have kids, and won't have. There will be no grandchildren. One lives across the country, 2 live locally. 2 are married. One travels a lot for work. They see us or interact with us when they can or when they need things( they don't ask for things, but we are available)and emotional support (one went through a tough divorce- we were there for her. She's now remarried, we are on the back burner.) , birthdays and Hallmark holidays. They send us funny memes on social media. I send funny memes back.
Our parents are gone, all our aunts and uncles ( well I do have one uncle who is 103..) our cousins and contemporary friends are super involved with, yes- their grandchildren. It's so lovely. And a child seems imminent in someone's family every couple of months. I see my cousins now at funerals. I see their kids on IG. I learned about a wedding from FB! Amazing, what if I wasn't on it. No more family events.
I was ready to retire, so no- I don't want to go back to work. I do not play tennis or golf.
I am an artist, I belong to several volunteer groups, we have pets, and the extra money we have goes to philanthropy. I am not bored. We are not bored.

I am heartbroken. Completely and fully heartbroken. I want a family. I want to be included in family events. I want someone to be happy that I am coming over. I want to buy someone a Christmas gift that they've been dreaming of.( Yes, I donate gifts) I want to go to piano or dance recitals. I am so envious of the young families around us, enjoying their milestones,watching the cars parked all over for a birthday or holiday. I "like" their pictures of swim meets, karate tournaments, trips to the beach.

So- who was I back then? Planning for the rest of my life, that's who I was. Who am I now? Planning for how I and my spouse will grow old and sooner or later, die, alone. It's crushing. Yeah, I'm still that younger person- but you don't see that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

Strong goals and blueprint from when a person is in elementary school until that persons children graduate college. To be clear. Then wtf am I supposed to do? Crickets in the blueprint area. It’s a weird, somewhat exciting, somewhat sad period. All of those plans, goals and blueprints were almost a distraction from reality that you entered the world by yourself and you will leave it by yourself. But now you either face it or figure out some other more ambiguous distraction.

Who were you before you had kids? When did that person get lost? Why is the only value you perceive is your value as a mother? And you want to be loved but not needed or of service - as if your active mothering days are over and you should just sit back and be fawned over as the martyr matriarch who gave everything she had to others? That’s not going to happen. You need to find your own path that you control and doesn’t depend on your kids creating purpose for you.

Where is your spouse? Your friends? Your community? Your hobbies?

I think you misunderstand.

I do not expect anything from my children. I just want them to be happy. What I’m saying is.. in first grade you need to get to second grade… to middle school.. to high school.. graduate high school … to college ,.. graduate college … get a job.. try to move up… get married… have children…. Create a stable house/financial atmosphere.. get kids from baby to toddler to elementary to middle (sports involved) ..to HS get in college..: graduate college .. launch… it’s all pretty much layed out.

Now…. hang out with spouse and do hobbies. And avoid the thought that I’m next over the conveyer belt.

I mean it’s not bad.. just a weird transition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

Strong goals and blueprint from when a person is in elementary school until that persons children graduate college. To be clear. Then wtf am I supposed to do? Crickets in the blueprint area. It’s a weird, somewhat exciting, somewhat sad period. All of those plans, goals and blueprints were almost a distraction from reality that you entered the world by yourself and you will leave it by yourself. But now you either face it or figure out some other more ambiguous distraction.

Who were you before you had kids? When did that person get lost? Why is the only value you perceive is your value as a mother? And you want to be loved but not needed or of service - as if your active mothering days are over and you should just sit back and be fawned over as the martyr matriarch who gave everything she had to others? That’s not going to happen. You need to find your own path that you control and doesn’t depend on your kids creating purpose for you.

Where is your spouse? Your friends? Your community? Your hobbies?

Anonymous wrote:The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

Strong goals and blueprint from when a person is in elementary school until that persons children graduate college. To be clear. Then wtf am I supposed to do? Crickets in the blueprint area. It’s a weird, somewhat exciting, somewhat sad period. All of those plans, goals and blueprints were almost a distraction from reality that you entered the world by yourself and you will leave it by yourself. But now you either face it or figure out some other more ambiguous distraction.

Anonymous wrote:The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

I do volunteer, of course. But why am I left with no family, expected only to be of service. I am no longer beautiful or young, bummer for everyone else, no longer as agile, but doing ok, so- I'm less useful I guess. I've loved everyone all my life. Is it too much to ask to be loved and cared for by anyone? You can imagine what a long married couple goes through when one of them dies. It's horrific- the end of everything.
I wish I could count on just being loved and not just needed by my family.
Re: Mother’s and Father's Day. I see the obligatory actions,and it depressed me. I wish it wasn't even a holiday actually.

The weird part is just life in general.

There is always a orderly plan for life with important goals and strong motivators from elementary school until children graduate college.

Then there’s this weird void with less important and ambiguous goals of your choosing. Nobody really talks much about it or plans for it. It’s just an odd period. Especially after your parents die… you are next to go over the edge of the conveyer belt , lol. Clinging to high volume involvement in your kids busy lives is actually kind of insecure and selfish. There are actually some really important things you can do with church involvement, aiding a hospice etc… but there is no set blueprint like life before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ours is a global family with siblings on both sides and childhood friends spread over several countries and states.

Ones who sent kids to local colleges, their kids stayed as they had their friend, acquaintance networks and local significant others.

Ones who sent kids to study out of state or overseas, their kids got settled elsewhere and don't feel as tied to their childhood towns. They do visit parents but obviously PTO, cost, other engagements limit number and length of their trips.

Lesson learned, be selfish and send kids to local community or state school.

WTF. So be selfish and stifle your kids, that’s the goal?

Its not my goal. Mine are grown and flown. However, i see no stifling among once who were encouraged (even bribed) to stay in-state. They had lots of advantages too and if they don't like, they sure can move far after they are employed.

Anonymous wrote:Ours is a global family with siblings on both sides and childhood friends spread over several countries and states.

Ones who sent kids to local colleges, their kids stayed as they had their friend, acquaintance networks and local significant others.

Ones who sent kids to study out of state or overseas, their kids got settled elsewhere and don't feel as tied to their childhood towns. They do visit parents but obviously PTO, cost, other engagements limit number and length of their trips.

Lesson learned, be selfish and send kids to local community or state school.

WTF. So be selfish and stifle your kids, that’s the goal?

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life. [/quote]

My son loves me as much as I love him. [/quote]

You simply cannot know that, and it is unquestionably true that his love for you is very different than yours for him.

You sound really needy, btw. I hope for your son’s sake you didn’t do the whole emotional incest thing that too many needy mommies do with their sons.[/quote]

He really does. He’s an only. Maybe that’s why. Either way, I’m very lucky. [/quote]

I wrote the first post in this chain and I’m an only child. I am close to my parents. They live nearby. They have a great relationship with my spouse and my children. We also have healthy boundaries and mutual respect. I stand by the fact that no child loves their parents as wholly and unconditionally as a parent loves their child.

My parents will do anything for me and by extension my children, their grandchildren. I care about them and I go out of my way to be thoughtful and helpful - but I put my own children’s physical and emotional needs before my parents’ preferences. I will inconvenience myself or sacrifice for my kids in ways I will not for my parents. The nature of my love for my parents, my spouse, and mg children are all different - as they should be.

I’m sure your son loves you - but I hope you are secure enough that you can make space for him to have his own family and to put his spouse and children first. [/quote]

+10000. The person who claims her son loves her as much as she loves him really needs to get a life. "I'm very lucky" Ahuh. I'm sure he feels smothered.[/quote]

I have a life, with a son who adores his Father and I. He takes a trip with his Dad every fall. He calls and texts me almost every day. He has a wonderful girlfriend and we have no opinions and zero involvement in his relationship. We will never interfere with his life, we are here when he wants us. No pressure and no obligations. I am an only and have a similar relationship with my Dad. Family relationships have to be tended to and cherished. They take effort like everything else worth having. We have had great sadness in our lives, maybe that’s why we all put such attention into our relationship.

I get to spend my time with my adult children every weekend. I play golf with my oldest son and his wife for four hours every Saturday, and we, my wife and I, go out for lunch with them after that. I repeat the same thing with my daughter and her husband on Sunday. I love every minute of it.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life. [/quote]

My son loves me as much as I love him. [/quote]

You simply cannot know that, and it is unquestionably true that his love for you is very different than yours for him.

You sound really needy, btw. I hope for your son’s sake you didn’t do the whole emotional incest thing that too many needy mommies do with their sons.[/quote]

He really does. He’s an only. Maybe that’s why. Either way, I’m very lucky. [/quote]

I wrote the first post in this chain and I’m an only child. I am close to my parents. They live nearby. They have a great relationship with my spouse and my children. We also have healthy boundaries and mutual respect. I stand by the fact that no child loves their parents as wholly and unconditionally as a parent loves their child.

My parents will do anything for me and by extension my children, their grandchildren. I care about them and I go out of my way to be thoughtful and helpful - but I put my own children’s physical and emotional needs before my parents’ preferences. I will inconvenience myself or sacrifice for my kids in ways I will not for my parents. The nature of my love for my parents, my spouse, and mg children are all different - as they should be.

I’m sure your son loves you - but I hope you are secure enough that you can make space for him to have his own family and to put his spouse and children first. [/quote]

+10000. The person who claims her son loves her as much as she loves him really needs to get a life. "I'm very lucky" Ahuh. I'm sure he feels smothered.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life. [/quote]

My son loves me as much as I love him. [/quote]

You simply cannot know that, and it is unquestionably true that his love for you is very different than yours for him.

You sound really needy, btw. I hope for your son’s sake you didn’t do the whole emotional incest thing that too many needy mommies do with their sons.[/quote]

He really does. He’s an only. Maybe that’s why. Either way, I’m very lucky. [/quote]

I wrote the first post in this chain and I’m an only child. I am close to my parents. They live nearby. They have a great relationship with my spouse and my children. We also have healthy boundaries and mutual respect. I stand by the fact that no child loves their parents as wholly and unconditionally as a parent loves their child.

My parents will do anything for me and by extension my children, their grandchildren. I care about them and I go out of my way to be thoughtful and helpful - but I put my own children’s physical and emotional needs before my parents’ preferences. I will inconvenience myself or sacrifice for my kids in ways I will not for my parents. The nature of my love for my parents, my spouse, and mg children are all different - as they should be.

I’m sure your son loves you - but I hope you are secure enough that you can make space for him to have his own family and to put his spouse and children first.