Anonymous
Post 12/29/2022 11:15     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation last year in which my Dad died after a lengthy illness and my brother was the point person for everything, had POA, etc., because he was the one living where my Dad was. My Dad was in a nursing home so, like your brother, mine didn’t have to do day to day caretaking, BUT the burden of being the point person, the one the caretakers called about everything, dealing with the finances, etc. cannot be overstated. When my Dad passed the least I could do was go along with whatever my brother needed/planned. He carried such a heavy burden when my Dad was alive, it would have been petty AF to add on to that after my Dad’s passing by trying to dictate funeral dates, etc. Please think about this, because I’m sure your brother right now thinks you and your other siblings are the biggest a holes of all time for not being there to assist either before or after your Mom’s death but complaining about the dates of the service.


THIS. Anyone who hasn't lived this has NO IDEA, even if the relative has paid caregivers. And in OP's case, the brother isn't even done because the father is still alive and has his own host of issues!


Seriously. The fact that this sibling doesn't even have any sense of gratitude or appreciation for the heavy burden their sibling has taken on leaves me saddened and astounded. Wow. They took on all this work and all their sister can do is complain on a message board about the details of the funeral. Regardless of the legal responsibilities, the moral responsibilities are owned by all of the siblings.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2022 10:44     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The adult children.

However; I agree with 12:00 that people need to reassess their lives, and this situation provides a good opportunity.

I am sympathetic with the business traveler. I used to work in consulting and traveled a lot, and also worked in BigLaw, and my DH still works in BigLaw. The pressure to perform is very intense, and to wash away boundaries for personal business happens all the time--so one gets used to it, used to saying "I can't be there for X event due to business." The family also gets used to this. BUT--here is a good time to reflect, and also to practice dusting off those skills of pushing back on the business/firm and creating a boundary.

As for the non-life threatening surgery...to me this depends on the age of the child and the involvement of the other parent.

Just want to add...any minor-aged kids are watching you to see how much reverence to attach to someone's death. For instance, I hate public speaking, but at my mom's service, I gave a eulogy and did not break down and for me, in large part, it was to give my kids a role model of how to step up and honor those who cared for, and took care of us.


Well said. All of it.


+1. This is the answer.

OP- I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry for the circumstances around the funeral dates. Many of us don’t have picture-perfect families and can relate to various pieces of this. I do think you need to recognize that even if you couldn’t have “lightened your brother’s load” from afar, that you and your other sibling might instead decide to “put yourselves out” a little bit to attend the funeral.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2022 10:25     Subject: Re:Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
The two adult children who cannot make it for the ceremony can arrange something together to have some sort of event for them selves when they both can get together and which helps them grieve. I think that both should not rearrange their previous obligations. The departed will not know the difference.

Anonymous
Post 12/29/2022 08:04     Subject: Re:Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really sorry that posters are attacking you personally here. That really sucks.


We feel for the brother who has done the most, and her dad who clearly isn’t in a position to think clearly. Many of us can relate to the sibling who bears the brunt of responsibility. If it falls squarely to plan my mom’s funeral with no help or support from my siblings, then the funeral is going to be on the date of my choosing. Though that would never happen, because my siblings and I work as a team when the chips are down.


OP here
I fully agree that he has done the most-but NOT because my other brother and I refuse to. He has done the most because that is what my parents laid out LEGALLY. He has the option to refuse, and like I said, we've actively encouraged him to just step back and NOT come to my Dad's rescue! We've told him that he should consider giving my Dad ultimatums ("Dad I can't help you with your finances unless you give me clear and complete access to X accounts.") We've encouraged him to seek getting my dad declared legally incompetent and researched resources.


This is a whole lot of you telling your brother what to do instead of actually doing anything. YOU could take over the process to declare dad incompetent; YOU could plan the funeral.

I don’t blame him for not accommodating you, he probably just wants you to shut up.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2022 00:58     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:The adult children.

However; I agree with 12:00 that people need to reassess their lives, and this situation provides a good opportunity.

I am sympathetic with the business traveler. I used to work in consulting and traveled a lot, and also worked in BigLaw, and my DH still works in BigLaw. The pressure to perform is very intense, and to wash away boundaries for personal business happens all the time--so one gets used to it, used to saying "I can't be there for X event due to business." The family also gets used to this. BUT--here is a good time to reflect, and also to practice dusting off those skills of pushing back on the business/firm and creating a boundary.

As for the non-life threatening surgery...to me this depends on the age of the child and the involvement of the other parent.

Just want to add...any minor-aged kids are watching you to see how much reverence to attach to someone's death. For instance, I hate public speaking, but at my mom's service, I gave a eulogy and did not break down and for me, in large part, it was to give my kids a role model of how to step up and honor those who cared for, and took care of us.


Well said. All of it.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 23:41     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
I would not go if my child were having surgery. Even if my husband could be there (and actually I am pretty sure my DH would stay for the surgery also no matter what). I know it is completely irrational. And my kids are not even that young, I have been is serious medical situations with my kids and I know how this would roll for us.

OP - I hope you are able to work something out with the restaurant, that is the best suggestion on here if that is what is driving the date. In your local brother's defense, he may not be up to battling with your dad over the timing of the restaurant.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 23:11     Subject: Re:Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
OP, can one of you go and the spouse be with your child for the surgery?

I agree that the business trip is something that can be cancelled, flights postponed, etc. But you can split up the medical care, just like you would if only one of you could go to the funeral for any other reason?
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 23:08     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation last year in which my Dad died after a lengthy illness and my brother was the point person for everything, had POA, etc., because he was the one living where my Dad was. My Dad was in a nursing home so, like your brother, mine didn’t have to do day to day caretaking, BUT the burden of being the point person, the one the caretakers called about everything, dealing with the finances, etc. cannot be overstated. When my Dad passed the least I could do was go along with whatever my brother needed/planned. He carried such a heavy burden when my Dad was alive, it would have been petty AF to add on to that after my Dad’s passing by trying to dictate funeral dates, etc. Please think about this, because I’m sure your brother right now thinks you and your other siblings are the biggest a holes of all time for not being there to assist either before or after your Mom’s death but complaining about the dates of the service.


THIS. Anyone who hasn't lived this has NO IDEA, even if the relative has paid caregivers. And in OP's case, the brother isn't even done because the father is still alive and has his own host of issues!


+100. There’s no such thing as a reason I wouldn’t be at my parent’s funeral. None. No “trip of a lifetime” or “charity event.” Honestly…this thread is so sad in so many ways.


The "trip of a lifetime" and "charity event" were given as potential excuses for the siblings of the deceased person to not attend, not the children of the deceased person.

Even the international business trip and the non-essential surgery are not reasons to demand that the brother, who has been doing ALL the heavy lifting when it comes to their parents, change the date of the funeral service to accommodate OP and her other out of town siblings. OP and her siblings need to thank their brother profusely and do whatever he needs of them, which doesn’t include demanding he change the date of the service.


I don't know what "non essential surgery" you are talking about. The surgery is very much essential. It is non-life threatening, he won't die the very next day if it doesn't happen that day.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 22:51     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.


Agree.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 20:59     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation last year in which my Dad died after a lengthy illness and my brother was the point person for everything, had POA, etc., because he was the one living where my Dad was. My Dad was in a nursing home so, like your brother, mine didn’t have to do day to day caretaking, BUT the burden of being the point person, the one the caretakers called about everything, dealing with the finances, etc. cannot be overstated. When my Dad passed the least I could do was go along with whatever my brother needed/planned. He carried such a heavy burden when my Dad was alive, it would have been petty AF to add on to that after my Dad’s passing by trying to dictate funeral dates, etc. Please think about this, because I’m sure your brother right now thinks you and your other siblings are the biggest a holes of all time for not being there to assist either before or after your Mom’s death but complaining about the dates of the service.


THIS. Anyone who hasn't lived this has NO IDEA, even if the relative has paid caregivers. And in OP's case, the brother isn't even done because the father is still alive and has his own host of issues!


+100. There’s no such thing as a reason I wouldn’t be at my parent’s funeral. None. No “trip of a lifetime” or “charity event.” Honestly…this thread is so sad in so many ways.


The "trip of a lifetime" and "charity event" were given as potential excuses for the siblings of the deceased person to not attend, not the children of the deceased person.

Even the international business trip and the non-essential surgery are not reasons to demand that the brother, who has been doing ALL the heavy lifting when it comes to their parents, change the date of the funeral service to accommodate OP and her other out of town siblings. OP and her siblings need to thank their brother profusely and do whatever he needs of them, which doesn’t include demanding he change the date of the service.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 20:46     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation last year in which my Dad died after a lengthy illness and my brother was the point person for everything, had POA, etc., because he was the one living where my Dad was. My Dad was in a nursing home so, like your brother, mine didn’t have to do day to day caretaking, BUT the burden of being the point person, the one the caretakers called about everything, dealing with the finances, etc. cannot be overstated. When my Dad passed the least I could do was go along with whatever my brother needed/planned. He carried such a heavy burden when my Dad was alive, it would have been petty AF to add on to that after my Dad’s passing by trying to dictate funeral dates, etc. Please think about this, because I’m sure your brother right now thinks you and your other siblings are the biggest a holes of all time for not being there to assist either before or after your Mom’s death but complaining about the dates of the service.


THIS. Anyone who hasn't lived this has NO IDEA, even if the relative has paid caregivers. And in OP's case, the brother isn't even done because the father is still alive and has his own host of issues!


+100. There’s no such thing as a reason I wouldn’t be at my parent’s funeral. None. No “trip of a lifetime” or “charity event.” Honestly…this thread is so sad in so many ways.


The "trip of a lifetime" and "charity event" were given as potential excuses for the siblings of the deceased person to not attend, not the children of the deceased person.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2022 20:24     Subject: Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation last year in which my Dad died after a lengthy illness and my brother was the point person for everything, had POA, etc., because he was the one living where my Dad was. My Dad was in a nursing home so, like your brother, mine didn’t have to do day to day caretaking, BUT the burden of being the point person, the one the caretakers called about everything, dealing with the finances, etc. cannot be overstated. When my Dad passed the least I could do was go along with whatever my brother needed/planned. He carried such a heavy burden when my Dad was alive, it would have been petty AF to add on to that after my Dad’s passing by trying to dictate funeral dates, etc. Please think about this, because I’m sure your brother right now thinks you and your other siblings are the biggest a holes of all time for not being there to assist either before or after your Mom’s death but complaining about the dates of the service.


THIS. Anyone who hasn't lived this has NO IDEA, even if the relative has paid caregivers. And in OP's case, the brother isn't even done because the father is still alive and has his own host of issues!


+100. There’s no such thing as a reason I wouldn’t be at my parent’s funeral. None. No “trip of a lifetime” or “charity event.” Honestly…this thread is so sad in so many ways.