Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently and my MIL's upcoming party is causing major envy for me. I'm having childish emotions: Why is she here and my mom is not? DH and his sister are throwing her a lavish bash that's involving plenty of planning, and I just want no part of it. I know this probably makes me a horrible human being.

My mother died when I was in college. That was over 20 years ago. I still have these thoughts sometimes today. You aren't a bad person. It's normal. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Anonymous wrote:I suppose it's worth noting that OP didn't complain about having to attend the party. She complained about having to be involved in planning.

She didn't complain about either thing. She simply asked if if was OK that she not "feeling it" because she is envious that they still have a living mother.

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Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sure she can. There are not two sides here. Going to the party is the only option. Not going is off. It's okay to be off. But know that you are off.

It's clear to all that the only one who is off here is you. Most people understand that grief is unique to everyone. Just because OP is not experiencing it the exact way you experienced it, does not make her "off".

OP did not say she is suffering from crippling grief. She just wanted to know if her feeling of childish envy, her words, makes her a terrible person. The answer to that is no. And OP didn't actually say she wasn't going to the party, she is just having feelings of "wanting nothing to do with it." She just wants validation that she doesn't need to be super excited about the party. She never said she wasn't going.


So many posters here see "mom died" and immediately retreat into their own memory of grief, yet never read the actual poster's question. They are projecting their own feelings and probably their own memory of grief onto OP. Some of us are reacting to OP's actual words and question. OP said she is feeling childish and envious, and wonders if that is bad. That is totally different from lying in bed immobile from despair unable to face the world and asking should I attend a party.

If OP had said her mother just died and she is having a terrible time dealing with it and cannot function in the world yet, she would be getting different responses. What she actually said is that she is jealous that her husband's mother is gets to have a birthday. What she asked is if that makes her a terrible person. She is allowed to feel what she is feeling, of course, and that does not make her terrible. But actually acting on that particular emotion - envy - is, as OP herself said, childish.

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Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sure she can. There are not two sides here. Going to the party is the only option. Not going is off. It's okay to be off. But know that you are off.

I think YOU are off for demanding that OP do something that will exacerbate her sadness. Do you drink tears for breakfast? What's wrong with you?

DP. Exagerrations like this undermine your point by making you look childish and ridiculous.

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Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sure she can. There are not two sides here. Going to the party is the only option. Not going is off. It's okay to be off. But know that you are off.

I think YOU are off for demanding that OP do something that will exacerbate her sadness. Do you drink tears for breakfast? What's wrong with you?

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Anonymous wrote:People are so damn impatient these days. Even for grief to be over and done with. What a world we live in. Well, OP, you heard it here. You only get 30 days to mourn your dead mother, and then you have to suck it up and get with the program! Put on a happy face and start planning and attending all the parties! If you can't suck it up and do this, you need to find a therapist to fix what's wrong with you! No time to be sad! That's disrespectful to the living! Because, as you know, every day is a gift!

You don't really get 30 days. In this world maybe a week or two. You can't take off work; kids; life. Grief does not end but your ability to close down does.

Maybe you can take off work, maybe not. But you can certainly take off your MIL's birthday.

Easier to miss work.

Only if you have a MIL that uses purity tests to determine who is loyal to her. Which is sociopathic.

OP I’m sorry about your loss and I’m sorry you’re receiving such callous replies.

This birthday party is like any other event— an invitation is not a summons. If you are up to it, attend, if you are not up to it, send regrets. A mother in law who begrudges you your grief because of her birthday party lacks emotional maturity and compassion. My mother in law would understand, and my mother would understand if my husband didn’t attend her birthday after losing his mother.

The bigger worry I have is that your husband seems a bit oblivious to your pain.

I say this as someone who lost both parents in quick succession as a young adult: Socializing in the weeks/first couple of months after their deaths was some of the hardest time I've ever spent.

That said, I think it's important to go. As much as I'd dread it, opting out is not the example I'd want to set for my kids. Showing up for your people matters.

Anonymous wrote:I suppose it's worth noting that OP didn't complain about having to attend the party. She complained about having to be involved in planning.

She didn’t actually. She complained that her husband and his sister were planning the party. There is no indication at all that she was involved in the planning. Anyway I think OP needs to just suck it up.

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why you should have to be involved in the planning of this

+1

OP never said she is being asked to plan.

Why did you need to hear that?

OP, I was invited to a baby shower about 5 months after my infant died. My friends said they'd understand if I didn't want to attend. After some deliberation, I decided to attend.

And it was incredibly hard - not because it was a baby shower, but because I was still incredibly heartbroken about my child and after the first month or so, it seemed like everyone just expected me to move on as if nothing happened. And then I had to act the opposite of the way I felt inside.

Here I was at this happy baby shower and everyone is laughing, joking and having a good time, and inside I never felt more alone and sad as I did in that moment. And I really tried to make small talk about things that truly seemed nonsensical to me - things that did not matter, and act "normal" for the sake of my friends. But it was all hollow and awkward and stilted. And I could not even bring up any of my real self to that event, because it would have been a downer, and frankly, inappropriate at such a celebratory occasion. I cried a lot afterwards, when I was finally alone.

I am glad my friends invited me, but I also know they would have understood if I decided not to go. For me, at that time, even though I did not know it, I was not prepared or ready for that kind of occasion. I don't regret going but I do think that experience made me want to avoid social gatherings of any kind for a while. I'm fully aware there are plenty of people who would have been fine at such an event, and maybe found comfort in it. I did not.

Do what feels right for you, not what you think everyone expects of you.

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Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sure she can. There are not two sides here. Going to the party is the only option. Not going is off. It's okay to be off. But know that you are off.

It's clear to all that the only one who is off here is you. Most people understand that grief is unique to everyone. Just because OP is not experiencing it the exact way you experienced it, does not make her "off".

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Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

The issue is, what does MIL have to do with OP’s grief? Nothing. OP’s MIL’s continued existence doesn’t take anything away from OP’s grief for her mom. As another pp put it, is OP going to avoid every event involving mothers? The only connection would, superficially, seem to be that OP is jealous of her DH and his mother, at least that’s how it would be interpreted. OP needs a good grief counselor who can help her separate these two individuals.

This is pretty much where I come out.