I actually think there isn't a decision to be made at this moment. You are at capacity. It would be irresponsible to get pregnant on purpose when you're at capacity. So all you can do is try and find more capacity now.

So - five months old. Is baby sleeping through the night and putting himself to sleep for naps and nights? If not, get yourself a copy of The Sleep Easy Solution and sleep train. That's huge. What is hard? What is restorative for you? If you need time out with friends, you need to start figuring out a window when your husband will definitely be there so you can go out, every week. Do you need couple time? You need to start finding babysitters. Too much work around the house? Trying sending out laundry, get a house cleaner, gardener, etc. Do you need more support during the day? Are you taking care of your physical and mental health? Etc, etc, etc.

IF you can get to a place where you have extra energy and time, and you are no longer at capacity, then you can consider devoting that time to a new baby. And then, yes, you should also consider what things you can do to make the first few months easier - night nanny, earlier sleep training, formula vs. nursing, etc - and do it.

I think if you focus on your capacity, you've got a good chance of finding you do have the space for another in time, but maybe not. It's hard to imagine you'll have capacity for a third considering how close together they'd have to be in age, so I think you probably are best off making your peace with never having a third.

I am 34 with 3 kids ages 2, 4 and 6. I am fairly high energy although introverted and I require decent sleep. Sleep has not been a huge issue beyond the infant months but 3 or even 2 kids is much more work than one. Like I said, I have pretty high energy levels but even I feel overwhelmed by the constant need for my attention day in and day out. I don’t feel tapped out most of the time but I won’t have a 4th because I think that could potentially put me over my threshold. If you are already feeling maxed out you may want to stick with 1 to ensure you and your child are not overextended. Is there a reason you want more kids? Imo don’t measure your life as it exists now with an ideal life scenario you assumed would be best prior to actually having a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Uncalled for. Their mothers are working. What is this, 1950?

My younger child went through a seven month phase where she called everyone dada. I was dada, our nanny was dada, my older child was dada. Jimmy Fallon wrote books with the titles “everything is dada” and “everything is mama”. Some children use one word to refer to many petiole/things (e.g., all dogs are max because my dog is named max). Calling the nanny mama isn’t meaningful.

Same. DD is now in preschool and still refers to all adult women as "mommies" and all adult men as "daddies." They're just words that stick for a lot of kids, especially probably with adults they love that care for them. OPP I get that you're trying to say that parents (moms) who have nannies for their kids instead of staying at home with them are doing something wrong and not really being mothers, but I assure you our children know who their mother(s) and father(s) are. Never felt jealous of my nanny. I was glad my kid loved her so much, and that my kid also had yet another wonderful adult in her life to rely on, trust, learn from, and love. SO there you go, THAT's how mothers with nannies feel, hon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Uncalled for. Their mothers are working. What is this, 1950?

My younger child went through a seven month phase where she called everyone dada. I was dada, our nanny was dada, my older child was dada. Jimmy Fallon wrote books with the titles “everything is dada” and “everything is mama”. Some children use one word to refer to many petiole/things (e.g., all dogs are max because my dog is named max). Calling the nanny mama isn’t meaningful.

How badly do you want more children? That's what this all comes down to. If you and DH really want more kids, then given your age and medical issues, I would do it sooner rather than later and hire help. I got pregnant with my 2nd when my 1st was 15 months old, so the 1st was not even 2 when the 2nd arrived. I am not going to sugarcoat it - those first two years were very hard. I was a SAHM and I had a sitter come in to help me 2-3 times a week because DH wasn't around much due to his job. You could hire a sitter for as much time as you need, plus you could hire a night nurse so you can sleep or DH can do some of the night feedings.

After those first two years, it's been absolutely fantastic having 2 kids so close in age. They get along great. They played together all the time when they were younger, now they hang out together (they are teens). They even hang out with each other's friends sometimes. I find it far easier to have them close in age so they are into the same things at time same time, versus have kids in totally different worlds. Right now they are doing the same after school activity in fact so that is one pickup, instead of me driving all over town.

We stopped at 2. From what I can see, 3 is just a whole other level. Think about 3 kids with 3 different sets of activities. It looks like it would be a lot. I would have loved more kids on some level, but 2 was the right number for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

I’m glad your brother has been so helpful but I have the opposite experience. My brother is an alcoholic and the amount of money than my parents have spent trying to support him has actively hurt their retirement. Not only can I not rely on him for help with our elderly parents, caring for him is an even tougher burden (I still love him, of course). So not only if there zero guarantee you’ll have help, there’s the possibility that a sibling may make things actively harder. And before anyone judges, my parents were supportive and loving and did nothing to “cause” his alcoholism.

My DH and I will inevitably have to support his sister once my inlaws pass. She is a little younger than us, mid-30s, is unable to hold down a job, and has been fully supported by my inlaws, so has always had supplementary funds. Never has known consequences. ILs have money, but not enough to support his sister beyond the grave. So there's that. Gonna be a burden, I can already see.

Anonymous wrote:You can hire a nanny or put the older one in school for some hours to give you a break.

It is doable. definitely have one more if you can.

That doesn’t work when you have tweens and teens, and energy is still an issue for parenting at those phases too.

I'm not sure how you can predict how easy or hard subsequent children are. I have only one that I had at 42 with little trying. At five months, I was overwhelmed as well (although I worked out of the house full time, so at least had a break from the physical labor part of momming). This doesn't seem like something you need to decide today, so be deliberate about thinking about contingencies, and maybe consider working out of the home if that's what works for you. If it doesn't, fine, but all kids are different, and there are a variety of unknown factors here, i.e. time to conceive, how you'll feel after 2 kids (may be different than one), so any advice you get is based on right now, and not how you'll feel when your baby is older, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

I’m glad your brother has been so helpful but I have the opposite experience. My brother is an alcoholic and the amount of money than my parents have spent trying to support him has actively hurt their retirement. Not only can I not rely on him for help with our elderly parents, caring for him is an even tougher burden (I still love him, of course). So not only if there zero guarantee you’ll have help, there’s the possibility that a sibling may make things actively harder. And before anyone judges, my parents were supportive and loving and did nothing to “cause” his alcoholism.

DP - I'm in a virtually identical situation, PP, though it's my sister (and only sibling) who is addicted to alcohol. To say she makes things actively harder is an understatement. She also has a daughter for whom my parents (mostly my mom) provide, to complicate the situation. I'm hoping like hell my mom lives until my niece is 18. My dad struggles financially in part due to the years he spent paying my sister's rent, for which she is wholly ungrateful. It sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is low-energy just code for lazy?

From people I know, it’s either physical health (weight, thyroid, etc) or mental health. A few decades of depression, anxiety, and/or ADHD will really zap your reserves. You get so used to functioning that way it becomes your new normal.

Interesting. Thanks. I really was curious. Bc I think I am a lazy person but I am not a low energy parent. I just like to nap.

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

I’m glad your brother has been so helpful but I have the opposite experience. My brother is an alcoholic and the amount of money than my parents have spent trying to support him has actively hurt their retirement. Not only can I not rely on him for help with our elderly parents, caring for him is an even tougher burden (I still love him, of course). So not only if there zero guarantee you’ll have help, there’s the possibility that a sibling may make things actively harder. And before anyone judges, my parents were supportive and loving and did nothing to “cause” his alcoholism.

I'd have a 2nd in a year or 2. But definitely use some childcare, even if it's part time. Most especially for the older one after #2 arrives.

Those years are hard. I won't lie. But now that I am on the other side of it, it was well worth it to get to where we are now with a 6 and 8 year old.

I would not have 3 kids if you "don't do well with sleep deprivation". The second time around was much much harder and I realized there was no way I could ever do it again and not be a horrible mother, so we stopped at 2.

You can hire a nanny or put the older one in school for some hours to give you a break.

It is doable. definitely have one more if you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is low-energy just code for lazy?

From people I know, it’s either physical health (weight, thyroid, etc) or mental health. A few decades of depression, anxiety, and/or ADHD will really zap your reserves. You get so used to functioning that way it becomes your new normal.

I'm a PP who stopped at one child and I'm active, high-energy as in energetic personality, travel a lot, work out a lot, very extroverted -- but I'll sometimes say I'm a "low-energy" parent bc I don't like kid chaos very much and it's more polite to say "low energy" than to say "not a kid person"!

I agree with this poster that being “low energy”is not always a clinical problem.

Some introverted and highly sensitive people need more quiet contemplation in life to feel normal. Some people become overstimulated easily from the touch and noise of babies and without breaks they’ll experience physical symptoms like migraines. Some people with creative practices (artists, musicians, writers) need to make time to create in order to feel whole, something that takes time, quiet, and brain space (all hard to do with babies around). Some people simply need more sleep than others to have a normal amount of energy.

These are neither clinical physical/mental challenges nor laziness. They’re just knowing yourself and what you need to be regulated (physically and emotionally) so that you can have the patience required for parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is low-energy just code for lazy?

From people I know, it’s either physical health (weight, thyroid, etc) or mental health. A few decades of depression, anxiety, and/or ADHD will really zap your reserves. You get so used to functioning that way it becomes your new normal.

I'm a PP who stopped at one child and I'm active, high-energy as in energetic personality, travel a lot, work out a lot, very extroverted -- but I'll sometimes say I'm a "low-energy" parent bc I don't like kid chaos very much and it's more polite to say "low energy" than to say "not a kid person"!