Anonymous
11/13/2022 11:06
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:There are a few posters - not many as they are quite prolific - who constantly scan the parenting and relationship boards looking for any reference to working status of mothers. They then insist repeatedly why it’s necessary and important for them to SAH with their school aged children, and any mother who doesn’t clearly cares more for money than her children, or married a deadbeat who can’t “support his family.” If only we were all lucky enough to have married “wonderful, supportive” husbands like theirs who don’t need or want them to work and care not what they do all day. Anyone trying to assert that they are happy working and it does not in any way negatively affect their family is essentially called, by these posters, a lair or a fool. It’s so predictable, it’s boring. I can’t quite understand why a secure, happy person would spend their time doing this.
Actually I’m sometimes resentful that Dh is too successful. I have friends where both the wife and husband have well paying relatively flexible jobs and it seems wonderful. Dh makes a seven figure income and out earns most of our friends. If he also earned a few hundred and could share the kid duties, I would have gone back to work. Juggling 3 kids a lot and there are always new ways they need us. I actually think my middle school child needs me just as much as my youngest.
I am mostly happy. That doesn’t mean I sometimes don’t mourn my career. Dh thinks I miss my childfree young professional life in NYC more than the work and he is right.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 11:02
Subject: Re:Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I left the work force when my kids were 4 and 6. I didn’t think I would leave forever. I ended up having another baby and have been home now for 5 years.
I think the most important factors are your dh’s income, your savings and the stability of your marriage.
Dh earns a seven figure income. If he only earned 500k, I would probably go back to work. For now, I am enjoying my family. No regrets.
Totally disagree based on how the OP framed the question. The most important factor is: How will OP feel about never having a "big" job again? Will she find personal satisfaction being home and not working? For a year? For 5 years? What about when she tries to go back and gets one of the "I work part time from home to have something to do but my income is only $12k a year" jobs that the PPs posted? If you're someone who is used to being in a big job, and derives satisfaction out of that, the fact that your husband can pay the mortgage is pretty low down the list of factors.
I spent a lot of time in school earning my degrees. I worked long hours at investment banks while I missed putting my baby to bed most weeknights. I took a lateral job with better hours when I had my second child. Working 9-5 still didn’t leave enough time to spend time with my kids. I have tried consulting, part time, very part time and have had a nanny, cook, FT housekeeper, tutor, outsourced everything and anything I could.
Everyone is different. For me personally, I found the mommy tracked flexible jobs to be uninteresting and soul sucking. I hated doing work that I considered beneath me.[list] Some people thought my previous part time situations were ideal but having a meh job was worse than no job for me. I worked in finance though so perhaps I just didn’t find it fulfilling. I used to miss coworkers but I’ve created a network of friends to socialize with.
I love my time with my kids. I am doing all the things I missed with my older two. I host a lot of play dates, travel 10+ times per year and am enjoying life. I am also doing volunteer week in causes that interest me.
I may go back to work in the future. Right now my parents are in poor health and I also spend time with them. I don’t think I will ever regret the time I spend with my parents before they pass or the time I am spending with my children.
You found mommy-track jobs uninteresting and beneath you, but spending your days doing Target runs is super fascinating?
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:58
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.
Who is us?
You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.
Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.
Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.
This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”
Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.
Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.
Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?
Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.
It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...
This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?
Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.
Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.
I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She needs to go to work because her husband must.
NP here and I feel this. I left at a transition point in our family life and then my child's SN became the reason I stayed at home and his needs seem to go in waves and the parenting is not getting any less intense. Covid has dramatically changed the workplace and I don't want to work from home--I actually did that earlier in my career and I find it isolating. But we are not so rich that my income doesn't matter and I think of worse case scenarios IRT my husband's health. I feel like I'm flailing because I don't see anything appealing in the work world now and while my children and our family life havecertainly benefitted from having one parent at home I want to do more with my brain and I want a life apart from family that is about me as an individual and not a mom. Other than work I don't see a way to do that. I do have some independent creative pursuits but that's not enough (plus since I consider those leisure I feel guilty taking time for them).
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:56
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
There are a few posters - not many as they are quite prolific - who constantly scan the parenting and relationship boards looking for any reference to working status of mothers. They then insist repeatedly why it’s necessary and important for them to SAH with their school aged children, and any mother who doesn’t clearly cares more for money than her children, or married a deadbeat who can’t “support his family.” If only we were all lucky enough to have married “wonderful, supportive” husbands like theirs who don’t need or want them to work and care not what they do all day. Anyone trying to assert that they are happy working and it does not in any way negatively affect their family is essentially called, by these posters, a lair or a fool. It’s so predictable, it’s boring. I can’t quite understand why a secure, happy person would spend their time doing this.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:49
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
Sure, but we are all dependent on someone else for money. You may think it’s better to receive a paycheck from a company, but plenty of women don’t care. For my own family, we need around a 500k HHI to live the lifestyle we prefer. We don’t care whose salary that is from or if it’s from inheritance. I don’t think I’m any better if my earnings are from a paycheck from a corporation as opposed to inheritance or from my husband’s high paying job.
You are just a glorified baggage. Nothing more.
So I wouldn’t be baggage if I earned a paycheck (you seem to assume I don’t work), but I am glorified baggage if my income is from inheritance? Sorry but my DH doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as it’s legal and I am happy.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:47
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
Sure, but we are all dependent on someone else for money. You may think it’s better to receive a paycheck from a company, but plenty of women don’t care. For my own family, we need around a 500k HHI to live the lifestyle we prefer. We don’t care whose salary that is from or if it’s from inheritance. I don’t think I’m any better if my earnings are from a paycheck from a corporation as opposed to inheritance or from my husband’s high paying job.
You are just a glorified baggage. Nothing more.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:46
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
I love depending on DH. I love my kids depending on me. To love and be loved is the best feeling.
DH comes and kills bugs always. He gives me a hug and kiss every morning. He is always reliable and there for me.
If anything ever were to happen to him or if we divorced, I would also be fine.
My dad was always there for us. Now he is ill and depends on my mom.
I am not anyone’s baggage, just as our kids are not our baggage either. We are a family and nothing is more important than family.
+1000000. It’s so sad that so many posters on here think depending on their husband is a bad thing.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:44
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
I love depending on DH. I love my kids depending on me. To love and be loved is the best feeling.
DH comes and kills bugs always. He gives me a hug and kiss every morning. He is always reliable and there for me.
If anything ever were to happen to him or if we divorced, I would also be fine.
My dad was always there for us. Now he is ill and depends on my mom.
I am not anyone’s baggage, just as our kids are not our baggage either. We are a family and nothing is more important than family.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:07
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
Sure, but we are all dependent on someone else for money. You may think it’s better to receive a paycheck from a company, but plenty of women don’t care. For my own family, we need around a 500k HHI to live the lifestyle we prefer. We don’t care whose salary that is from or if it’s from inheritance. I don’t think I’m any better if my earnings are from a paycheck from a corporation as opposed to inheritance or from my husband’s high paying job.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 10:01
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
The worst thing is the fact that you lose your independence. Now, whether you like it or not, you rely on someone else to provide for you. In my mind, there's nothing worse than becoming a baggage to someone else. And, again whether you like it or not, who you become.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 09:51
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.
Who is us?
You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.
Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.
Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.
This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”
Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.
Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.
Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?
Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.
It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...
This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?
Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.
Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.
I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She need to go to work because her husband must.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 08:53
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.
Who is us?
You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.
Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.
Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.
This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”
Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.
Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.
Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?
Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.
It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...
This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?
I’m the pp who said I stopped working when my kids were 3 and 6. I didn’t want to go back to work when my maternity leave ended with my first child. I had to go back to work. I earned more than Dh then and had six figure student loans. Dh caught up to me and passed my income. I had mommy tracked and earned less but no longer loved my job.
I stopped working when we could afford for me to not work.
Anonymous
11/13/2022 08:37
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.
Who is us?
You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.
Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.
Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.
This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”
Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.
Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.
Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?
Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.
It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...
This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?
Anonymous
11/13/2022 08:36
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Take one step at a time. If this job sucks and you can afford it, quit. There is always a way back into the workforce when you are ready—-IF you are educated and smart and hardworking. And flexible .
Anonymous
11/13/2022 08:35
Subject: Does anyone regret leaving the work force?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.
Who is us?
You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.
Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.
Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.
This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”
Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.
Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.
Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?
Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.
It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...
I had one kid in kindergarten and one kid in daycare when I stopped working. My older child had trouble reading and my younger kid was a disaster. Perhaps it was just terrible threes. I felt they needed me. There were so many snow days, sick days, volunteer days, field trips, school breaks, teacher work days, etc. i personally thought elementary was far more difficult to manage than when I had a full time nanny plus preschool.
I joined the pta, helped organize and chair many school events. My kids joined swim team and became excellent swimmers. I hosted tons of play dates, especially on those days off that I used to despise. I had another kid and joined moms groups and made many mom friends. I attended and hosted many themed play dates. During Covid, we were able to explore nature and went on many driving trips all around the US while my older kids did virtual school.
I’m not saying this is the ideal life for all moms but this was the mom life I wanted.