Anonymous
Post 08/04/2022 13:31     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
My take on this is if I know the answer immediately, I tell him. If I don't, I say "I don't know" and make zero effort to find out the answer. He can do that himself. That said, he cooks and is in charge of food, I'm probably the one asking him if there's something in the fridge and not once has he said "go check yourself".

Regarding school/doctor - I have always listed my husband first because up until recently, I was on the floor all day and couldn't stop what I was doing to walk over and check my cell phone (and the ringer was off anyway so I wouldn't hear it). Even then, both the school and the doctor's office called me first every time. There were two separate times where the school left several messages asking me to pick up the kids but never called my husband who works from home walking distance from the school. My kids had to wait for over an hour before I saw the messages! If I could do it over again, I would list my husband's cell phone as mine.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2022 11:50     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.



This. Why do they think their time is more valuable that they dont even need to try? Why do they think we are admin assistants?


Yeah heaven forbid he should interrupt you from poking at your phone or watching an important TiKTok.


Here is the thing. Pre-WOHMs when most mothers were SAHMs and responsible for the house and children only, waiting on your husband hand and foot was your contribution to the family unit. The male worked, the female cleaned the house, took care of the children, made the food, did the grocery shopping, etc.

That is over for most couples now. Women work that is their contribution. Men work that is their contribution. What remains to be split and divided up is the household and children. Your insinuation that women- when they arent working FT jobs- are watching TikTok and/or on their phone while at home sounds like a personal problem. It is just another criticism of the "bored housewife" type but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is another tidibit for you: women are allowed to stop. They are allowed to take breaks, even when the kids are awake. They are allowed to interact with others and zone out for a bit. You sound like the type that wants mothers to bear the cross all day and only stop to put it down to sleep.

"The differences in workload are apparent in measures of the time men and women spend on household chores. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, women overall spent an average of two hours and 13 minutes on chores daily, compared with one hour and 21 minutes for men in 2013 (the most recent year for which data is available). In households with two full-time working parents, the gap is somewhat smaller: Full-time working mothers spent just under two hours a day on “household activities” while full-time working fathers spent about an hour and 18 minutes on them, according to the BLS.

Even when men and women are not working, their division of labor differs. Men are likely to watch more television when they are out of work, while women will likely spend more time caring for others. Not surprisingly, the American Psychological Association found that women reported higher levels of stress than men.

In addition, the Working Mother study found that several of the chores men tend to pick up, like mowing the lawn, landscaping, car washing, car maintenance and doing the taxes, are among the chores families are most likely to outsource.

There is also a difference in the quality of work men and women take on, according to the survey. Men’s chores tend to have a finite endpoint—it is obvious when the garbage cans have been taken out. Women, though, take on the bulk of the planning activities, like children’s health care, birthday parties and vacation planning, in addition to chores like cooking and cleaning."

Things are improving generationally but only because of society changing. This sounds like someone who still thinks its Leave it to Beaver.


TL;DR a lot of BS excuses for why you should be allowed to poke at your phone and watch TikToks instead of interact with your husband.


"ALLOWED" hahahahhahahahahaha okay incel
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2022 10:53     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude


The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.


When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.


Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons


The mental load is the least of your problems.


+1. These are grounds for leaving. The mental load piece is annoying but probably not a good enough reason to uproot your kids lives and change their family structure forever. A dysfunctional parent is another story, but also difficult in that you don’t want your children around him solo 50% of the time.
Anonymous
Post 08/03/2022 16:12     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.



This. Why do they think their time is more valuable that they dont even need to try? Why do they think we are admin assistants?


Yeah heaven forbid he should interrupt you from poking at your phone or watching an important TiKTok.


Here is the thing. Pre-WOHMs when most mothers were SAHMs and responsible for the house and children only, waiting on your husband hand and foot was your contribution to the family unit. The male worked, the female cleaned the house, took care of the children, made the food, did the grocery shopping, etc.

That is over for most couples now. Women work that is their contribution. Men work that is their contribution. What remains to be split and divided up is the household and children. Your insinuation that women- when they arent working FT jobs- are watching TikTok and/or on their phone while at home sounds like a personal problem. It is just another criticism of the "bored housewife" type but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is another tidibit for you: women are allowed to stop. They are allowed to take breaks, even when the kids are awake. They are allowed to interact with others and zone out for a bit. You sound like the type that wants mothers to bear the cross all day and only stop to put it down to sleep.

"The differences in workload are apparent in measures of the time men and women spend on household chores. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, women overall spent an average of two hours and 13 minutes on chores daily, compared with one hour and 21 minutes for men in 2013 (the most recent year for which data is available). In households with two full-time working parents, the gap is somewhat smaller: Full-time working mothers spent just under two hours a day on “household activities” while full-time working fathers spent about an hour and 18 minutes on them, according to the BLS.

Even when men and women are not working, their division of labor differs. Men are likely to watch more television when they are out of work, while women will likely spend more time caring for others. Not surprisingly, the American Psychological Association found that women reported higher levels of stress than men.

In addition, the Working Mother study found that several of the chores men tend to pick up, like mowing the lawn, landscaping, car washing, car maintenance and doing the taxes, are among the chores families are most likely to outsource.

There is also a difference in the quality of work men and women take on, according to the survey. Men’s chores tend to have a finite endpoint—it is obvious when the garbage cans have been taken out. Women, though, take on the bulk of the planning activities, like children’s health care, birthday parties and vacation planning, in addition to chores like cooking and cleaning."

Things are improving generationally but only because of society changing. This sounds like someone who still thinks its Leave it to Beaver.


TL;DR a lot of BS excuses for why you should be allowed to poke at your phone and watch TikToks instead of interact with your husband.


Man sometimes I forget how stupid and disingenuous people can be.

PP your comment was insightful. Thank you.
Anonymous
Post 08/03/2022 15:47     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.



This. Why do they think their time is more valuable that they dont even need to try? Why do they think we are admin assistants?


Yeah heaven forbid he should interrupt you from poking at your phone or watching an important TiKTok.


Here is the thing. Pre-WOHMs when most mothers were SAHMs and responsible for the house and children only, waiting on your husband hand and foot was your contribution to the family unit. The male worked, the female cleaned the house, took care of the children, made the food, did the grocery shopping, etc.

That is over for most couples now. Women work that is their contribution. Men work that is their contribution. What remains to be split and divided up is the household and children. Your insinuation that women- when they arent working FT jobs- are watching TikTok and/or on their phone while at home sounds like a personal problem. It is just another criticism of the "bored housewife" type but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is another tidibit for you: women are allowed to stop. They are allowed to take breaks, even when the kids are awake. They are allowed to interact with others and zone out for a bit. You sound like the type that wants mothers to bear the cross all day and only stop to put it down to sleep.

"The differences in workload are apparent in measures of the time men and women spend on household chores. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, women overall spent an average of two hours and 13 minutes on chores daily, compared with one hour and 21 minutes for men in 2013 (the most recent year for which data is available). In households with two full-time working parents, the gap is somewhat smaller: Full-time working mothers spent just under two hours a day on “household activities” while full-time working fathers spent about an hour and 18 minutes on them, according to the BLS.

Even when men and women are not working, their division of labor differs. Men are likely to watch more television when they are out of work, while women will likely spend more time caring for others. Not surprisingly, the American Psychological Association found that women reported higher levels of stress than men.

In addition, the Working Mother study found that several of the chores men tend to pick up, like mowing the lawn, landscaping, car washing, car maintenance and doing the taxes, are among the chores families are most likely to outsource.

There is also a difference in the quality of work men and women take on, according to the survey. Men’s chores tend to have a finite endpoint—it is obvious when the garbage cans have been taken out. Women, though, take on the bulk of the planning activities, like children’s health care, birthday parties and vacation planning, in addition to chores like cooking and cleaning."

Things are improving generationally but only because of society changing. This sounds like someone who still thinks its Leave it to Beaver.


TL;DR a lot of BS excuses for why you should be allowed to poke at your phone and watch TikToks instead of interact with your husband.
Anonymous
Post 08/03/2022 13:34     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.


Doing what you did would drive me nuts. Did you actually not know where the lightbulbs were or were you just trying to be nasty to your husband? Frankly I might not know where the lightbulbs were in my house if someone else u loaded the groceries. Why wouldn’t i ask instead of looking in a million places.


The lightbulbs are always in the same place and he's gotten them from there before. I honestly didn't know if we had any because I haven't needed to replace one in a while. But if we did have any, they'd be in the usual spot where they've always been. So he didn't need to look in a million places, just one. That's the point.
Anonymous
Post 08/03/2022 09:59     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.


Doing what you did would drive me nuts. Did you actually not know where the lightbulbs were or were you just trying to be nasty to your husband? Frankly I might not know where the lightbulbs were in my house if someone else u loaded the groceries. Why wouldn’t i ask instead of looking in a million places.


I am not the PP but lightbulbs should be in the place they always are. Having an unorganized household is part of the problem but even with an organized household where I 1)ask DH if he wants to organize 2)when he declines and says you know best and I do it and then drag him over to show him where stuff is so he doesnt need to ask me and then 3) still asks me....I am answering where they were when I showed you 3 months ago. Ive done the work now he needs to do some, which includes taking that moment, processing and storing that bit of information, because it is important. If it is not important then why should it be important to me to tell you where the Kleenex are.
Anonymous
Post 08/03/2022 09:55     Subject: How to drop the rope re mental load?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.



This. Why do they think their time is more valuable that they dont even need to try? Why do they think we are admin assistants?


Yeah heaven forbid he should interrupt you from poking at your phone or watching an important TiKTok.


Here is the thing. Pre-WOHMs when most mothers were SAHMs and responsible for the house and children only, waiting on your husband hand and foot was your contribution to the family unit. The male worked, the female cleaned the house, took care of the children, made the food, did the grocery shopping, etc.

That is over for most couples now. Women work that is their contribution. Men work that is their contribution. What remains to be split and divided up is the household and children. Your insinuation that women- when they arent working FT jobs- are watching TikTok and/or on their phone while at home sounds like a personal problem. It is just another criticism of the "bored housewife" type but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is another tidibit for you: women are allowed to stop. They are allowed to take breaks, even when the kids are awake. They are allowed to interact with others and zone out for a bit. You sound like the type that wants mothers to bear the cross all day and only stop to put it down to sleep.

"The differences in workload are apparent in measures of the time men and women spend on household chores. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, women overall spent an average of two hours and 13 minutes on chores daily, compared with one hour and 21 minutes for men in 2013 (the most recent year for which data is available). In households with two full-time working parents, the gap is somewhat smaller: Full-time working mothers spent just under two hours a day on “household activities” while full-time working fathers spent about an hour and 18 minutes on them, according to the BLS.

Even when men and women are not working, their division of labor differs. Men are likely to watch more television when they are out of work, while women will likely spend more time caring for others. Not surprisingly, the American Psychological Association found that women reported higher levels of stress than men.

In addition, the Working Mother study found that several of the chores men tend to pick up, like mowing the lawn, landscaping, car washing, car maintenance and doing the taxes, are among the chores families are most likely to outsource.

There is also a difference in the quality of work men and women take on, according to the survey. Men’s chores tend to have a finite endpoint—it is obvious when the garbage cans have been taken out. Women, though, take on the bulk of the planning activities, like children’s health care, birthday parties and vacation planning, in addition to chores like cooking and cleaning."

Things are improving generationally but only because of society changing. This sounds like someone who still thinks its Leave it to Beaver.