Nobody should assume that there will be anything left for an inheritance. Getting old is expensive, dying os even more so. The whole thing will probably end up being pointless because there won't be a huge amount left. People often assume that what seems like a lot of money (a million) will last forever, but, it doesn't. I've personally witnessed a lot of shock and disappointment when it was revealed that their formerly UMC parents died and had nothing left.

This reminds me of the experiment with monkeys and unequal rewards. The monkeys went into a rage when they thought they were treated unequally and watched other monkeys get better rewards for the same work. It's ingrained to reject unfairness, it just happens to be about money in OPs example.

https://www.seeker.com/furious-monkeys-rejecting-unequal-pay-explained-1769096238.html

DCUM is all about family boundaries and respecting agency and free will except when it comes this issue. FWIW, I completely expect to be on the losing end of this arrangement with my parent’s estate and my siblings. At the end of the day, I’m much more successful and I am taking care of myself and my family. I’d love for an equitable split, but I think my parents are trying to make the best decision as they see things. No need to get hurt over it or cut off my family over it. I’m sure if I needed the money my parents would split things equally.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get. [/quote]


Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.[/quote]

This. Parents who do this will create rifts that never go away. It's such a bad idea. My spouse and I had to think hard about this as we have a kid with disabilities. We allocated a little more for a few specifics but for the most part, the money is split evenly.[/quote]

Can you cite any of this? I believe yu and would like to read up

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

+ getting free room and maybe board, presumably.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

This is, almost exactly, my situation (with much les $ involved)

Do you think this is because what she wants to do or is feeling pressure from your brother? Does your brother help care for her?

I would be 100% okay with my parents leaving more to my little brother than my older brother and me. He’s an amazing guy but has chosen a less lucrative career. And the world is better off because of what he does. And I’ve told my parents that. But in your case, I would be hurt if a do-nothing sibling is rewarded for being a sloth….

.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

So what's the new will? OP- take what she allocates to you and think of it as a new car or kitchen renovation on her dime. Source of funds you don't have to work for like 50k off a scratch lottery ticket. Sure it's hurtful but declining is just more for the mooch.

If the OP mom chooses to flow 3m to the brother that leaves OP with what? 50 to 500k? Likely the brother is to be a POA and then executor so he'll take the max on the executor fee. Mom is influenced by the brother + kids but is not incompetent. DH parents left the house+contents to 1 of multiple siblings who was living with them. Working just too lazy/cheap to get her own place. Parents kept the house beyond it's time because of her. None of the others turned down the leftovers.

OP here. You are right, I think. But I don't know how I can continue a relationship with her when she again is blatantly treating me unfairly.

I would take a huge step back from your relationship. What your mother is doing would really hurt me. It’s about the money but not about the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

So what's the new will? OP- take what she allocates to you and think of it as a new car or kitchen renovation on her dime. Source of funds you don't have to work for like 50k off a scratch lottery ticket. Sure it's hurtful but declining is just more for the mooch.

If the OP mom chooses to flow 3m to the brother that leaves OP with what? 50 to 500k? Likely the brother is to be a POA and then executor so he'll take the max on the executor fee. Mom is influenced by the brother + kids but is not incompetent. DH parents left the house+contents to 1 of multiple siblings who was living with them. Working just too lazy/cheap to get her own place. Parents kept the house beyond it's time because of her. None of the others turned down the leftovers.

OP here. You are right, I think. But I don't know how I can continue a relationship with her when she again is blatantly treating me unfairly.

I feel like the crux of it is that you want to feel her love. Your anger is covering up something much vulnerable. Can you show that part of yourself to her? Are you really prepared to be cut out of her will, or are you assuming she'll protest and say, no no, she values you too, and make the will equal again? In other words, are you genuinely done with her or do you feel this is a tactic that has a high chance of turning out in your favor? I'm not a fan of tactics (manipulation) versus just saying your piece. You can say, "Mom, I've worked hard all of my life, and Larlo has been letting you subsidize his life for 10 years, and now you are saying he's going to get more of our inheritance because of it. That feels like you are rewarding him for not working, and punishing me for working hard." And then see what she says without adding any ultimatums.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

So what's the new will? OP- take what she allocates to you and think of it as a new car or kitchen renovation on her dime. Source of funds you don't have to work for like 50k off a scratch lottery ticket. Sure it's hurtful but declining is just more for the mooch.

If the OP mom chooses to flow 3m to the brother that leaves OP with what? 50 to 500k? Likely the brother is to be a POA and then executor so he'll take the max on the executor fee. Mom is influenced by the brother + kids but is not incompetent. DH parents left the house+contents to 1 of multiple siblings who was living with them. Working just too lazy/cheap to get her own place. Parents kept the house beyond it's time because of her. None of the others turned down the leftovers.

OP here. You are right, I think. But I don't know how I can continue a relationship with her when she again is blatantly treating me unfairly.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

So what's the new will? OP- take what she allocates to you and think of it as a new car or kitchen renovation on her dime. Source of funds you don't have to work for like 50k off a scratch lottery ticket. Sure it's hurtful but declining is just more for the mooch.

If the OP mom chooses to flow 3m to the brother that leaves OP with what? 50 to 500k? Likely the brother is to be a POA and then executor so he'll take the max on the executor fee. Mom is influenced by the brother + kids but is not incompetent. DH parents left the house+contents to 1 of multiple siblings who was living with them. Working just too lazy/cheap to get her own place. Parents kept the house beyond it's time because of her. None of the others turned down the leftovers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great way to ensure these siblings will never have a relationship

+1. Absent a SN diagnosis or crazy addiction issues, I can’t understand why a parent would not split their estate equally. I’ve seen inequitable treatment in my family and my husband’s family. I am not on good terms with my sibling and my husband is not on good terms with one of his siblings — and the root of this is unequal treatment under the guise of “this person makes less money then you and we need to somehow make things equal.” This thinking perpetuates jealousy and entitlement.

Crazy addiction issues means no inheritance. Why in the world would I leave my hard earned money to an addict to literally blow. I could “blow” it myself on myself, or leave it to people that would use it wisely, not enrich drug dealers.

My assumption is that the money gets put in a trust with very tight restrictions.

+1. Yes, that’s what I meant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great way to ensure these siblings will never have a relationship

+1. Absent a SN diagnosis or crazy addiction issues, I can’t understand why a parent would not split their estate equally. I’ve seen inequitable treatment in my family and my husband’s family. I am not on good terms with my sibling and my husband is not on good terms with one of his siblings — and the root of this is unequal treatment under the guise of “this person makes less money then you and we need to somehow make things equal.” This thinking perpetuates jealousy and entitlement.

Crazy addiction issues means no inheritance. Why in the world would I leave my hard earned money to an addict to literally blow. I could “blow” it myself on myself, or leave it to people that would use it wisely, not enrich drug dealers.

My assumption is that the money gets put in a trust with very tight restrictions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great way to ensure these siblings will never have a relationship

+1. Absent a SN diagnosis or crazy addiction issues, I can’t understand why a parent would not split their estate equally. I’ve seen inequitable treatment in my family and my husband’s family. I am not on good terms with my sibling and my husband is not on good terms with one of his siblings — and the root of this is unequal treatment under the guise of “this person makes less money then you and we need to somehow make things equal.” This thinking perpetuates jealousy and entitlement.

Crazy addiction issues means no inheritance. Why in the world would I leave my hard earned money to an addict to literally blow. I could “blow” it myself on myself, or leave it to people that would use it wisely, not enrich drug dealers.