As someone who's also been a "trailing" spouse, I know how you feel. Staying at home while DH went to work day after day made me feel isolated, alienated, and depression. DH was very understanding, and we spent a lot of time together in the evenings and weekends. But it was not enough.

What ultimately resolved those feelings for me was transitioning to an in-person job. Once I had my own people, stories, and events, my depression went away.

If your current situation is not working out for you, is it possible to pay for childcare and switch to a job you have to go to everyday?

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

Inviting people to lunch is a great way to make new friends. (and you can invite them in a way that doesn't imply you will pay for them. ie, want to meet up for lunch sometime next week?)

Not a big deal. He eats what he wants for lunch, you eat what you want. Sounds like you want to go out for lunch but have no one besides him to go with. Find friends.

Anonymous wrote:If it's a financial problem, then I'd agree but if you can afford it and he's working hard and everything else is fine, maybe pick your battles.

He is entitled to what brings him joy. You married this man knowing full well he would never be a Brown Bagger. Learn from him that it is okay to do what you like.

I am a trailing spouse, I get the loneliness. How long have you been in your current place and how long do you think you'll be there? We are on the tail end in a place I never wanted to move to that I will be so sad to leave.

You're not going to win the lunch battle, but what if you reframe it for yourself? Instead of focusing on food - run an errand, take a walk, watch a trashy show for your lunch break and eat at your desk. I can have lunch with my kids at their elementary school - although that is 10:40am. Chat with a non-local friend and have a virtual lunch. I find it necessary to get out of the house every day.

Next, work on finding some friends. Say yes to any invites and extend your own. Your kid likes Larla at school? Get her mom's number and suggest meeting up at the park. Volunteer for PTA. Sign the kids up for soccer/swim lessons/gymnastics - strike up a conversation with the moms you start to see on a regular basis. Ask at the library if they have a book club. Take the kids for walks around the neighborhood and look for other kids.

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I'm not an extrovert by any means, but I've gone out of my comfort zone to extend and accept invites, but I have made some pretty solid friendships.

If it's a financial problem, then I'd agree but if you can afford it and he's working hard and everything else is fine, maybe pick your battles.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

So...make some friends? What is this -- you're first day at kindergarten and you don't know how to make friends??

In any case, this sounds like a money issue, in that he's spending money and you're not, and you resent that. Just start buying your own lunches. Buy dinner as well. Tell him to make lunch/dinner if he wants to start saving money.

Why do you describe yourself as a "trailing spouse"? You don't have to trail if you don't want to? Next time he has to move, you can just stay where you are, especially if you work from home anyway. Get your own identity that doesn't depend on him.

Tell me you don't value marriage without telling me you don't value marriage.

Eh. If you value family do you drag your spouse around, resettling the whole family every year? This society is based on male ego, not the needs of women and children.

A-MEN to this from another formerly trailing spouse. It's a great lifestyle until it isn't and then by that time it's become so normal that it's hard or impossible to make a change. And to the poster saying, just don't move, it doesn't really work that way. In my case, we didn't own a house in the US for 12 years. There was nowhere to "stay." And you don't get to decide you'd just like to "stay" where you're posted. And as "just a spouse," you've taken on everything to support the officer/employee and 1) everyone in your community expects that from you, and 2) over time, so does your spouse.

My spouse still resents me for agreeing to a 3 year tour so I could get my foot back in the door at work but the only way to do it was to spend another year in our posting.

OP, I get it. I think the issues here are much bigger than lunch once a week. And while I generally agree that one shouldn't expect their spouse to fulfill 100% of their social needs, there's also a space for recognizing that as the officer/employee you are going into a ready made professional and social sphere and that their spouse might need a little more support.

Is this your first time attached to an Embassy? Because usually the Embassy will have some outlets for socializing. Usually you just need to find that one person that will draw you into a social circle. Does your CLO put on events?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

So...make some friends? What is this -- you're first day at kindergarten and you don't know how to make friends??

In any case, this sounds like a money issue, in that he's spending money and you're not, and you resent that. Just start buying your own lunches. Buy dinner as well. Tell him to make lunch/dinner if he wants to start saving money.

Why do you describe yourself as a "trailing spouse"? You don't have to trail if you don't want to? Next time he has to move, you can just stay where you are, especially if you work from home anyway. Get your own identity that doesn't depend on him.

Tell me you don't value marriage without telling me you don't value marriage.

Eh. If you value family do you drag your spouse around, resettling the whole family every year? This society is based on male ego, not the needs of women and children.