Anonymous wrote:My FIL has mini strokes regularly. Some are more serious than others. My husband can’t fly to CA every time it happens.

When you are long distance from your parents and there is a local sibling, a wait and see approach is often what you have to take.

This. I’m 10 hours of travel from my mom, who has events like these. I have three siblings who are local to her. Over the years, these siblings have enjoyed a much closer relationship with my parents, including a lot of help that have gone without. I know her health has been more of a burden to them. I also know they have been more of a burden to her. This is just the way of families sometimes.

Sad thread.
Every person deserves family in their testing days.

Nobody that old is worth making that kind of sacrifice for. Sorry.

OP, is your mother-in-law still sane enough to make changes to her will? If so, you and your husband should try to persuade her to completely cut your brother-in-law from her will. Also, you and your husband should cut him out of your lives and tell him that he's on his own if he needs anything from either of you in the future. Block his phone number, email, and any other form of communication with him. In short, your husband should tell him something along the lines of "If you don't want the responsibility of being part of this family, you can also forfeit the privileges of being part of this family. And as far as I'm concerned, you aren't longer part of the family anymore."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What bs. My mom is many years older than this and still lives independently.

Well, if living longer than you're supposed to isn't inconveniencing anyone, that's fine. But it makes no sense for someone too young to die to make sacrifices for someone who should already be dead, which seems to be what the OP expects her brother-in-law to do.

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What bs. My mom is many years older than this and still lives independently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

Longer than anyone deserves to live? Wtf kind of thinking is that? How bizarre. Who are you to decide how long someone deserves to live?

I plan on being dead by 75, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 91-year-old to embrace death. Anyway, I think it's about time I reference quote from Natalie Babbitt's classic novel, Tuck Everlasting, spoken by the character Angus Tuck to Winnie Foster.

It's a wheel, Winnie. Everything's a wheel, turning and turning, never stopping. The frogs is part of it, and the bugs, and the fish, and the wood thrush, too. And people. But never the same ones. Always coming in new, always growing and changing, and always moving on. That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it is.

...

And everywhere around us, things is moving and growing and changing. You, for instance. A child now, but someday a woman. And after that, moving on to make room for the new children.

There's a good reason that this book is so popular and is mandatory reading at some point in most schools. And if you still have any doubt, look no further than the beginning of William Shakespeare's "All the World's a Stage."

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances

If this doesn't convince you or anyone else on this thread siding with the OP, I don't know what will.

I forgot to add that the OP's brother-in-law probably has the wisdom and maturity to let his mother go if he's acting by these quotes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

Longer than anyone deserves to live? Wtf kind of thinking is that? How bizarre. Who are you to decide how long someone deserves to live?

I plan on being dead by 75, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 91-year-old to embrace death. Anyway, I think it's about time I reference quote from Natalie Babbitt's classic novel, Tuck Everlasting, spoken by the character Angus Tuck to Winnie Foster.

It's a wheel, Winnie. Everything's a wheel, turning and turning, never stopping. The frogs is part of it, and the bugs, and the fish, and the wood thrush, too. And people. But never the same ones. Always coming in new, always growing and changing, and always moving on. That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it is.

...

And everywhere around us, things is moving and growing and changing. You, for instance. A child now, but someday a woman. And after that, moving on to make room for the new children.

There's a good reason that this book is so popular and is mandatory reading at some point in most schools. And if you still have any doubt, look no further than the beginning of William Shakespeare's "All the World's a Stage."

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances

If this doesn't convince you or anyone else on this thread siding with the OP, I don't know what will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

Longer than anyone deserves to live? Wtf kind of thinking is that? How bizarre. Who are you to decide how long someone deserves to live?

Anonymous wrote:It's not the drive. Once he gets there, he'll have to go through the hassle of finding a place to stay and live in unfamiliar surroundings. I can't say I blame him.

Why on earth did you feel the need to dig up this 6 month old thread just to add THAT???

Why do people seek out old threads that aren't relevant anymore????

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might make sense for him to come out in two days to relieve you. As long as one sibling is there, that's fine. But either he helps out on the second half, or takes the next one. Be specific about what your expectations are.

Don’t you think, like other posters stayed, even this should come from my husband?

Where would he stay if he comes out?

He can't stay at his mom's place, as assisted living facilities either don't allow overnight guests for any reason, or if they do, they require the registered person to be there at all times.

Are you going to put him up at your house?

Maybe not knowing is a concern for him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

*Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law recognizes that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't let the fact that she's his mother blind him from this understanding.

My father had a heart attack recently. Several siblings rushed out to help. I didn't. I have experienced sudden hospitalizations like that in my own immediate family, and the folks that rush in are sometimes in the way or acting on their own anxieties and not especially helpful. Seeing how things go and then supporting in with what is needed/wanted is sometimes a better approach, especially if others have already rushed in. People in crisis don't need a big crowd. But bigger than that, I have a teen in crisis and can't leave - and none of my siblings or parents know what is going on. So from the outside, it very much could look like I don't care or am not pitching in because they don't know that I simply can't. Their potential judgement is just something that I have to accept.

Even if it's perhaps too generous at times, I've found that giving people the benefit of the doubt - that they must have good reasons for their behavior - is a kind approach. Even if the brother-in-law is simply a selfish jerk, then why expect that would change if his mother is ill? Otherwise, there could be many very good reasons for his behavior that you just don't know about.

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?