Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need help, you can’t afford it!

So you agree with the reverse, correct? Parents who need help from their kids need to figure it out on their own? You would never help your parents? Because that is cold and not in line with my view of family.

This is an intentionally dense response. We are not talking about emergency situations, they are talking about children asking for financial help
To put them into a situation they would not otherwise be able to afford - SFH, private school, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for my wedding (they offered) and also offered to help with a down payment.

I would never ask.

+1

Parents offered to pay for wedding ($100k) and I said yes.

They offered for downpayment but we didn't need it.

They are generous with our kids.

I would never ask now as a married adult unless dire straits or an emergency.

I mean you already took $100K so....

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for my wedding (they offered) and also offered to help with a down payment.

I would never ask.

+1

Parents offered to pay for wedding ($100k) and I said yes.

They offered for downpayment but we didn't need it.

They are generous with our kids.

I would never ask now as a married adult unless dire straits or an emergency.

No, I wouldn't unless it was something like a medical expense. And I know my parents and ILs would give whatever they could if I needed it--they are both comfortable. Both DH and I had college and our wedding paid for so we were lucky to be saddled with debt going into our marriage. However, I can't say that my parents and ILs haven't helped us in ways that have allowed us to save enough to be able to buy what we need. My parents have a vacation home that we can use and MIL provided daycare for the kids when they were babies so those two things alone have saved us a lot over the years.

I also paid for my half of our first down payment with money I inherited from my grandparents. Otherwise, I don't know how I would have done it. So I don't look down on people who get help from their parents but I think there is a point where you need to cut the cord.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA, if you get $$ from your parent(s) TELL YOUR SIBLINGS. And parents, if you are giving $$ to one kid, make sure you offer the same amount to every child.

Uneven financial support is THE quickest and easiest way for to ruin sibling relationships.

I’ve watched it ruin once positive relationships between many sets of siblings. Including my husband’s.

If uneven financial assistance is a surefire path to strife among siblings, why would you disclose receipt of such help to your siblings?? It's your parents' money and they can do with it what they please; if that entails more (or exclusive) assistance to a struggling child, that's their choice. Parading the news around if you are the recipient is likely to cause the strife you suggest. Don't ask, don't tell!

DP. If the financial help is not disclosed, the other siblings will eventually find out anyway. People aren’t stupid and can do the math. Add alcohol and a few innocent questions at a family get together and you’ll find out. Has happened in my family and creates untold resentment. Parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it is not without consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need help, you can’t afford it!

So you agree with the reverse, correct? Parents who need help from their kids need to figure it out on their own? You would never help your parents? Because that is cold and not in line with my view of family.

Yes, I agree with the reverse. My parents worked hard, saved and retired. It’s not right to ask for money THEY earned. If my parents failed to plan for their future and sock money away, that’s on them. They nor I are not into the business of loaning money. That’s what banks are for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

This.

I’m d sell my house, get my family into a studio if necessary. My parents have done enough. I’d never ask.

Good for you. But, you'll be perennially in the worker bee class. Real wealth is generational wealth (Something we'll never have). I see my friends whose parents paid off homes, paid for vacations, paid for home repairs, paid for college . . . and it's why they are so much more ahead than we are. We pay for all those things ourselves. When they're investing their "Free money" we are paying off our home. I mean, that's great for them. But, I would not hesitate to turn down the offer of money if given. Sadly, it never will be.

Exactly. grandparents pay for down payments! It blows my mind how people do this when they don't make much money. Meanwhile DH and I work our tails off and are fine now, and hopefully our kids will be better off than us, but we have had zero help because our parents were not wealthy

You are really overestimating the number of people who benefit from this. WAY overestimating. Look at any data on generational wealth.

Anonymous wrote:PSA, if you get $$ from your parent(s) TELL YOUR SIBLINGS. And parents, if you are giving $$ to one kid, make sure you offer the same amount to every child.

Uneven financial support is THE quickest and easiest way for to ruin sibling relationships.

I’ve watched it ruin once positive relationships between many sets of siblings. Including my husband’s.

If uneven financial assistance is a surefire path to strife among siblings, why would you disclose receipt of such help to your siblings?? It's your parents' money and they can do with it what they please; if that entails more (or exclusive) assistance to a struggling child, that's their choice. Parading the news around if you are the recipient is likely to cause the strife you suggest. Don't ask, don't tell!

Yes but we would pay it back, and I shudder at things getting so bad that I'd need to take out a loan from my parents.

I did ask for help when we bought a home. My dad said he would pay for law school (it was a really cheap law school), but then he changed his mind and said that instead, I'd take out loans and he would help me with a future expense if needed. I called in the favor and he gave us 10K to get where we needed to be for proof of cash reserves.

I know they won't help my kids out of principle, which is obviously fine. they're good grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

This.

I’m d sell my house, get my family into a studio if necessary. My parents have done enough. I’d never ask.

Good for you. But, you'll be perennially in the worker bee class. Real wealth is generational wealth (Something we'll never have). I see my friends whose parents paid off homes, paid for vacations, paid for home repairs, paid for college . . . and it's why they are so much more ahead than we are. We pay for all those things ourselves. When they're investing their "Free money" we are paying off our home. I mean, that's great for them. But, I would not hesitate to turn down the offer of money if given. Sadly, it never will be.

Exactly. grandparents pay for down payments! It blows my mind how people do this when they don't make much money. Meanwhile DH and I work our tails off and are fine now, and hopefully our kids will be better off than us, but we have had zero help because our parents were not wealthy

Anonymous wrote:I mean any lump sum over $5,000 or monthly allotment nearing such.

For weddings, maybe childcare expenses, unplanned for home repairs, medical deductibles. Is it something you've gone to them before?

Nope because they don' have that kind of money. I support them

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for our wedding, gave us money for 2 down payments and help pay some of my kids' private school tuition every year. They also have set up significant 529 for my kids. I would not approach them for large purchases but mostly because we can afford our own expenses. They would gladly help us more but I would feel awkward asking. My ILs have not given us any help despite having the means.

Can you not afford those things?

You would feel awkward asking because theyve already given you money for basically anything that counts- wedding, housing DP, private school tuition and 529s. So all that money that would have gone to those items is now freed up for large purchases.

To answer the OP no. The only time was when I was unemployed right after graduating due to a weird issue with AmeriCorps that I was in for my last year of school and the security deposit for an apartment. All amounts were paid back and totaled less than 3k. When we bought a house they didnt even give us a housewarming gift or GC to Home Depot or anything. They wanted to throw a baby shower even though I 100% didn't want one and then said the shower was my gift.

It is both weird and demoralizing to realize all of the support other people get from their families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

You never asked or hinted at wedding help or 'oh we'd love this $3,000 set from pottery barn' or complained about daycare expenses for so long they gave in?

I find the American passive-aggressive attitude to get around 'norms' and not admit you've asked for help annoying. You either got the help by asking or whining.

Nope. I am 45 and have not asked my parents for money since college. They did give us money to help pay for our wedding, but did not pay for all of it. They never gave us money for down payment or childcare expenses.

Now I will say my husband and I have jobs that pay well, we live well within our means, only buy/spend what we can afford, save aggressively and have a substantial emergency fund.

I also think there is a big difference between people who need financial help due to big life event (losing a job, divorce, death of spouse, medial issue) versus people who live above their means, make poor financial choice, or just feel entitled to their parents money so they can have things they can't afford on their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

This.

I’m d sell my house, get my family into a studio if necessary. My parents have done enough. I’d never ask.

Good for you. But, you'll be perennially in the worker bee class. Real wealth is generational wealth (Something we'll never have). I see my friends whose parents paid off homes, paid for vacations, paid for home repairs, paid for college . . . and it's why they are so much more ahead than we are. We pay for all those things ourselves. When they're investing their "Free money" we are paying off our home. I mean, that's great for them. But, I would not hesitate to turn down the offer of money if given. Sadly, it never will be.

+1

I was so proud to finally get to the $50k mark in my kids’ 529s - DH worked hard for that. My sister and her husband got their kids’ 529 funded for $150 from his parents. For EACH child. The parents also pay tuition and for incredible family vacations all over the world.

Not only will DH and spend on our money for kids college - we’ll never be able to afford the kind of college, let alone vacations, my sister and her family have access to.

Anonymous wrote:If you need help, you can’t afford it!

So you agree with the reverse, correct? Parents who need help from their kids need to figure it out on their own? You would never help your parents? Because that is cold and not in line with my view of family.