Anonymous
03/11/2022 21:47
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither, OP. Neither.
...I can also talk from experience on stepparenting, as I too got a stepdaughter from this marriage. It has been HARD. Hard. Really really hard. Disagreements over how to handle some crises (DH wanted to ignore them, which led to escalating problems resulting in SD’s heroin addiction and alter incarceration) led to a gulf between us that will likely never be repaired. Read the book “Stepmonster” and consider it the best case scenario.
Also remember that his child’s mother will be part of your life forever, and a huge impact on your life for at least another 12-15 years. Are you signing up for that?
This. If you have a choice, do NOT choose the person who has children especially when you don't and want your own.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you try to step back, no matter what ... you will always, always, always have the "stink" of stepmom on you.
Even when they get older, even when they have kids of their own, even when it comes to caring for their elderly parent. You will never truly be a part of your spouses' life because they will always have that part that cannot and will not ever be part of yours.
This was not my experience as a stepmom at all (I'm divorced and he's an adult now). There was no "stink" of being a stepmom. We had a great relationship when he was younger, but I also didn't interfere w/the choices his parents made for him. At the end of the day, I wasn't his mother. He had a mother and she did a great job raising him as his primary caregiver.
Anonymous
03/11/2022 21:39
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Sounds like with the second guy you have peace. Choose him if you feel a choice needs to be made. Also, while therapy is important, it's not a cure-all. You could go through therapy w/the ex and he could still be a hot mess. Has he had any individual therapy? Because it seems to me that after all that time of being apart he had ample opportunity to get himself together. Instead it seems he's wasted time and has come up with this, "let's fix US!" solution. Choose the first guy.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 16:51
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I know life isn’t a movie. I’m going through a real life Notebooks situation right now having to choose between two men who love and want to marry me. I was with my ex for 3 years. My ex, is just like Noah and so was our relationship - a lot of ups and downs and the fighting but with a lot of love too. I was crazy about him, however, I just couldn’t take the fighting anymore, so I blocked him everywhere and decided to finally move on. I met someone a little older who is so incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and mature. It wasn’t a knock you off your feet start like it was with my ex, which was fine because I wanted and needed a slow burn. Last week mailed me a letter saying how much he loves and misses me, wants to get couples therapy, and marry me. Up until this point I had always thought if I heard from him again I’d tell him I’m with someone now and wish him well. Instead, his letter brought up a lot of feelings for me.
My new significant other is just like Lon - he’s older, a little more quiet, likes to stay in more in, brilliant (ex not that smart), incredibly kind, and I can see him bringing me peace. I can also see myself getting bored with him sometimes as he admitted himself that he’s not exciting. I think I can be okay with that but know I’ll have to push him to be more adventurous every once in a while. The other negative is he has a 7 year old daughter. There’s absolutely nothing wrong partners who have children I just never wanted to be with someone who had kids. I don’t have any of my own and would like some in the future but I was never keen on being someone’s stepmom. I liked it partner enough in the beginning to date him knowing he had a daughter. I’m scared of being a stepmom because I’ve never been a mom and I’m worried it’ll mess with our relationship too since I have no clue what I’m doing. Forgot to mention, he and I have been together for a year.
Sorry for all the typos - I’m typing this on my phone in my Uber ride.
I love both men. They’re so different from one another and I see things that I love about both of them. Just like everyone, both men have negatives. My ex has more negatives that my current SO but he wants to work through his issues. Both men want to marry me so, I know whoever I chose there’s no going back. Logically my SO makes so much more sense but my ex still has a piece of my heart. I’ve been crying for days because I hate feeling so torn. I’ll be upset losing either one to be honest and I also don’t want hurt one of them either.
Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do?
This isn't the Notebook, it's just trying to rationalize settling with one v. the other. Don't settle, OP, you can do better.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 15:52
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
I haven’t met his kid yet because she lives in a different state. He got offered a job out here about 8 months ago that offered him a lot more money, so he moved out here. He and his ex wife decided it would be best for their child to finish out the school year then move out here to all be closer together. He flies out twice a month to see her.
OMG, really OP? Are you dense? This guy is not divorced. I don't care what any legal piece of paper says he is not divorced from his wife. The two of them are making decisions as a couple on where the wife (and child) will live so they will "all be closer together." I understand that people need to cooperate to coparent, but the way you phrase/present it makes it seem far beyond the norm.
I hope you are ready to meet not only his child, but his so-called ex-wife who will probably be enmeshed in his life once they are geographically "all closer together" again.
This, totally this!! Especially if he is military, law enforcement or intelligence.
OP—time to pay for an extensive background check on this guy. I’d bet money that they won’t find a divorce decree.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 15:44
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t been in your exact situation, but…something I learned is that if you aren’t married and need couples therapy, just bail. It’s one thing if you’re married and have a lot to lose. But dating is for finding someone you’re compatible with, not for wasting years trying to make it work with someone who it probably won’t work with.
this, actually went to a therapist twice with a boyfriend of 3 years (we were both in our early 30s). So pointless. I made up my mind to leave without any input or revelation from therapy. Best decision and now married to an actual grown up.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 15:43
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
I haven’t met his kid yet because she lives in a different state. He got offered a job out here about 8 months ago that offered him a lot more money, so he moved out here. He and his ex wife decided it would be best for their child to finish out the school year then move out here to all be closer together. He flies out twice a month to see her.
OMG, really OP? Are you dense? This guy is not divorced. I don't care what any legal piece of paper says he is not divorced from his wife. The two of them are making decisions as a couple on where the wife (and child) will live so they will "all be closer together." I understand that people need to cooperate to coparent, but the way you phrase/present it makes it seem far beyond the norm.
I hope you are ready to meet not only his child, but his so-called ex-wife who will probably be enmeshed in his life once they are geographically "all closer together" again.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:39
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
OP needs to talk to a therapist about why she's still hung up on the ex whose behavior has been demonstrably toxic. I also hope new guy isn't actually close to wanting to marry her without having yet introduced his child to her.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:32
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
PP here,
You sound bitter. If they’ve known each other for a year, he’s older, and he has kid to think about he wouldn’t be wasting his time on someone that isn’t a serious contender.
I’m married with 3 kids and not bitter. I just love the Notebook and the fact that OP is considering her situation a real life Notebook situation is laughable.
If she just posted the dilemma, it would be like any other relationship post.
Sorry, you’re right. You’re not bitter you just have a stick up your a$$. She already said knows life isn’t like a movie. She simply torn between an old love that was tumultuous and new love that is seemingly the better fit. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
She gets a letter from an ex and has a boyfriend whose daughter she hasn’t even met. Do you really think she is close to really marrying either one?
I’m just calling a spade a spade.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:15
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
PP here,
You sound bitter. If they’ve known each other for a year, he’s older, and he has kid to think about he wouldn’t be wasting his time on someone that isn’t a serious contender.
I’m married with 3 kids and not bitter. I just love the Notebook and the fact that OP is considering her situation a real life Notebook situation is laughable.
If she just posted the dilemma, it would be like any other relationship post.
Sorry, you’re right. You’re not bitter you just have a stick up your a$$. She already said knows life isn’t like a movie. She simply torn between an old love that was tumultuous and new love that is seemingly the better fit. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:12
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
I haven’t met his kid yet because she lives in a different state. He got offered a job out here about 8 months ago that offered him a lot more money, so he moved out here. He and his ex wife decided it would be best for their child to finish out the school year then move out here to all be closer together. He flies out twice a month to see her.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:12
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
PP here,
You sound bitter. If they’ve known each other for a year, he’s older, and he has kid to think about he wouldn’t be wasting his time on someone that isn’t a serious contender.
I’m married with 3 kids and not bitter. I just love the Notebook and the fact that OP is considering her situation a real life Notebook situation is laughable.
If she just posted the dilemma, it would be like any other relationship post.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:04
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised no one has asked you this - have you even met his daughter yet? I didn’t let my children meet my new SO until we had been dating seriously for a year.
I haven’t. We met a year ago but have been dating officially for 6 months.
This whole situation is laughable. I love the Notebook and for OP to say her situation is like the Notebook is silly.
You haven’t even met your boyfriend’s daughter and only dating 6 months. OP is delusional thinking both of these men want to marry her.
PP here,
You sound bitter. If they’ve known each other for a year, he’s older, and he has kid to think about he wouldn’t be wasting his time on someone that isn’t a serious contender.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 13:00
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
I can't tell you if this new bf is The One for you. But just remember you are not choosing ONLY between these 2 men. You are rejecting your ex because a hot/cold relationship does not work long term (this is clear, do not pick him). Then, you evaluate how you feel about your current bf. If you don't want to marry him, move on again to SOMEONE ELSE. Not to the ex.
Anonymous
03/08/2022 12:58
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Has OP come back to say how old she is?
I’m 30
DP. So really the issue is you’re feeling anxious to settle down and be married, even though neither of these guys are really a good fit.
Exactly. Give this more time.