ACOD here. The divorce was bad. Very destructive for the kids. But the marriage was too. Maybe things would have been just as messed up for the kids if our parents had stayed married, just in different ways or through different situations. The problem was the parents as people. I have no idea if this is what characterizes most failed marriages. Probably not.

But one thing I find really strange in pretty much every discussion on DCUM about divorce with kids is how people bring up "the holidays." For most people, there are maybe 2 or 3 holidays per year that really matter, right? I don't get why so many commenters think it's better for the parents and kids to suffer for 362 days per year just so they can spend 3 days per year all together -- suffering. Do you think the kids are like "I can't wait to wake up Christmas morning so I can listen to mom and dad fight about such and such again"? You don't think the kids would rather have a pleasant Christmas with one parent this year and a pleasant Christmas with the other parent next year? Or Christmas with each parent every year, just that one takes place on Christmas and one takes place a few days before or after? I think split holidays are a problem only when the parents make them a problem by fighting over them and guilting the kids about which parent they spend it with.

Been divorced for a couple years after infidelity and I don't regret the divorce because it was absolute hell in the end. We're in a different place now and are able to discuss a lot of things that happened throughout our decade + marriage, I regret that we didn't have these conversations many many years ago but perhaps we were just incapable at the time because emotions were so high. I also believe things happen as they should so there's that.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not divorced or a child of divorce but I’m loving the crazy lady with. two. houses. that. are. the. same! Two houses! Identical! The children eat the same breakfasts in both houses and there is definitely nothing pathological about the level of control one parent needs in this totally! fine! childhood!

And then after the divorce, we moved to Camazotz- the wrinkle in time planet! Everything was great!

Anonymous wrote:I’m not divorced or a child of divorce but I’m loving the crazy lady with. two. houses. that. are. the. same! Two houses! Identical! The children eat the same breakfasts in both houses and there is definitely nothing pathological about the level of control one parent needs in this totally! fine! childhood!

Yes, we eat the same food in different houses. That should not be a surprise. You make no sense. You act like there is complete chaos in a divorce…um, no. They like the same food wherever they go…like ALL kids. People can maintain stability in a divorce. I do not know why there is such hostility to keeping stability and similar environments for kids—oh, maybe you would not be capable of that—financially or otherwise.

Btw: I know two other couples with very similar divorces. Everyone is doing well—and it has been years.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.

Do you know how to read because I said if they complain AS ADULTS I will say that! But they won’t: they are fine. They know that their childhood is infinitely better than mine ever was and they have nothing to complain about.

well, yes it is perfectly clear you have no problem being rude and dismissive to adults. Don’t worry- message received! Adult children also won’t respond well to that and no if you will refer to your text you said “if in the future” not “If when they are adults’
Hopefully they will be able to afford their own therapy as adults and will not be talking to you about it.

Divorce is not like many other traumatic things. Especially an amicable one. Get off your high and mighty inaccurate horse.

Your kids won’t need therapy because of the divorce. Many kids are fine after a divorce. The therapy will be because of your resentment that their childhood is better than yours and so they can’t say anything.

I don’t resent it. It is a fact. They know. They have met my parents. It’s obvious.

I’m not divorced or a child of divorce but I’m loving the crazy lady with. two. houses. that. are. the. same! Two houses! Identical! The children eat the same breakfasts in both houses and there is definitely nothing pathological about the level of control one parent needs in this totally! fine! childhood!

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Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

What the hell is wrong with you? Kids thrive better in happy homes, be it one or two. Some couples need to divorce and children can be fine. You are nuts.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.

Do you know how to read because I said if they complain AS ADULTS I will say that! But they won’t: they are fine. They know that their childhood is infinitely better than mine ever was and they have nothing to complain about.

well, yes it is perfectly clear you have no problem being rude and dismissive to adults. Don’t worry- message received! Adult children also won’t respond well to that and no if you will refer to your text you said “if in the future” not “If when they are adults’
Hopefully they will be able to afford their own therapy as adults and will not be talking to you about it.

Divorce is not like many other traumatic things. Especially an amicable one. Get off your high and mighty inaccurate horse.

Your kids won’t need therapy because of the divorce. Many kids are fine after a divorce. The therapy will be because of your resentment that their childhood is better than yours and so they can’t say anything.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.

Do you know how to read because I said if they complain AS ADULTS I will say that! But they won’t: they are fine. They know that their childhood is infinitely better than mine ever was and they have nothing to complain about.

well, yes it is perfectly clear you have no problem being rude and dismissive to adults. Don’t worry- message received! Adult children also won’t respond well to that and no if you will refer to your text you said “if in the future” not “If when they are adults’
Hopefully they will be able to afford their own therapy as adults and will not be talking to you about it.

Divorce is not like many other traumatic things. Especially an amicable one. Get off your high and mighty inaccurate horse.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.

Do you know how to read because I said if they complain AS ADULTS I will say that! But they won’t: they are fine. They know that their childhood is infinitely better than mine ever was and they have nothing to complain about.

well, yes it is perfectly clear you have no problem being rude and dismissive to adults. Don’t worry- message received! Adult children also won’t respond well to that and no if you will refer to your text you said “if in the future” not “If when they are adults’
Hopefully they will be able to afford their own therapy as adults and will not be talking to you about it.

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Anonymous wrote:I never really get it when divorced people insist that everything is the same and everything is fine. I think that's re-traumatizing and it's better to acknowledge the loss. If you think your ex won't date or re-marry, how do you ever really know that? What are you going to do about it if he does? If the two homes are the same, how do you keep them the same? It's just this weird insistence that everything is fine and they know it is and they know for sure and they KNOW THEY KNOW THEY KNOW IT WILL ALL BE FINE FOREVER!

Can't we just admit that some divorces are the right choice in the long run but it's still pretty difficult?

My neighbor lives 3 streets away from where she used to live. The kids seem happy. It's really not a big deal.

To add on, it was hard for them the first two years but now they just pick where they want to go and see both parents regularly. The parents work around the kids schedules.

I love how two years of difficulty are not a big deal according to you. This is their childhood and it matters, you can't get that time back.

Having to pick is a burden in its own way, and seeing parents "regularly" is not the same thing as living with your family.

The dad decided he was gay. It is what it is. I think the kids are pretty well adjusted and they get along with both parents are successful in school and have many friends. Life happens. You can't control everything. Do you think this couple should have just stayed married? You'd prefer a married couple where the husband is an alcoholic? That happens a lot. I think it scars the kids but life scars people. I'm not making light of it, but it also isn't a death sentence. I've actually seen the kids mature well as a result of watching their parents act respectfully.

I don't think people have to stay married if they really don't want to, but I think it's really unhealthy to pretend that nothing important was lost or that the two houses thing isn't burdensome. Divorce exchanges one set of problems for another, and we don't have to pretend away the second set of problems to prove it was the right decision. The weird PP who insists that the "extra" house is exactly the same and the kids have lost literally nothing is really strange to me. Just get divorced, own your choice and acknowledge the consequences, and it's okay.

You are completely missing the point: that parents can mitigate any severely negative consequences if they have enough money, live close, and can coparent well. Does not have to be an epic disaster, which most readers here refuse to even consider.

Anonymous wrote:Dude it's not an "extra" house! It's an alternative house that your children are REQUIRED to leave their first house and switch to, whether they want to or not. It's not like a happy family that also owns a place by the ocean! Your children have the BURDEN of switching houses and no matter how weirdly you coerce your ex into maintaining sameness of home and routines, it's not the same house! If you let them choose, they have the BURDEN of choosing between their parents. If you make them have a schedule, they have the BURDEN of moving. I'm not saying this isn't better than your apparently bizarrely awful marriage. But this isn't good and it isn't the same as having a house and an extra house.

Have you ever met an adult who lived in two identical homes? No, because that's a real pain and very weird. Yet that's what your children are doing and you're insisting that it's totally fine. Would you want to live that way? I doubt it.

I would have vastly preferred my kid’s childhood than mine with parents in a very bad marriage and moving every 3 years and having completely absentee parents who stayed in an awful marriage. My kids have a great childhood—their parents are both involved and have separate residences. They love having both houses. It is not awful at all. Not your norm, but not awful.

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Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

Nothing is different in the house at all between marriage and divorce. Imagine living separate lives being married. That is how it was. It was never any different. I don't agree with time lost. I work. I see them as much as before.

You are still seeming rather crazy to me. Do your children not go to their father's house?

OMG. There are two houses. 50/50. We see the kids just as much. The same as before--separately. Same in marriage. Same in divorce. One change: an extra house. EVERYTHING else is exactly the same. (literally, I set up both houses exactly the same. same routines...only difference is where parents sleep...I have a house rather than a guest room, which I had since before second was even born). Everyone assumes all marriages are some lovey dovey fairytale so every divorce must be a horrible disaster. Not. My marriage was a legal contract and nothing more. My divorce is a lack of a legal contract and nothing more.

Okay, but they still have the burden of schlepping back and forth, right? How do you see them equally as much as before if you only have 50%? Are you at the father's house during the day on weekends? How do you plan to ensure he does not remarry ever?

It seems really weird and unhealthy that you have enough control over your ex to make him set up his house the same and keep the same routines. You seem very weird and are definitely not convincing anyone that all is well in your family.

There is no control. He kept the house and kept the same routines. He is lazy. It’s easier.
There is minimal inconvenience going back and forth but hardly a burden. That is ridiculous.
We are flexible with time. Officially 50/50 but we are not super strict about it. I see them about the same as before.
No one is ensuring anyone won’t remarry but neither of us want to or see the point. There would be a prenup if it happens…very very unlikely though.
Sorry you can’t understand that we purposefully did our doc or to have minimal impact on kids. There is not much difference in their lives despite what you might assume.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.

Do you know how to read because I said if they complain AS ADULTS I will say that! But they won’t: they are fine. They know that their childhood is infinitely better than mine ever was and they have nothing to complain about.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

Cry me a river PP
Cry me a river.

I personally have no issue with you divorcing. What you need to understand is your attitude toward your kids voicing concern will hurt them. Because the words cry me a river are dismissive and rude.