Anonymous wrote:Does your mom inquire about your personal or profession life? My mom has never done this. Unless I interrupt her and offer information about my life, she just carries on about my siblings, her work drama or our dysfunctional extended family without responding to what I had shared.. She will ask how my kids are but usually directs to conversation back to comparison about my siblings two kids. It’s always been this way, but as she’s gotten older it’s very obvious.

By the way my mother is a therapist and is very inquisitive with other peoples lives. When she visits she spends her time on the phone or online with people seeking her advice so I know she has the capacity.

She sounds narcissistic and like she has poor boundaries. She likely gets a hit of narc supply in giving advice and feeling superior. If she compares her kids and grandkids, best for her to know little. Her narc behavior is not the same as genuine interest. Grieve the mothering you never got and never will. The book Mother Hunger may be helpful. You need to let the scales fall from your eyes, she has NO genuine capacity for a mutual supportive relationship.

Anonymous wrote:My mom asks how I'm going all the time but she doesn't really listen to the response and will misinterpret anything I say so it's not really a rewarding exchange.

Anything I say to my mom gets filtered through a bunch of layers of her own issues so by the time she's processing it, it has very little to do with me.

I increasingly feel that no one should have kids until they have learned to manage their own issues, past traumas, and moderate their own emotions. You don't have to have it all sorted out, but you need to have tools for it. Otherwise you just use your kids as vessels for processing your own BS and it's miserable for them. I don't really even know what it would feel like to have either of my parents see me asa separate person with my own sh!t going on rather than a reflection of some aspect of their own lives.

This was my childhood, plus my mother favored my elder brother 1000x over me including never saying a word to him about the way he bullied and even beat me up from early childhood into our early teen years - basically until he went away to join the military.

When I was 30 I finally estranged from my parents and brother - I got tired of the endless bullying and abuse from father and brother, and from my mother a different kind of abuse in condoning theirs and expecting me to take it with a smile and keep showing up for her. And I definitely WAS a good daughter until then, I did much more for my mother than her men ever did but she barely acknowledged it until it was gone.

After I estranged she wrote me a couple of letters, long litanies of complaints about my shortcomings and then asking me to get back in touch. Never once asked me how I was or expressed any concerns about my well being.

Meanwhile after I estranged from her she wrote letters to other family members telling them I’d always been an impossible child who made her life a misery - none of them believed it because before the estrangement she would brag about my accomplishments (4 university degrees and professional success - like many abused kids, I overcompensated big time) and take credit for them as though they happened because of my upbringing and not in spite of it.

Narcissistic mothers are the worst kind, and cause damage to their kids that really cannot be entirely repaired no matter how much therapy and adult accomplishments.

Haven’t read through the replies but this sounds like classic narcissist behavior. I’m sorry OP. It really sucks!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

My FIL was like this. He called every Sunday night and talked and talked about himself, my MIL, my SIL, then said "How ya doin', good?" and moved on before I could say anything. He didn't want to talk to DH, just to me to tell me all about himself and other people, some of whom I'd never met. After a while I stopped answering the phone or calling him back. He's since passed away, and I don't think he ever knew or cared to know anything real about me, which made me sad. I know he loved my DH, and maybe even me, but his manner of "communication" was very strange and distant. Sometimes I, like you, tried to tell him about something going on with my job or the kids, and he'd listen, then immediately change the subject without responding to what I said. I might have been talking to myself alone in a room.

At least you got a “how ya doin”—even if it was a statement, not a question.
Because that means he noticed there is a “you.” I don’t recall my parents or ILs ever saying this token phrase to me: I just listen as they talk on and on about thrmselves.

Anonymous wrote:I came across this thread while searching for answers as to why my mom doesn’t ask how I’m doing. That was literally my google search as I’m recovering from breast cancer surgery! She’s mad at me for God knows why, hasn’t asked me how I am, she hasn’t called or texted. She’s off on a trip with her BF. I shared with her that I am also struggling with EDH drama and 3 sad kiddos, nothing. This has been her pattern my whole life, and I just assumed I was unlovable and an overall bad person, bc how could I be ok if my own mother doesn’t prioritize my needs, is always upset and is disappointed with me? I’m in therapy now which of course upsets her, reading this thread is such a relief to know it’s not me!

I’m so sorry. I went through something similar recently too and my parents didn’t communicate with me while I was in treatment. I heard that my father was making fun of me to his friends for having “fake cancer”. Apparently to these boomers it’s only cancer if you die three months later.

Take care of yourself and I hope you have a good support system.

That’s exactly how my own mother and MIL both are. They are only interested in talking about themselves and the topics that interest them. They never ask about me or partner. My own mother sometimes asks about my children but not MIL.

I don’t let them occupy too much of my brain space, either. Selfish is selfish and it’s their choice to be like that.

I came across this thread while searching for answers as to why my mom doesn’t ask how I’m doing. That was literally my google search as I’m recovering from breast cancer surgery! She’s mad at me for God knows why, hasn’t asked me how I am, she hasn’t called or texted. She’s off on a trip with her BF. I shared with her that I am also struggling with EDH drama and 3 sad kiddos, nothing. This has been her pattern my whole life, and I just assumed I was unlovable and an overall bad person, bc how could I be ok if my own mother doesn’t prioritize my needs, is always upset and is disappointed with me? I’m in therapy now which of course upsets her, reading this thread is such a relief to know it’s not me!

I told my mom how I feel, I was the bad guy, but she said…”new year, new ways”…..absolutely nothing has changed. She expects a full report, but never shares a personal story or event of her day. I am exhausted by this and call and check in to avoid guilt. But it still feels like crap. I walk into her home with my kids and it’s literally uncomfortable. But they are always trying to serve us and then busily do dishes so there doesn’t have to be any real engagement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a generational thing where they expect kids to call- I think it’s their interpretation of showing respect for elders. I think they also get more selfish as they age and truly do not care how their kids are doing. I’ve accepted it and am building caring and reciprocal relationships with other people in my life to replace it.

I can't imagine ever feeling this way about my adult children.
I want to know everything about my children's lives, and can't wait to talk with them. I tell them very little about my life unless I feel it's necessary to balance the conversation or unless they ask. They are still in their late teens/earlly 20s, so maybe they will start expressing more interest in my life as they get older, but for now, I mostly listen to them. If I ask how things are going, and their answer is "fine," then I fill in the empty space with a little news about me, hoping they will reciprocate with news about what they are thinking and feeling, but if they don't want to share, then I don't push it.
I'm so sorry, PP. I truly do not understand parents who treat their children this way. I pray I never become selfish as I get older. I'm looking forward to having grandchildren someday, and I want to be welcome in my children's and grandchildren's lives.

You sound like a good parent. Unfortunately, not all of us have parents like you. I'm not the PP you quoted, but I pretty firmly believe my mom does not care how I am doing. Or her grandchild to be honest. If she does, she has a funny way of showing it. I've had to beg her to spend time with my DD and suggested 1x a month she do something with her and she can't even find time in her "busy" schedule for that. It's sad.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a generational thing where they expect kids to call- I think it’s their interpretation of showing respect for elders. I think they also get more selfish as they age and truly do not care how their kids are doing. I’ve accepted it and am building caring and reciprocal relationships with other people in my life to replace it.

I can't imagine ever feeling this way about my adult children.
I want to know everything about my children's lives, and can't wait to talk with them. I tell them very little about my life unless I feel it's necessary to balance the conversation or unless they ask. They are still in their late teens/earlly 20s, so maybe they will start expressing more interest in my life as they get older, but for now, I mostly listen to them. If I ask how things are going, and their answer is "fine," then I fill in the empty space with a little news about me, hoping they will reciprocate with news about what they are thinking and feeling, but if they don't want to share, then I don't push it.
I'm so sorry, PP. I truly do not understand parents who treat their children this way. I pray I never become selfish as I get older. I'm looking forward to having grandchildren someday, and I want to be welcome in my children's and grandchildren's lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

My FIL was like this. He called every Sunday night and talked and talked about himself, my MIL, my SIL, then said "How ya doin', good?" and moved on before I could say anything. He didn't want to talk to DH, just to me to tell me all about himself and other people, some of whom I'd never met. After a while I stopped answering the phone or calling him back. He's since passed away, and I don't think he ever knew or cared to know anything real about me, which made me sad. I know he loved my DH, and maybe even me, but his manner of "communication" was very strange and distant. Sometimes I, like you, tried to tell him about something going on with my job or the kids, and he'd listen, then immediately change the subject without responding to what I said. I might have been talking to myself alone in a room.

This is my mom 100%. I know intimate details about people in her life like her coworkers that I've never met, yet I know she couldn't tell you the name of the company I work for (and have for a decade). Or the school my DD attends. Or the names of friends I've had for 20+ years. Once I realized this, I was done with her and stopped answering her calls or calling her. She never ever calls me and refuses to text (she's not even that old). She only knows what's going on based off of what I post on social media (which isn't much) and the 5 or so times a year I see her. She also lives 15 minutes away.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

My FIL was like this. He called every Sunday night and talked and talked about himself, my MIL, my SIL, then said "How ya doin', good?" and moved on before I could say anything. He didn't want to talk to DH, just to me to tell me all about himself and other people, some of whom I'd never met. After a while I stopped answering the phone or calling him back. He's since passed away, and I don't think he ever knew or cared to know anything real about me, which made me sad. I know he loved my DH, and maybe even me, but his manner of "communication" was very strange and distant. Sometimes I, like you, tried to tell him about something going on with my job or the kids, and he'd listen, then immediately change the subject without responding to what I said. I might have been talking to myself alone in a room.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine has gotten weirder on phone calls as she’s gotten older. Will just go on and on in a monologue about her life, talk at length about my sister’s family and in-laws, and then might eventually ask if I have any news, but will often interrupt with a new completely random thought before I can finish two sentences. It’s really annoying. Now I just sit there silently and let her talk and say “nothing to report here!”

This. We must have the same mother!

My mom is like this too but then gets horrifically offended if she finds out I told something important about my life first. It’s a lose-lose game in that she doesn’t ask how I’m doing but if I try to express how her lack of interest in my life is hurtful she gets imature and snarky about how she’s such a “terrible mother” but then gets butt-hurt if I talk to my aunt or someone else besides her.

We must all have the same mother, because yes! She's like "why didn't you tell ME?" "um, because you don't call me?" God forbid I actually say that too...

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn’t even ask how I was doing when she found out from my kids that their father and I separated. Needless to say, I am prioritizing my own mental health and not talking to her.

My mom was offended that I didn't initially tell her about my miscarriage. And then went on and on about how much she wanted to be a grandma and didn't ask anything about me. Honestly, looking back, that may have been the beginning of the end for me.

I think this is a generational thing where they expect kids to call- I think it’s their interpretation of showing respect for elders. I think they also get more selfish as they age and truly do not care how their kids are doing. I’ve accepted it and am building caring and reciprocal relationships with other people in my life to replace it.