I make exceptions for very strong flavors…too spicy, bitter, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I require her to try everything. If she absolutely flat-out refuses, I revisit it another time and don't create drama. But usually she will at least try a bite or two. Especially if I start eating some of the food in question! She likes to be like the adults.

OP here, it sounds like you are most like my relative.

How would you handle this circumstance: Large family gathering, 25 people, maybe 15 dishes on the table, some of which your kid likes and is familiar with, and some they either don't like or aren't familiar with.

Would you still expect them to try everything? Ask that the menu be paired down to not overwhelm them? Choose which things they try? Let them choose with parameters? Say "It's Christmas! We'll go back to the rules tomorrow?

PP here. No, in a Thanksgiving-style setting with that many dishes, I would not require trying every single thing. But would require them to try a variety. No plate full of just yeast rolls. And I also tend to be a bit "when in Rome" in other people's homes and adapt slightly to the way the host does it. For example, my SIL serves more snacks per day than I personally would, but I'm not going to forbid DD from eating with her cousins just for orthodoxy's sake.

I would never ask someone to modify a menu for my child's purposes (unless she had a serious allergy or something).

Darn,

I am really hoping to find someone who thinks what my relative does is reasonable, so I can ask them questions and maybe wrap my mind about what would work.

I don't try every single thing at TG. I pay no attention to what my kids eat at large family gatherings. I did when they were very small but now at 8 and 10 I think they can navigate the meal. One is a very hearty eater in all situations. The other does not really care for most of TG. She knows to eat a big lunch and waits for the pies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I require her to try everything. If she absolutely flat-out refuses, I revisit it another time and don't create drama. But usually she will at least try a bite or two. Especially if I start eating some of the food in question! She likes to be like the adults.

OP here, it sounds like you are most like my relative.

How would you handle this circumstance: Large family gathering, 25 people, maybe 15 dishes on the table, some of which your kid likes and is familiar with, and some they either don't like or aren't familiar with.

Would you still expect them to try everything? Ask that the menu be paired down to not overwhelm them? Choose which things they try? Let them choose with parameters? Say "It's Christmas! We'll go back to the rules tomorrow?

PP here. No, in a Thanksgiving-style setting with that many dishes, I would not require trying every single thing. But would require them to try a variety. No plate full of just yeast rolls. And I also tend to be a bit "when in Rome" in other people's homes and adapt slightly to the way the host does it. For example, my SIL serves more snacks per day than I personally would, but I'm not going to forbid DD from eating with her cousins just for orthodoxy's sake.

I would never ask someone to modify a menu for my child's purposes (unless she had a serious allergy or something).

Anonymous wrote:I require her to try everything. If she absolutely flat-out refuses, I revisit it another time and don't create drama. But usually she will at least try a bite or two. Especially if I start eating some of the food in question! She likes to be like the adults.

OP here, it sounds like you are most like my relative.

How would you handle this circumstance: Large family gathering, 25 people, maybe 15 dishes on the table, some of which your kid likes and is familiar with, and some they either don't like or aren't familiar with.

Would you still expect them to try everything? Ask that the menu be paired down to not overwhelm them? Choose which things they try? Let them choose with parameters? Say "It's Christmas! We'll go back to the rules tomorrow?

I require her to try everything. If she absolutely flat-out refuses, I revisit it another time and don't create drama. But usually she will at least try a bite or two. Especially if I start eating some of the food in question! She likes to be like the adults.

The amount of control people have to exert over food is WILD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After OP’s latest update, I don’t think the relative is as crazy as she initially came off. The way the food is served is an invitation for judgment and/or unwanted attention. The meat option is “passed down” by the head of the table person individually upon announcing their selection?? Seriously, everyone gets to sit and watch what each person one by one is putting on their plate? Why so much pressure?! Bizarre practice! I would hate this. Then again, I don’t like drawing attention to myself willingly, let alone attention being drawn to me through no fault of my own.

This was the way my WASP father served every dinner, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. Dad at the head of the table with a stack of plates, asking each person in turn "A slice of ham? Some potatoes? How about some beans?" and we would say yes or no and how much. It's very familiar to me!

The other way -- passing plates and bowls around the table -- was how we ate when we visited Mom's Italian side of the family.

Definitely not WASPs here. We eat the way you describe, the Italian way, unless it's something like a whole Turkey, which even carved up is hard to pass around. Then the person who is sitting by the platter just serves that thing. But yes, he's saying "Ham or beef? Is that enough?" Then everything else is passed around.

Anonymous wrote:After OP’s latest update, I don’t think the relative is as crazy as she initially came off. The way the food is served is an invitation for judgment and/or unwanted attention. The meat option is “passed down” by the head of the table person individually upon announcing their selection?? Seriously, everyone gets to sit and watch what each person one by one is putting on their plate? Why so much pressure?! Bizarre practice! I would hate this. Then again, I don’t like drawing attention to myself willingly, let alone attention being drawn to me through no fault of my own.

This was the way my WASP father served every dinner, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. Dad at the head of the table with a stack of plates, asking each person in turn "A slice of ham? Some potatoes? How about some beans?" and we would say yes or no and how much. It's very familiar to me!

The other way -- passing plates and bowls around the table -- was how we ate when we visited Mom's Italian side of the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

Np I always sat at the “kids table” during large family gatherings. I had the absolute best time with my cousins. We played lots of games and I really enjoyed eating with them. I have about 10 cousins my age. And when we all started having kids in our 30s, we started the youngest generation table. There’s nothing wrong with a kid table. I had to eat with my parents every night.

The kids aren't eating with their own parents, they're eating with grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, whoever they choose. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't do a kids' table. I would like to figure out a solution that doesn't take away the things my children like, whether those are certain foods, or sitting next to a relative they don't get to see very often.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

Np I always sat at the “kids table” during large family gatherings. I had the absolute best time with my cousins. We played lots of games and I really enjoyed eating with them. I have about 10 cousins my age. And when we all started having kids in our 30s, we started the youngest generation table. There’s nothing wrong with a kid table. I had to eat with my parents every night.

Anonymous wrote:Makes sense, OP. Maybe go with what a recent PP suggested and keep the meats in the kitchen and then pass around the sides. That way everyone isn't passing their plates to the head of the table to be served. Even in a galley kitchen people can make it work.

Our extended family never did a kids' table per se, but it was tradition that all the grandkids sat clustered down near Grandma and all the adults sat at Grandpa's end of the table. More than 2 dozen people, and it was a blast. Grandma loved all the giggles with her grandkids, and I know for a fact that the adult end of the room had more than a few dirty jokes and lots of alcohol flowing.

I'm not sure what problem that would solve? Are you thinking that if my relative has to make 3 people move their seats so she can walk with her kid to the kitchen and come back with a plate of just ham, it will be less embarrassing and so she'll be less likely to mind when her kids whine about the vegetables?

To be clear, no one is passing their plates up, unless they want seconds. Whoever is sitting near the platter asks each person "what do you want?" and then sends that plate down.

Our kids pick who they sit with. Usually no one sits with their own parents, unless they're under 2.

Anonymous wrote:Your relative is crazy.

You’re insane for indulging this. The way normal people handle holidays is to make sure to have a few options that the kids will eat and then cook an adult meal.

Also, even as an adult I often don’t eat every single dish at a holiday dinner. Maybe I only want mashed potatoes and skip the sweet potatoes this year. It’s perfectly fine. It’s bizarre to think that kids have to eat every single dish at a holiday spread.

Agree with this. We have relatives not quite this crazy, but very controlling about their kids’ food. And they allow zero snacks, not even healthy ones, which makes it awkward when I give my hungry kid a piece of fruit or something between meals.

Makes sense, OP. Maybe go with what a recent PP suggested and keep the meats in the kitchen and then pass around the sides. That way everyone isn't passing their plates to the head of the table to be served. Even in a galley kitchen people can make it work.

Our extended family never did a kids' table per se, but it was tradition that all the grandkids sat clustered down near Grandma and all the adults sat at Grandpa's end of the table. More than 2 dozen people, and it was a blast. Grandma loved all the giggles with her grandkids, and I know for a fact that the adult end of the room had more than a few dirty jokes and lots of alcohol flowing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, come back and update us. Have you talked to your sister since last week? What's the latest?

It's not my sister. I'm trying to figure out whether to float this idea of a buffet, to see if it might help. Before I do that, I need to have a sense of the logistics in a small space. I know other people pull it off, but I am having trouble picturing it in our particular space. So, I need a moment to figure that out. We've got some time, this is about Christmas, not Thanksgiving.

Do you have a kitchen counter or island you can clear? I do that. Otherwise you can set up a folding table for all the food.

We don't have an obvious space for this. The kitchen is smallish and galley style. There's not really room to set up a buffet there, definitely no island and not a lot of counter space.

We have a living room, a dining room and a sunroom. The dining room and sun room are basically wall to wall tables. The kind of set up where if someone in certain seats needs to go to the bathroom, then 2 or 3 people need to get up to let them out (obviously we choose carefully who sits there). We have people who act as runners who sit in the seats that have the most access, and people who sit in seats that have access because either they need the bathroom a lot or they have a very small child, but everyone else just stays put.

That doesn't mean we can't conceivably figure this out. But what we have always done works fine, except for this one issue. So, I kind of need to figure out if it would work as well, or close to as well if we did a buffet before I suggest it? I also need to figure out if it's even a solution. My relative isn't asking for a buffet. She's literally saying that since Christmas is "for the children" we should only serve food that her specific children like. I'm just wondering if, perhaps, the chance to plate her own children's food would reduce her angst. But I don't actually know that it would. So, before I suggest a buffet, I need to sort of visualize it better. Does that make sense?