Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

7:00pm? I NEVER get home anywhere near that early. And then I bring my laptop home to do more work.

Since he has to stay at work until 6pm why not give him more responsibility with the kids in the morning? If his bossfripes it would put him on the position to force him into a new job, the boss won't want him to leave because they won't be able to get another employee at such a low salary.

OP, you have to take some responsibility for decisions you made in full knowledge of his professional situation— kids and house. Getting mad after the fact when the facts on the ground were the same is irrational.

It is not too late to create joint bank accounts and you are completely right that he needs to know how much things cost, he could be an unpaid intern and I would still think it was shocking that he doesn’t contribute to the cost of the house he lives in.

But you need to talk to your husband, the way you should have before the house and DEFINITELY before kids about what your goals for your family are and what it takes to get there. DH and I decided we would both dial back our careers when we had a baby, and both took federal jobs in the years before. You can’t just have a baby and *then* think “oh but I want to be home to read to them every night”. You have got to get into the same page and be pulling in the same direction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you the one who started the thread in the jobs forum about the editor husband who wasn't earning enough and wasn't looking for a new job?

If so, what's going on with the job search? I see a lot of jobs for remote editors that pay either more or around the same as what he's earning now - is he open to not working in his particular field of interest, and just becoming a regular old editor?

I have pushed a few jobs his way. What have you seen specifically? Maybe I need to hone my searching skills.

The fact that you think the solution here is to find more job websites shows a real lack of maturity on your part. You have much bigger issues here to solve.

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Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

Sounds like you are living beyond your means. You can’t make it work with two kids on $130k? Do you live in Manhattan? We lived on $110k in a desirable DC hood in a nice apartment. Why did you buy a house knowing it would lock him into this job? I just have a hard time having sympathy for people who pretend they are trapped but they have made 1,000 bad choices. You bought a HOUSE, probably have multiple cars, and spend in other ways you shouldn’t and then act like a victim that you don’t get a break. You all make freakin’ $190k/year. That is PLENTY.

Our salaries need to be spread more evenly on the off chance that something happens to either one of our jobs. As for my HOUSE (as you put it) we are talking 1100 sq ft above grade, not some McMansion. We have one car. We take busses and metro to work. I guess my Netflix account is an extravagance to you. We also save for retirement. I’m sure that seems like a bad investment. We should spend every cent we make now.

How much did you spend on your home? Not sure why you’re making up excuses now. It’s fine if one partner makes more. Do either of you have a history of getting fired? This seems like extreme caution when the solution lays in front of you. You don’t want a solution. You want to be a martyr.

I’m not going to tell you exactly how much I spent on my home. We are not in a trendy area and it’s not a huge house, it’s not even a single family home, but homes cost what they cost.

What solution lays in front of me? I’m DYING to know.

Well, you can’t go back in time and not buy a house you can’t afford without both your salaries. That was a huge mistake. Your DH could stay home if you made a better financial decision there. As a PP pointed out, 7pm is a reasonable hour for him to do bedtime. If he refuses to leave a job with long hours, he can be “on” for an hour when he gets home too. With close to 200k/year you should have options unless you bought a house you can’t afford.

OP’s DH sounds like what mine was (is). Come home at 7pm/8pm only to eat and go back to work in office or do whatever he wants pretending to work.

This was us. Husband made 45!!
It was hard. He now makes double and I started to travel for work so he must adjust his hours.
It’s been hard.
Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you’re completely reasonable. Sorry if you addressed this earlier, but can you fit in a few sessions of solution focused marriage counseling? Because it seems to me that you are very clear on your needs.

I will say that the fewer hours argument is much stronger than the more money argument, and I would actually abandon the latter. Go with the fewer hours, with the rider that if he wants to change jobs to one with more hours you could see making it work for enough of a salary bump to allow more outsourcing.

But the real issue is the unequal domestic burden, not the financials.

Op this is excellent advice. Think about some clear discrete change that if it were to happen would put your marriage back on track. If you can find that ( this PP has great points) try a few hours of therapy. It could make things better.

That said I also agree with the posters that have said he probably won’t change. So I’d also be prepared for divorce. I’d start thinking about that. It will not be easier and there will be even less money but you will be a happier person and better parent for it. You don’t seem to respect this man, let alone love him (which is to some extent fair although he showed you who he was), and that is poison for you and your kids.

Teaching is long hours early on when you have to learn to do it effectively. Different story a decade in but that’s most of the young kid years.

Has your DH considered teaching? He probably would make about the same amount but he would get summers off and the hours would be so much better. Plus, he could advance. I think teachers in admin make more money. Benefits are probably better as well

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a shortage of teachers. What field did your spouse get his masters in?

What’s the point of going from one 65K job to another?

to be home earlier and have more time off.

Anonymous wrote:I got to page 5 and gave up.

OP - with variation i could be your story. He is not going to change. Ever.

Unless you can’t get over the bitter - time to move on. Do what it takes to divorce him.

I did and my kids were better off for a happier mom and not having a disengaged Dad around. (For him it was partly time available and partly pushing everything on me.). After he left he was clear that he wasn’t going to step up with his kids and took on a girlfriend who hung on his every word because that was the easy way for him to find success rather than trying to be a better husband, father and provider.

Think about yourself. Once u are a better u - that will be what is best for your kids.

You were probably the silly girlfriend once too - which is how you ended up married to him and producing children.
But I agree that it won't change. It won't get better, just harder.
Number 1 cause of divorce - infidelity or abuse
Number 2 cause of divorce - fights over money
Number 3 cause of divorce - workaholic man / stay at home (or put upon woh) woman

I got to page 5 and gave up.

OP - with variation i could be your story. He is not going to change. Ever.

Unless you can’t get over the bitter - time to move on. Do what it takes to divorce him.

I did and my kids were better off for a happier mom and not having a disengaged Dad around. (For him it was partly time available and partly pushing everything on me.). After he left he was clear that he wasn’t going to step up with his kids and took on a girlfriend who hung on his every word because that was the easy way for him to find success rather than trying to be a better husband, father and provider.

Think about yourself. Once u are a better u - that will be what is best for your kids.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

Good for you that your spouse has an even worse job. I hope it pays more. If his job paid more I wouldn’t be so angry because at least it would be worth it.

No salary is worth it, honestly.

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist to help process your anger. It sounds frustrating but it’s the way it is for now.

I would also spend a lot of time teaching my kids to clean up and play independently. The clean up will be slow but will pay dividends in the years ahead. Independent play will give you a break.

Workism is a terrible thing and it ruins families. All those eager to claim how much more they have to do work are clueless. What a crappy society!

Best response on the thread so far. Also, this may sound mean, but I would also add:

Don’t do anything around the house for him. No laundry, nothing special for dinner that you’re not already making for yourself and the kids

Anonymous wrote:Ah foreign policy… sounds sexy but there are very few jobs in the field and unless you are a VIP, very low wages. He likely wants to keep his toe in foreign policy because it’s oh so sexy and may feel like he wasted his masters education if he switched fields. Foreign policy is not practical unless you go into government or foreign service. I feel for you, OP.

Yes I majored in this but wised up … biglaw grind then in-house. So thankful. This guy could be a paralegal for $100k. Not glamorous but at some point you need to grow up.