She has a me course on taxes? ew.

omg this:

"It really is the ultimate in elevated evening attire and it only sheds a few feathers with each wear. The pleather belt is just PRESH and surprisingly comfortable. However, droolings, not everyone can pull off the white mamaw purse look with an all-black outfit so you may want to opt for a more neutral bag since you are not me."

& referring to tyler as her "beefy little theater boy."

I'm dead.

Use code EGGPLANTEMOJI….😂😭

THANK YOU, JANE! I've been checking back all day for this response! HBD Gabbin!

OMG.

The internet’s very best right here yall.

In our little corner.

So much laughter. So much joy.

Never leave us, Jane.

Bone JUR Droolings. C'est Moi, Jane. 

I want to take a moment to announce that today marks the 27th anniversary of the birth of my oldest spawn, Gabbin. I began with Advil (might have overdid the porch wine last night) and by starting a text message exchange with my dear, dear, boy that he interpreted as sincere felicitations - that's a more chic way of saying congrats I've been doing a lot of Wordle with my Black Box Sauv Blanc lately - but you know the little wheels in the place where my brain is supposed to be were turning and I said "How can I make this into CONTENT?"

The answer, my beleagureds, was to make his birthday all about Moi. I am, after all, responsible for bringing this child into the world so what better way to celebrate squeezing out Gabbin than to type an ode to my own awesomeness and take the opportunity to earn a little cheddar cheese? Mama needs eyelash extensions and that "Adding a few more vegetables and taking a few walks" doesn't come cheap, you know. <wink emoji wink emoji wink emoji>

Sharing a selection of random photos that strike the perfect balance between making you go "Wowza that Jane Capstitcher is so RAD, inspiring, and NOT AT ALL LIKE OTHER WOMEN" and seeing me as relatable enough to make you think of me as your internet bestie that helps you shop for EV-REE-THING from sleep gummies #FLOCLAMBASSADOR to THE MOST DARLING dresses - package wrinkles optional #SCHILLABILLEAMBASSAOR #notheyarentbankrupt #linkinstories #linkincomments #likemyfacebookpagetoo

SO MANY OF YOU asked me about my Amazon feather dress, so I've linked it in stories and on Facebook and on my webpage, all in Gabbins honor OF COURSE. It really is the ultimate in elevated evening attire and it only sheds a few feathers with each wear. The pleather belt is just PRESH and surprisingly comfortable. However, droolings, not everyone can pull off the white mamaw purse look with an all-black outfit so you may want to opt for a more neutral bag since you are not me.

And trust me when I say there's no better way to honor your adult son than to include a reference to your S3X life in his birthday 'Gram. Of course, I'm too much of a gentile lady to spill the deets but my reference to S3X (only the coolest of the cool cats are writing it that way) is to answer the question that is BURNING in your minds, yes, TREVOR AND I are hitting the hotel sheets togetha on the 4x yearly occasion that I make him hang out with me and I'm here to say you should have zero problems believing my beefy little theater boy is one hot tamale. I mean, just look at him. LOOK. AT. US. Pure magic. <eggplantemoji> <heareyesemoji> <winkemoji>

Happy Birthday, Gabbin! 

Want my 68-page ME COURSE about how to parent young adults bundled with my seven-page ME COURSE about keeping it spicy after 50? Of COURSE you do, droolings. Just comment CRINGE below and someone from MY TEAM will DM you the links to purchase. Use code "EGGPLANTEMOJI" for an additional 5% off. #teeheeimsonaughty #sorrynotsorryson 

And that's not all.

The first 10 customers will get a sneak peek of my upcoming ME COURSE - still untitled - on hair care. It includes product links because of course and a step-by-step tutorial on how to leave the flat iron on your hair for an additional two minutes to achieve that fashionably crunchy hair texture. SO MANY OF YOU ask me for hair styling advice and I'm almost ready to unleash my knowledge to the world - or at least to the 2,000 of you that aren't bots or rage followers. 

Tra la la

Jen acts like she’s some sort of bossbabe whisperer/cheerleader when she’s a low level grade Z grifter who makes her living shilling to vulnerable women. I think satellites can see my eye roll from heaven.

That post is on another level.

It also seems like the examples she used were like made up examples AI would give of “what would a cringe boss babe at 50 look like for an influencer to describe” Most people don’t talk like that or think that shallow of a way. “We run our own companies and hire our own staff.” “We ask for raises and profit shares.”

People who feel the need to constantly insist on how amazing and fabulous and successful and fulfilled they are online are always privately not that at all. I think Jen’s in a bad place.

Can you imagine the sheer cringe and embarrassment her kids feel
When she posts stuff like that? Let alone the hurt Gavin must feel to see that happy birthday out devolve into a weird, braggy but transparently insecure age rant where his mom is super invested about s3x with her barely engaged obese theater gay boyfriend.

If you can't say "sex" without substituting a 3 for the e, are you actually having sex?

Her post was the first thing I saw this morning. That's it, I'm done.

I don't understand how you turn a happy birthday post for your son into a fake brag about your sex life with your gay/fake boyfriend. Find some self respect.

Unfollow and please STFU forever.

Happy birthday to my amazing son.

S3x is amazing and buy this thing I'm selling.

This is a new level of ick, even for her. I can't even imagine what it is like to be one of her kids.

I can’t with that post. Happy 27th birthday son. I’m 50 and sex is amazing. What in the actual ?????

Big Sis’ latest post is screeeaaaaming for a Jane Capstitcher parody like nothing else I’ve ever seen.