Jaaaaane!

A firm thank you is code for Adam didn’t want to make a scene with the black man in public - kudos to his restraint!

Jane Capsticher has more wit and writing talent than the target of her satire does on even her best day.

I

Am

Dying

Anonymous wrote:"True story, a couple nights ago Jen and I walked past Adam Sandler I grabbed his shoulder like, “Hey old friend.” And he let me. No words, just a firm thank you."

I'm confused about this social interaction lol

What is a "firm thank you?" This is giving me "Back off and remove your hands from me you weirdo but I don't want things to escalate" vibes.

And Jane!!!!!!!!!!!! You never dissappoint.

"True story, a couple nights ago Jen and I walked past Adam Sandler I grabbed his shoulder like, “Hey old friend.” And he let me. No words, just a firm thank you."

I'm confused about this social interaction lol

So Tyler doesn't acknowledge that OTT Valentine's Day post and puts some canned, inpersonal response to Jen's "book reveal" probably required by whatever PR firm has thought this fake relationship was a bright idea but he can post a snap of a picture of his televsion and write mushy words about...Adam Sandler?

Gah, Jen. This guy is not into you. Like not at all.

THANK YOU JANE! I've been waiting to hear from you and it's perfect, as always!

Tra la la droolings!

It is, in the words of my hair and makeup role model, the great Effie Trinket, a BIG BIG BIG DAY!

I, Jane Capsticher, have REVEALED the cover of my manifesto, my masterpiece, my magnum opus.

That last thing was LATIN, my beleaguereds. When you are A-WOKE and HEALED AND WHOLE, like moi, you become open to new experiences and other cultures and I have a deep respect for the Latin culture, in a totally non-appropriative way, natch-ur-ally. I did, after all, pretend-to-participate-err-make-tamales with Ms. Rosa this past winter holidays season which shows my deep commitment to Latin Exes. Viva Carpay Dime, y'all. Tee hee.

Meet my new book baby, A-WOKE. 
A-WOKE is DEEPLY PERSONAL. RAW. It will reveal...well, probably nothing I haven't posted here on Instagram, droolings, but that's not the point. The point is, that you will have a copy of my pain, my struggles, and my JOURNEY to find deep, meaningful joy to hold in your hands. It will not, unfortunately, dive deeply into my former relationship with my former husband. 
Stupid NDA.

And can we talk about this GLORIOUS cover art for a hot minute? It was inspired by the vajingle painting class my RIDE OR DIES (except YOU Megan) and I did on board the Carnival Salty Spitter during the last JANE CAPSTITCHER CRUISE. There was wine - the good kind not from a box - and laughter and tears and lots of talk about vibrators and anyway - I decided right then and there that our sloppy, sauce-fueled attempt at artwork would grace the cover of my latest book. 
Take a moment to FREAK OUT with me at its utter perfection.

K Moving on. A few select FANS will be able to receive an advance copy for review - just comment CORNEATER below and MY TEAM will inbox you the deets. 

I can't wait for you to read A-WOKE. It is truly NO HOLDS BARRED. We talk about SEGGS and body image, how I'm totally not on Ozempic, FLOCL gummies, and perimenopause, all wildly revolutionary conversations that are NOT LIKE CONVERSATIONS ANYONE ELSE HAS naturellement. I do, after all, eat ricotta cheese by the pound in January when everyone else is subsisting on carrot juice and sadness.

And I can't TEASE too much before publication day, which rest assured, will be celebrated by tens of people the world over with brass band level fanfare, and of course, CAKE, but there's a 37-page dedication that goes into great detail about the renaissance of my relationship with @THETREVORBARRETPROJEKT who is still totally my boyfriend and totally still wears DREDS #edgy 

Sure, we only see each other a few times a year on junkets that my publicist Heater sets up but he did, after all, send me a countertop mixer* and gave my LESBIAN daughter, who is a fearless courageous young woman who has been on an airplane before, a fancy litter box and if that's not an indicator of steadfast commitment, I'm not sure what is. 

*I am required per contract to put "Allegedly" on any mention of said countertop mixer because @THETREVORBARRETTPROJECKT has never OFFICIALLY acknowledged that he sent the mixer. Stupid contract. 

I can't wait to hear from you, my beleaguereds, and BASK IN THIS MOMENT with you. I mean, yes, it's definitely MY moment but you're here too and that's...great. I can picture you cozied up with my epic vagina flower inspired cover art in your grubby little unmanicured hands in your very own reading nook, which is certainly not as cool as my reading nook. Not everyone can pull off peacock blue with killer psycho guard bird accents but I do strive to deliver aspirational content. 

This is just such a special, chocolate covered day, droolings. I love you all. Not as much as I love boxed sauv blanc and statement rings, but a lot. 
Tra lal la.  

Another prediction:

“Growing up in a traditional church irreparably harmed me. Everything I learned had to be completely deconstructed. The message I was taught of women, men, and sex was traumatizing.”

Later….

“I hit the jackpot in the dad department. He’s the kindest, most encouraging, trustworthy soul. Here’s a text he sent me. Look how precious. He was also the pastor of the traditional church I grew up in.”

Ma’am, I have some questions.

Any bets on whether or not her body positivity chapter includes the fact that she got a tummy tuck to make herself feel/look better???

This book is supposed to be the truest thing she’s ever written, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did he note say a peep about his "girlfriend" on V-day, he didn't even acknowledge her syrupy ode to him.

Girl. Open your eyes.

Not a word. But can we talk about the fact that Brando did not acknowledge Barbie on Valentines Day either? Wonder what’s going on. She blocked me on instagram so not sure if she had posted anything either. In the past they have BOTH posted mushy gushy words and pictures of all the fantastic gifts he gifts her.
Find it odd he did nothing this year.
Mr. Best gift giver a wife could ever have.
Jen just posted she was married to the Valentine gift God for 20 something years so for him to ignore his Barbie Valentine’s Day post screams TROUBLE.

Run Texas, run

She did a long post with several pics with Brandon (tagged) on her IG.

Tyler's comment on her big reveal post looks like something my sixth grade teacher would have written on my report card.

And who is the crying guy who texted her a photo of his tear-stained face?

I think the premise will be that love exists outside the church! How the church made her a judge-y, uptight hypocrite but now that she found "love" from Tyler and all the gays who compliment her carry on at the airport, she is free to truly love others and most of ALL, her dang self. Finally!

There will be maximum two out of context Bible verses and much talk of "bad fruit" produced by bad churches.

I’m sure he was giving her back shots before the split.

Anonymous wrote:That is interesting she admits they 'fell in love in this exact spot almost 5 years ago'... Jen and Brandon were still married then

I always thought she was his “affair.” He had been liking Tina’s posts for awhile before the split, although he claims he met her afterwards. I’ve brought this up before but always get shot down.

Brando definitely upgraded from psycho. That much I believe. Jenn is a nut job. Jesus F Christ. How in the heck did they get paid to be this weird, arrogant and dumb?

I think I had a run in with her man in a gay porn theater. I dunno. Anyway. Dude with dreads.