Did you spend more on the recent wedding then originally agreed upon? Did you spend more on the purchase of the house then originally agreed upon?

Is this a pattern starting?

Anonymous wrote:Ah, the woes of newlyweds! If you have the money do it. The saying “happy wife, happy life” is no joke.

F that. I hate that saying because it's so stupid. Unless the wife is a super model...she better deal with sharing ideas on how to spend money. And when it comes to thousands of dollars, it better be a joint decision.

It is not emotionally mature to react to an adult with “calm but firm adult authority.” No. That isn’t how a partnership works.

If the other person behaves like an adult partner, then they are treated like an adult partner. If the other person acts like a child, then they are treated like a child. If one person tries to manipulate or intimidate the other by displaying anger, then the manipulator has violated the partnership and lost the right to be treated as an adult.

You don’t react with “authority.” You do not have any authority over another adult.

I most certainly do, in many different situations, and anyone who attempts to use anger to manipulate or intimidate me is going to learn very quickly that this is not acceptable.

This whole bringing “parental authority” analogy into a marriage partnership is just a childlike way of looking at relationships. “Act like a child and I’ll treat you like a child” is a tit for tat “she started it” way of dealing with things. It suggests massive insecurity that you can’t respond by trying to see where they are coming from and saying any subsequent compromise is being weak and giving in.

Wrong. One should be willing to compromise when there has been a calm and reasonable discussion between adults of the pros and cons. It is not weak or insecure to compromise in that situation. Compromise is not possible if one party is using anger and emotional blackmail to get their way. That is not what adult partners do to each other. In that case, you are definitely giving in through weakness, and the other person will use that technique on you again and again. Because it works. And that's on you for being so weak as to let it work on you.

it is unlikely that OP’s wife is having a tantrum and using emotional manipulation to get what she wants.

She is absolutely using emotional blackmail - "I am mad at you for not doing what I want, and I will stay mad until you do what I want."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh boy. NP here and I say this with all sincerity: find a good therapist or at least read a self help book. This is not how healthy adults respond to poor treatment from their spouses.

What do you think a man should do when a woman uses emotions to manipulate her husband to get what she wants? What is his response to this bad behavior?

🤷 Can’t see why you should respond any differently than when a kid does it.

Don’t you see that responding immaturely when somebody is acting immature is the exact thing that a kid would do? If somebody isn’t treating you well, you don’t escalate the conflict and start trying to act like your spouses father.

Where did I say you should respond immaturely? I said you should respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail in a spouse the same way you respond to them in a child. When you, as a parent, do not let kids get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, you are not “escalating” or “responding immaturely”. There are certainly escalatory and immature ways to respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail, but that is not what I am recommending.

If you let anyone manipulate you with tantrums and blackmail, you have failed as an adult and you have shown weakness which the person doing that to you will surely exploit again and again.

You said "act like a child get treated like a child," and that you shouldn't respond differently to an adult doing something immature than you would respond to a kid. It's not mature for a grownup to treat another adult as a child no matter what the other adult is doing.

Plus you should like you treat your kids in a really immature way too. You're caught up in not seeming weak so you feel like you have to assert your authority the minute you feel it's threatened. Not a great way to treat a kid, and a terrible way to treat an adult.

Your assumptions are completely incorrect. I don't treat my kids in an immature way. I exercise calm but firm adult parental authority. They are not going to get what they want by crying or displaying anger. No, I do not feel "threatened" when they tried to do that back when they were much smaller. That's asinine. They have no ability to threaten me whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them get their way with tantrums and emotional manipulation. One of the reasons they don't try that on me now is because it has never worked.

If an adult acts immaturely towards me, I am going to treat them the same way as I would a child - that is, with a calm but firm refusal to be manipulated.

One of the things I first noticed as a parent is how many other parents were too weak and flabby to exert their authority over their children. Invariably, these people had awful children.

Authority is always conserved. If you don't have it, your children have it. If your children have it, then you suck as a parent.

It is not emotionally mature to react to an adult with “calm but firm adult authority.” No. That isn’t how a partnership works. You don’t react with “authority.” You do not have any authority over another adult. This whole bringing “parental authority” analogy into a marriage partnership is just a childlike way of looking at relationships. “Act like a child and I’ll treat you like a child” is a tit for tat “she started it” way of dealing with things. It suggests massive insecurity that you can’t respond by trying to see where they are coming from and saying any subsequent compromise is being weak and giving in.

And like PP pointed out, it is unlikely that OP’s wife is having a tantrum and using emotional manipulation to get what she wants. It is just a scenario where each person wants different but reasonable things, and they are having a hard time compromising. The fact that OP needs to post here and nothing he says suggests he is trying to see where his wife is coming from (to him it’s either a stand your ground or give in scenario) tells me he has some learning to do, regardless of what his wife is feeling or doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh boy. NP here and I say this with all sincerity: find a good therapist or at least read a self help book. This is not how healthy adults respond to poor treatment from their spouses.

What do you think a man should do when a woman uses emotions to manipulate her husband to get what she wants? What is his response to this bad behavior?

🤷 Can’t see why you should respond any differently than when a kid does it.

Don’t you see that responding immaturely when somebody is acting immature is the exact thing that a kid would do? If somebody isn’t treating you well, you don’t escalate the conflict and start trying to act like your spouses father.

Where did I say you should respond immaturely? I said you should respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail in a spouse the same way you respond to them in a child. When you, as a parent, do not let kids get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, you are not “escalating” or “responding immaturely”. There are certainly escalatory and immature ways to respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail, but that is not what I am recommending.

If you let anyone manipulate you with tantrums and blackmail, you have failed as an adult and you have shown weakness which the person doing that to you will surely exploit again and again.

You said "act like a child get treated like a child," and that you shouldn't respond differently to an adult doing something immature than you would respond to a kid. It's not mature for a grownup to treat another adult as a child no matter what the other adult is doing.

Plus you should like you treat your kids in a really immature way too. You're caught up in not seeming weak so you feel like you have to assert your authority the minute you feel it's threatened. Not a great way to treat a kid, and a terrible way to treat an adult.

Your assumptions are completely incorrect. I don't treat my kids in an immature way. I exercise calm but firm adult parental authority. They are not going to get what they want by crying or displaying anger. No, I do not feel "threatened" when they tried to do that back when they were much smaller. That's asinine. They have no ability to threaten me whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them get their way with tantrums and emotional manipulation. One of the reasons they don't try that on me now is because it has never worked.

If an adult acts immaturely towards me, I am going to treat them the same way as I would a child - that is, with a calm but firm refusal to be manipulated.

One of the things I first noticed as a parent is how many other parents were too weak and flabby to exert their authority over their children. Invariably, these people had awful children.

Authority is always conserved. If you don't have it, your children have it. If your children have it, then you suck as a parent.

It is not emotionally mature to react to an adult with “calm but firm adult authority.” No. That isn’t how a partnership works. You don’t react with “authority.” You do not have any authority over another adult. This whole bringing “parental authority” analogy into a marriage partnership is just a childlike way of looking at relationships. “Act like a child and I’ll treat you like a child” is a tit for tat “she started it” way of dealing with things. It suggests massive insecurity that you can’t respond by trying to see where they are coming from and saying any subsequent compromise is being weak and giving in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask your wife why you bought that house since you decided on it because it was ready. And who on earth prefers a stainless sink over a farmhouse sink? She clearly has bad taste which is another reason to shut it down. And it's just wasteful. Personally, I'd probably rethink being married to someone who's wasteful, whose goals don't align with mine and who is never satisfied. I know a woman like that and it gets worse, not better. She's NEVER satisfied. Today it's the sink and counter and tomorrow it's the whole damn house and it's just always onto the next thing.

Not everyone is into the farmhouse look. I much prefer a stainless steel sink to the white sink.

Yeah same. I personally would push DH to spend a lot of money just (although he would do it if I really wanted it) but I would if it was part of a bigger remodel. I love stainless steel. So much more practical and you won’t have the sink sticking out. I prefer the cleaner look of cabinetry. They can look cute but I don’t want one enough that I would spend money to change it.

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. Where did OP say that his wife said she was having a tantrum or emotional blackmail?

It's in the title of the post - "wife is mad at me". Very obviously she intends to use the threat of continued anger to get her way. That is blackmail.

Also IMO all personal decisions are emotional unless you are dealing with a robot.

You're missing the point. The decision may have an emotional component, but the question is how should the issue be decided - what is more important, judgment, or emotion? She is trying to make her feelings the primary basis for the decision - i.e., we should do this because otherwise I'll be angry and sad, regardless of what good financial judgment might dictate. The proper way to make personal financial decisions is good judgment should come first, regardless of feelings. If you can't afford it based on the financial facts, that's a no, and if that makes you angry or sad, too bad, get over it.

Everyone has, at some point in their life, wanted something they can't afford. If you wisely turn it down, over time you usually realize you didn't want it that much anyway. If you don't, then you get a temporary feeling of gratification (look at me, I have a huge mansion and a fancy car, yay!) but you are only setting yourself up for long-term grief when you hit the rocks financially.

The OP said “ We have the money but that’s not the point”. The OP also said that he was worried about being a pushover and it setting the tone in a new marriage. So if you think it’s just about the money, you are missing the point. My advice was to acknowledge that it is emotional for both of them and try to understand why and find a compromise. I’m not going to say just spend the money but I’m also not going to say to OP stand firm because how you resolve differences and talk through issues with your spouse is a very important part of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask your wife why you bought that house since you decided on it because it was ready. And who on earth prefers a stainless sink over a farmhouse sink? She clearly has bad taste which is another reason to shut it down. And it's just wasteful. Personally, I'd probably rethink being married to someone who's wasteful, whose goals don't align with mine and who is never satisfied. I know a woman like that and it gets worse, not better. She's NEVER satisfied. Today it's the sink and counter and tomorrow it's the whole damn house and it's just always onto the next thing.

Not everyone is into the farmhouse look. I much prefer a stainless steel sink to the white sink.

NP here. Where did OP say that his wife said she was having a tantrum or emotional blackmail?

It's in the title of the post - "wife is mad at me". Very obviously she intends to use the threat of continued anger to get her way. That is blackmail.

Also IMO all personal decisions are emotional unless you are dealing with a robot.

You're missing the point. The decision may have an emotional component, but the question is how should the issue be decided - what is more important, judgment, or emotion? She is trying to make her feelings the primary basis for the decision - i.e., we should do this because otherwise I'll be angry and sad, regardless of what good financial judgment might dictate. The proper way to make personal financial decisions is good judgment should come first, regardless of feelings. If you can't afford it based on the financial facts, that's a no, and if that makes you angry or sad, too bad, get over it.

Everyone has, at some point in their life, wanted something they can't afford. If you wisely turn it down, over time you usually realize you didn't want it that much anyway. If you don't, then you get a temporary feeling of gratification (look at me, I have a huge mansion and a fancy car, yay!) but you are only setting yourself up for long-term grief when you hit the rocks financially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh boy. NP here and I say this with all sincerity: find a good therapist or at least read a self help book. This is not how healthy adults respond to poor treatment from their spouses.

What do you think a man should do when a woman uses emotions to manipulate her husband to get what she wants? What is his response to this bad behavior?

🤷 Can’t see why you should respond any differently than when a kid does it.

Don’t you see that responding immaturely when somebody is acting immature is the exact thing that a kid would do? If somebody isn’t treating you well, you don’t escalate the conflict and start trying to act like your spouses father.

Where did I say you should respond immaturely? I said you should respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail in a spouse the same way you respond to them in a child. When you, as a parent, do not let kids get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, you are not “escalating” or “responding immaturely”. There are certainly escalatory and immature ways to respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail, but that is not what I am recommending.

If you let anyone manipulate you with tantrums and blackmail, you have failed as an adult and you have shown weakness which the person doing that to you will surely exploit again and again.

You said "act like a child get treated like a child," and that you shouldn't respond differently to an adult doing something immature than you would respond to a kid. It's not mature for a grownup to treat another adult as a child no matter what the other adult is doing.

Plus you should like you treat your kids in a really immature way too. You're caught up in not seeming weak so you feel like you have to assert your authority the minute you feel it's threatened. Not a great way to treat a kid, and a terrible way to treat an adult.

Your assumptions are completely incorrect. I don't treat my kids in an immature way. I exercise calm but firm adult parental authority. They are not going to get what they want by crying or displaying anger. No, I do not feel "threatened" when they tried to do that back when they were much smaller. That's asinine. They have no ability to threaten me whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them get their way with tantrums and emotional manipulation. One of the reasons they don't try that on me now is because it has never worked.

If an adult acts immaturely towards me, I am going to treat them the same way as I would a child - that is, with a calm but firm refusal to be manipulated.

One of the things I first noticed as a parent is how many other parents were too weak and flabby to exert their authority over their children. Invariably, these people had awful children.

Authority is always conserved. If you don't have it, your children have it. If your children have it, then you suck as a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh boy. NP here and I say this with all sincerity: find a good therapist or at least read a self help book. This is not how healthy adults respond to poor treatment from their spouses.

What do you think a man should do when a woman uses emotions to manipulate her husband to get what she wants? What is his response to this bad behavior?

🤷 Can’t see why you should respond any differently than when a kid does it.

Don’t you see that responding immaturely when somebody is acting immature is the exact thing that a kid would do? If somebody isn’t treating you well, you don’t escalate the conflict and start trying to act like your spouses father.

Where did I say you should respond immaturely? I said you should respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail in a spouse the same way you respond to them in a child. When you, as a parent, do not let kids get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, you are not “escalating” or “responding immaturely”. There are certainly escalatory and immature ways to respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail, but that is not what I am recommending.

If you let anyone manipulate you with tantrums and blackmail, you have failed as an adult and you have shown weakness which the person doing that to you will surely exploit again and again.

You said "act like a child get treated like a child," and that you shouldn't respond differently to an adult doing something immature than you would respond to a kid. It's not mature for a grownup to treat another adult as a child no matter what the other adult is doing.

Plus you should like you treat your kids in a really immature way too. You're caught up in not seeming weak so you feel like you have to assert your authority the minute you feel it's threatened. Not a great way to treat a kid, and a terrible way to treat an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh boy. NP here and I say this with all sincerity: find a good therapist or at least read a self help book. This is not how healthy adults respond to poor treatment from their spouses.

What do you think a man should do when a woman uses emotions to manipulate her husband to get what she wants? What is his response to this bad behavior?

🤷 Can’t see why you should respond any differently than when a kid does it.

Don’t you see that responding immaturely when somebody is acting immature is the exact thing that a kid would do? If somebody isn’t treating you well, you don’t escalate the conflict and start trying to act like your spouses father.

Where did I say you should respond immaturely? I said you should respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail in a spouse the same way you respond to them in a child. When you, as a parent, do not let kids get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, you are not “escalating” or “responding immaturely”. There are certainly escalatory and immature ways to respond to tantrums and emotional blackmail, but that is not what I am recommending.

If you let anyone manipulate you with tantrums and blackmail, you have failed as an adult and you have shown weakness which the person doing that to you will surely exploit again and again.

Anonymous wrote:

Act like a child, get treated like a child. If your adult partner, male or female, tries to get what they want through tantrums and blackmail, they lose their right to be treated like an equal partner. Not least because that person is no longer treating you like an equal partner, but is saying "give me what I want or else".

She is also trying to shift the grounds for decision from judgement to emotion (do what I want or I will be sad, do what I want or I will be mad at you), which is not the proper basis for financial decisions and should be rejected every time she tries it. Just like when a child tries it!

NP here. Where did OP say that his wife said she was having a tantrum or emotional blackmail? Also IMO all personal decisions are emotional unless you are dealing with a robot. How you want to spend your money or not is a reflection of what you value, how you were raised/connection to childhood, experiences you’ve had etc and that’s the context for “logical decisions”. And cost isn’t the same thing as worth or value. I’ve seen people say something is too expensive that is a food item but hop into a luxury car and it makes 100% sense if you understand that the person gets something different out of those things than I do.

OP, why does your DW feel the house has to be perfect? Since you do have the money, is your sense of unease that you don’t feel like you have the opportunity to also put your stamp on the house or that you aren’t picking out things together for the kitchen, especially where you are the primary cook? Or is it that you worry about spending money in general? Both of you have reasons behind why what you think is perfectly logical doesn’t make sense to the other person - it’s being able to articulate underlying reasons (like when you do the 5 whys at work to get to a root cause) for yourself, trying to understand the same for the other person and then working towards a compromise.

I'd ask your wife why you bought that house since you decided on it because it was ready. And who on earth prefers a stainless sink over a farmhouse sink? She clearly has bad taste which is another reason to shut it down. And it's just wasteful. Personally, I'd probably rethink being married to someone who's wasteful, whose goals don't align with mine and who is never satisfied. I know a woman like that and it gets worse, not better. She's NEVER satisfied. Today it's the sink and counter and tomorrow it's the whole damn house and it's just always onto the next thing.

DO it OP! Maybe skip vacation this year or two but let her have this!