Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:13     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Am I the only one who thinks OP’s husband sounds like an a-hole?

I am an (Asian) woman who chooses to work even though we could live happily on my DH’s income. I enjoy having a job, and it’s a pretty flexible job so I feel like I have enough time with my kids. My husband supports me working, but he would equally support me SAH (I know because he’s asked me a few times if I would want to - obviously my life would be easier if I did!) I think it’s terrible for a spouse to make the other spouse work if they are financially set for college and retirement!

Of course, I’m sure my DH would respect me less if I became a stereotypical brain-dead SAHM, but if I continued to take an interest in the world, community, etc. I don’t think our relationship would suffer.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:11     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.


^^ I don’t think this board is a good place to come if you want to SAH. Many people on here have opinions like the one above. They really don’t grasp how many women stay home or want to stay home but simply can’t because they have bills to pay. I think the references to large inheritances derailed the conversation.


PP didn't express an anti- SAHM sentiment. It's anti-unilateral decision making. Having a SAH parent is wonderful for many families. But just like whether or not to have a kid, it's a decision that both partners should be on board with. Otherwise, it's guaranteed to result in resentment.

However, the resulting of SAH parenting is that it's a limited engagement. Eventually you either go back to work or continue on unemployed. Which is fine if, again, both partners are on board with that. But you can't be a SAH parent forever. So if someone says they don't want to ever return to work, that means they want to parent, then do nothing after the kids grow up, while the spouse continues to work. And I don't think it's unreasonable that their spouse would object to that.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:11     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?


Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.


Please explain how I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Seriously I want to know. I truly don’t think I can manage to continue my career while having another child and being the primary parent. Doesn’t everyone have a limit as to children and working? If not, then why doesn’t every woman have 10+ kids? I assume because they only have so much time, resources and know what they can handle physically and emotionally.. I don’t think I can handle my job, which involves overseas travel (assuming that happens again) and another child.


Yes, you can. Millions of moms do it every day. You just don't WANT to.

You also have plenty of money to hire a nanny, so that the drudgery parts of child-rearing can be outsourced and your quality time can be spent with your kids outside of work. Again, you don't want to. You sound like a spoiled princess who is used to having men take care of her and elevate her on a pedestal since childhood. That's not how real life adulthood works.

Definitely don't have the second kid.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:08     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?


A spoiled brat because you feel entitled to being fully financially supported by another adult and not contributing financially to the household, and because you keep talking about "childbirth" and "breastfeeding" as if that's an 18 year endeavor that gives you a Get Out of Jail Free card for life because you think working as a lawyer isn't fun.


Your response shows exactly how little you think of women and also SAHMs. Get out of jail free card? Financially supported by another adult?

Only on DCUM.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:06     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?


A spoiled brat because you feel entitled to being fully financially supported by another adult and not contributing financially to the household, and because you keep talking about "childbirth" and "breastfeeding" as if that's an 18 year endeavor that gives you a Get Out of Jail Free card for life because you think working as a lawyer isn't fun.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:06     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Having read all the posts from this entitled OP, I agree she should not have more children. Sounds like a selfish disaster of a marriage, and not a great environment for children.


It’s selfish to stay home with children?

If anything, I care about my children. I simply want to spend time with my children instead of adding to my already high net worth. I don’t want more money. I want time with my children.



I agree with op. Not selfish to want to stay home with kids if financially secure. Op..don’t listen to the naysayers. They are jealous.


OP here. I think I completely sidetracked everything by mentioning our net worth. I simply wanted to make the point that we definitely don’t need my paycheck to pay the bills.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:04     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?


Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.


Please explain how I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Seriously I want to know. I truly don’t think I can manage to continue my career while having another child and being the primary parent. Doesn’t everyone have a limit as to children and working? If not, then why doesn’t every woman have 10+ kids? I assume because they only have so much time, resources and know what they can handle physically and emotionally.. I don’t think I can handle my job, which involves overseas travel (assuming that happens again) and another child.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:03     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page. These posts were obnoxious.

Op, I totally get what you are saying! Having to have a high powered career AND have a second kid without feeling like you can stay home after sucks if what you want to stay home. It’s like, you’re supposed to make lots of money but also go through the exhaustion of pregnancy and another kid while also steaming ahead with your careeer. That’s annoying if it’s not what you want and I could totally see stopping after one kid in your case.


OP here. This is exactly how I feel.


Then don’t have another child.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:02     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Having read all the posts from this entitled OP, I agree she should not have more children. Sounds like a selfish disaster of a marriage, and not a great environment for children.


It’s selfish to stay home with children?

If anything, I care about my children. I simply want to spend time with my children instead of adding to my already high net worth. I don’t want more money. I want time with my children.



I agree with op. Not selfish to want to stay home with kids if financially secure. Op..don’t listen to the naysayers. They are jealous.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:01     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:God I’m so embarrassed for you and feel bad for your kid/s.

You’re insufferable. Your husband will divorce you at one point.


I don’t know. It’s starting to make sense to me why so many people here are in sexless marriages. The responses are crazy. Randomly telling a woman that her husband will divorce her? How unhappy are you to lash out at someone like this on the internet?
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 21:00     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.


A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?


Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:59     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?


This!!!


It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?


That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.


You have made a lot of cruel assumptions about me. For example, that I haven’t spoken to my husband about this. Of course I have! I never said in a post that we haven’t spoken.

Entitled to have another adult pay my way? Sorry, but how am I entitled? I have said quite a few times that I likely won’t have another child so that I don’t need to quit my job.

Are you always this hard on other women? Just the fact you would even refer to being a stay at home mom as “have another adult pay your way.” Wow.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:59     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
God I’m so embarrassed for you and feel bad for your kid/s.

You’re insufferable. Your husband will divorce you at one point.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:58     Subject: no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:It seems you and your husband don't share the same valuesm. My husband and I talked about this before marriage and I agreed I would always work. After having my kids I changed my mind but kept to my agreement overall I'm happy. I plan to retire early. Your kids actually need you the most as teens so why not count on retiring and being at home during that time?

Don't count your inheritance. I know plenty of people who counted on an inheritance and through circumstances it didn't work out. Maybe pick a less demanding job or he has to pick up just as much oof the domestic work because you work.


How does always working and retiring early compute? Will your husband only allow it if you both stop working (retire) at the exact same time? If you retire before him, then according to this board he is supporting you…
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:57     Subject: Re:no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?
Anonymous wrote:The funny thing is should the husband decided divorce will make the 'partner' listen, those women will have to go right back where they started - to get a job.


Perfection.