Anonymous
05/11/2021 11:21
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like you have had a really good life and you sound not at all grateful for it. Some of us never had the huge, warm family experience growing up or as parents. You had both but still mourn not getting more as a (1950s) grandparent matriarch. It’s not an attractive look and I am sure your kids feel the same. In fact, they may not have enjoyed their large family childhood that much if they don’t even want kids.
+1
You have two sound kids with a career and they seem fine. That's more than most peple have.
I don't get these comments. The "it's not a loss per se" comments and "more than most people have" comments. OP feels the loss. So, is she wrong-feeling? Should we tell her how she's supposed to feel because, you know, that's always helpful.
FWIW, adding "per se' to any comment pretty much means the comment is useless.
Anonymous
05/11/2021 07:32
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like you have had a really good life and you sound not at all grateful for it. Some of us never had the huge, warm family experience growing up or as parents. You had both but still mourn not getting more as a (1950s) grandparent matriarch. It’s not an attractive look and I am sure your kids feel the same. In fact, they may not have enjoyed their large family childhood that much if they don’t even want kids.
+1
You have two sound kids with a career and they seem fine. That's more than most peple have.
Anonymous
05/11/2021 03:51
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
I birthed a business. This took up a lot of my time. I also joined ancestry.com and met a lot of relatives I never knew existed. I’ve visited some and some have visited me. Thinking about planning a reunion.
Anonymous
05/11/2021 01:18
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
Yes, it is a loss.
In this thread, the issue is
an actual loss of family, which is made clear, so your argument is irrelevant here.
But, women who cannot have children are experiencing a loss of having children. That is a loss.
Let's look at your suggestion outside
of this paradigm:
1. Women also lose opportunities in the workplace to men, hindering their career, as well as equal pay. Are you suggesting that they didn't lose something?
2. We see people living in poverty. If they've never had opportunity or money, is it not a loss because they never had these resources?
Your argument makes little sense regarding of whatever context you put it in.
It’s not a loss because it’s not their loss. They had children. Grandchildren is dependent on their children having children and it’s not on the OP or anyone to dictate that.
Ok... (?)but this has nothing to do with OP's comments or any part of this thread. Maybe you were on the wrong thread.
Anonymous
05/08/2021 10:07
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
Yes, it is a loss.
In this thread, the issue is
an actual loss of family, which is made clear, so your argument is irrelevant here.
But, women who cannot have children are experiencing a loss of having children. That is a loss.
Let's look at your suggestion outside
of this paradigm:
1. Women also lose opportunities in the workplace to men, hindering their career, as well as equal pay. Are you suggesting that they didn't lose something?
2. We see people living in poverty. If they've never had opportunity or money, is it not a loss because they never had these resources?
Your argument makes little sense regarding of whatever context you put it in.
It’s not a loss because it’s not their loss. They had children. Grandchildren is dependent on their children having children and it’s not on the OP or anyone to dictate that.
Anonymous
05/06/2021 01:30
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NP. OP you sound really defensive, worried someone on here might think you don't have any hobbies, or sit around doing nothing, or don't have any friends. Could there be some keeping up with the Joneses going on here?
Is it that you can't control or Facebrag about your big family gatherings and kids coming home all the time with their grandchildren? Are you somewhat worried about what other people think?
1. You are not a NP
2. You are extremely ridiculous
3. But...even more hysterically funny each time. Keep it up- can't wait for your next trolling conjecture. I mean, this belongs in a comedy sketch.
I was a NP!
Anonymous
05/06/2021 01:20
Subject: Re:Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you have hit on a source of worry. While we didn't have huge family get-togethers, I do have fond memories of vacations with cousins and long visits with grandparents. They didn't live nearby, but we were poor and our vacations were limited to family. My mother was a very involved grandparent who helped raise all four of her grandkids. While I would love to be that kind of grandmother, we have one child and there is no guarantee he will have kids or that we will still be in good enough health to help out.
We aren't quite ready to retire, but are hoping to retire near close friends or my sister. There is so much research that shows older people need to feel connected to others and engaged in some kind of community.
I think the suggestion to retire somewhere that your kids and other family members will want to visit is a good one. But I think you need to find the parts of yourself that are separate from your children - wife, sister, friend, traveler, learner, creator - and develop those. Good luck.
Working on it.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 12:38
Subject: Re:Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
OP, I think you have hit on a source of worry. While we didn't have huge family get-togethers, I do have fond memories of vacations with cousins and long visits with grandparents. They didn't live nearby, but we were poor and our vacations were limited to family. My mother was a very involved grandparent who helped raise all four of her grandkids. While I would love to be that kind of grandmother, we have one child and there is no guarantee he will have kids or that we will still be in good enough health to help out.
We aren't quite ready to retire, but are hoping to retire near close friends or my sister. There is so much research that shows older people need to feel connected to others and engaged in some kind of community.
I think the suggestion to retire somewhere that your kids and other family members will want to visit is a good one. But I think you need to find the parts of yourself that are separate from your children - wife, sister, friend, traveler, learner, creator - and develop those. Good luck.
We aren't quite ready to retire, but are hoping to retire near close friends or my sister. There is so much research that shows older people need to feel connected to others and engaged in some kind of community.
I think the suggestion to retire somewhere that your kids and other family members will want to visit is a good one. But I think you need to find the parts of yourself that are separate from your children - wife, sister, friend, traveler, learner, creator - and develop those. Good luck.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 12:13
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
It is a loss of what was to be or what might have been.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 11:54
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
Yes, it is a loss.
In this thread, the issue is
an actual loss of family, which is made clear, so your argument is irrelevant here.
But, women who cannot have children are experiencing a loss of having children. That is a loss.
Let's look at your suggestion outside
of this paradigm:
1. Women also lose opportunities in the workplace to men, hindering their career, as well as equal pay. Are you suggesting that they didn't lose something?
2. We see people living in poverty. If they've never had opportunity or money, is it not a loss because they never had these resources?
Your argument makes little sense regarding of whatever context you put it in.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 11:51
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
I haven’t read this whole thread so I don’t know whether it’s been suggested, but have you considered becoming a foster parent? Maybe not for long term fostering with any expectation of adopting. But you could be there for shorter term needs or as a respite foster parent for longer term foster parents who need a break. I think this would be a wonderful way to use your caregiving skills.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 11:49
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
It’s a loss of how you envisioned your life. The potential is now gone.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 11:44
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
But it’s not a loss per se.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 07:47
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 04:08
Subject: Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.
It’s not a loss when it never existed.
You sound very young.