Anonymous
Post 03/21/2021 16:06     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
My guess is that you come off as an over bearing know it all. You probably don't mean to, but that's how she's taking it. You said you worked with kids and youre 10 years older than she is, so she is probably thinks that working with kids is NOT parenting, and she's tired of hearing the advice, even if it's a little thing or just something fun.

Should she be a bit more gracious? Absolutely. But should know your audience. She doesn't want to hear it, so don't bring it up. Same with the gifts...yes it's snobby to demand the high end brand, but if you don't want to buy the brand she asked for, buy something else completely.

This is a case of "you can't control someone else's reactions but you can control your own actions"
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2021 01:46     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother and SIL split up our entire family. My Brother does no longer speaks to the family because of the toxic relationship between these two. She ended up giving him an ultimatum and he chose his children.

Tread lightly, give advice when solicited. You’d be surprised how quickly SIL can shake up the family.

As far as gifts...you all speak different languages. Maybe next time ask her what she would like to commemorate her first year.

Also, she sounds nutty...who googles sensory play? We have gone so far beyond...kids need nothing note how they love the box instead of the stuff inside.

Lastly, this sucks...I know you were trying to bring joy into their lives.


Um duh maybe the parent of a kid who has sensory issues. You are ignorant and I would hate to have you as a sil.


It's crappy of you to blame your sil and assume your brother is some hapless victim of your sil. Your brother probably doesn't want to deal with such rude people. And btw, he chose his children and his wife and do you really think a married man should make any other choice? Your comment about him choosing his children speaks volumes about you.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2021 01:42     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:My mother and SIL split up our entire family. My Brother does no longer speaks to the family because of the toxic relationship between these two. She ended up giving him an ultimatum and he chose his children.

Tread lightly, give advice when solicited. You’d be surprised how quickly SIL can shake up the family.

As far as gifts...you all speak different languages. Maybe next time ask her what she would like to commemorate her first year.

Also, she sounds nutty...who googles sensory play? We have gone so far beyond...kids need nothing note how they love the box instead of the stuff inside.

Lastly, this sucks...I know you were trying to bring joy into their lives.


Um duh maybe the parent of a kid who has sensory issues. You are ignorant and I would hate to have you as a sil.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2021 23:55     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:My mother and SIL split up our entire family. My Brother does no longer speaks to the family because of the toxic relationship between these two. She ended up giving him an ultimatum and he chose his children.

Tread lightly, give advice when solicited. You’d be surprised how quickly SIL can shake up the family.

As far as gifts...you all speak different languages. Maybe next time ask her what she would like to commemorate her first year.

Also, she sounds nutty...who googles sensory play? We have gone so far beyond...kids need nothing note how they love the box instead of the stuff inside.

Lastly, this sucks...I know you were trying to bring joy into their lives.


Do you understand there is a world of special needs kids who have sensory issues and many, many parents have googled sensory plan, gotten tips from OTs, etc.

If someone says no gifts, then don't give them. If they tell you...here is what we want, then chose a gift from there or don't give one. It's not that difficult.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2021 17:56     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
If you want to give gifts, but stuff from the list. Shes telling you so clearly and your disrespect for her wishes is seriosly weird. You sound like a real narcissist.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2021 16:56     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
My mother and SIL split up our entire family. My Brother does no longer speaks to the family because of the toxic relationship between these two. She ended up giving him an ultimatum and he chose his children.

Tread lightly, give advice when solicited. You’d be surprised how quickly SIL can shake up the family.

As far as gifts...you all speak different languages. Maybe next time ask her what she would like to commemorate her first year.

Also, she sounds nutty...who googles sensory play? We have gone so far beyond...kids need nothing note how they love the box instead of the stuff inside.

Lastly, this sucks...I know you were trying to bring joy into their lives.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2021 13:47     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really would not appreciate someone thinking about a way to entertain my child on my trip and then giving me the tools and instructions for her idea. That's incredibly presumptuous and over the line. Go mind your own business please.


This.

You know, reading this thread and thinking about my own experience, one of the things that strike me is that a lot of people don't want to let new moms figure stuff out on their own. So much of the advice you get is couched as "Oh well, I wasn't sure if you knew about this so..." and the problem is that whether you knew or not, this kind of interference takes away your opportunity to come to things on your own.

The problem is that the process of trial and error and figuring it out as a mom is how you become a good mom. Full stop. Even if you had a sister or IL or friend who really did have all the answers, it wouldn't do you any good for that person to just tell you everything you need to know about taking care of your kid and even gave you all the tools you needed. Because becoming a good parent is about developing your instinct and your knowledge of your own kid, and reaching a level of comfort with figuring things out and making decisions.

That's why is so annoying when people come in with that the "Oh, have you tried.." and "well, let me show you how..." or giving you toys and products you didn't ask for. It's just not really what you need.

The most universally helpful thing you can give a new mom is emotional support. Even if it's just saying "Hey, just wanted you know I think you're doing great. You're so good with him." That is so much more valuable than a million little gifts (that you now need to sort and organize and send thank you cards for). And it's free! If your love language is gifts, try giving the gift of support.

Also, bonus: letting someone figure things out on their own so that they can acquire the confidence and joy of mastery that comes with that process is also one of the best things you can do for your kids. So when you support a new mom by backing off and letting her figure it out, you are actually also demonstrating good parenting. A gift that keeps on giving!


This is totally off topic, but as a first time mom of a 6 week old this PP almost made me cry. You are spot on. I have been so overwhelmed with advice since announcing my pregnancy and I wish people would just let me experience this on my own without trying to steamroll my thoughts and actions and just let me experience these things on my own for the very first time. I smile and politely say “oh I’ll have to try that!” but I wish people would let me just try things on my own without feeling the need to coparent.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2021 13:16     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Have fun stuff like wrapped figurines with you when you visit or when they visit you. It can be your bonding "thing" with your nephew. I had a babysitter when I was little who always arrived with some cool new activity or toy to play with. Then she took them back home with her which was fine. I always knew she'd come back with something neat the next time she babysat.

Stop offering advice.


This, but ask your SIL's permission to play with those things with your nephew. You don't know his individual needs and some kids are more prone to put things in their mouth, choke and make poor decisions. She will tell you if it is appropriate for her kid even if you plan to supervise and take it home with you. You need to respect her role as a mother and expert on her child and never, ever give unsolicited advice.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 21:32     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Have fun stuff like wrapped figurines with you when you visit or when they visit you. It can be your bonding "thing" with your nephew. I had a babysitter when I was little who always arrived with some cool new activity or toy to play with. Then she took them back home with her which was fine. I always knew she'd come back with something neat the next time she babysat.

Stop offering advice.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 19:16     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you give a gift to your nephew, it shouldn't be on your SIL to use it / dispose of it / thank you for it. That's a burden to her, not a gift. I find it interesting that you think your SIL is rude for not thanking you for these, but you don't seem to have the same expectations of your brother. Why should it be her job, and not his?


This is awful. The entitled responses on here are truly horrifying. These PPs feel everyone must read their minds. They have no time to deal with well meaning relatives or to say thank you. Their time is too precious! They have so many things, gifts are a bother!

Were you all raised in a barn? Good grief

You always say thank you if you know the gift was given with love. It takes very little time these days to say thank you. You are within your rights to ask not to receive gifts, you don’t have to use the gift. But if you know it was well meant and is not some passive aggressive thing, which is not the case here, you frickin say thank you. Now that they have made specific requests about gifts, those can be honored.

It’s not clear if the brother says thanks for gifts to the nephew but the SIL is rude not to acknowledge a gift given directly to her whether she likes it or not. SIL is rude and insecure. Don’t bother offering her advice or gifts, OP. She clearly doesn’t appreciate where you are coming from. I don’t give a rats tookus how insecure she is, the rudeness is not excusable. As you can see many of us can tell you how she might take it the wrong way, but I can’t imagine being so prickly to a well-meaning relative.

Talk to your brother directly about things your nephew might like or go from their list when it’s an expected time for gifts, like a birthday. If you want, set the money aside you would use on other gifts and later you can give it to your nephew for college or something. What an amazing thing that would be. But don’t waste your time on SIL.


+1. I like the idea of putting the money aside as a gift for them later.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 16:28     Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:If someone gives me bath bombs, all I can think about is what a pain it's going to be to clean the bathtub after using.

I think the snarky comment to her about how she already knows all of the best toddler games would have put me over the edge.

Are you sure you aren't the one who has the problem with her vs. the other way around?


+1

You sound a little passive aggressive, OP.

Like PP, I find your comment back about SIL “knowing all the best stuff” pretty snarky, but I guess your point was to know more than she does,

As far as the charm bracelet, that sounds like a really personal gift best given to her by her husband, BFF, or in conjunction with her input so she could find the charms that are meaningful to her. Aside from that, it’s not really a practical gift for a new mother.

You also seem to have the same annoying trait as so many people who claim their love language is gift giving, in that you don’t really care to hear what makes the other person happy, as long as you are happy and receive your due praise and adulation over how much time and effort you put into it.

Gift giving is supposed to be done FOR THE RECIPIENTS HAPPINESS, not the giver’s. If you really to be happy, you’d buy the $20 underpants without question, because that is truly what they are asking for and want.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 16:07     Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
OP - if your brother asks for advice --- you're having a conversation. You give him advice. Then. In the moment. You do not give SIL advice.
Lots of people are "blase" about gifts. You should do what they want.

And, it's not... "a way of saying"
Something is either said, or it's not. You are not entitled to take offense if something *is not* said

Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 15:24     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
DH's sister has always driven me slightly nuts and I feel completely petty about it so keep my mouth shut as much as possible. She is the classic younger sister, baby of the family, must be the center of attention, must have her opinion heard, but is sweet and ultimately well-intentioned. I have always felt that her gift-giving comes from a place of needing to be seen as the BEST GIFT GIVER. She will obsess over the perfect, most effusive gift. I feel incredibly awkward about a custom portrait based on our wedding photos and would rather have a gift card. I hate the pressure of displaying or wearing a personal gift. When our kids came along it became completely absurd, to the point that her gifts outdid Santa.

I just note this because if OPs SIL is a private, anxious, or introverted person she may feel OPs actions as a type of control and may not know how to manage it. I don't have any suggestions, because I end up gritting my teeth and complaining to DH in private, which isn't ideal obviously. Just food for thought.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 15:03     Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:
Foil?

Sorry, you lost all credibility.


This.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2021 15:02     Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the replies but can just tell you that it's mostlikely this:

Your brother is asking you for parenting advice and then when SIL has an opinion that is different that your brother, he uses you as his backup (Larla thinks X! Larla says that kids respond well to Y")

So your SIL associates you with making it harder for her to get her way on some parenting things.


My take on it is that the child may have some differences thus the discussion about sensory play and, god help us all, parents of kids with special needs get non stop judgement and "helpful" advice. Everyone around feels like they have the answers and that the parents are clearly incapable.