Anonymous wrote:Choose one of the suggestions that makes it clear that the reason you won't be her support is because she didn't support you during your divorce. And mention the text. Do not be vague.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Pp here. The husband is not abusive. The friend never once talked about their marital problems to me. Our kids were friends from preschool and we used to hang out when kids were younger. She would always say my son was her son’s best friend. Their divorce was recently finalized and she just moved out. I only know this because of DH. A mutual friend recently asked if I had spoken to her recently and I just said no. I didn’t want to spread gossip about their divorce. Mutual friend did say she has been MIA for a long time even before pandemic and I just agreed that she has been silent to me too. So I don’t think it it just me.

I hope your friend wasn't abusive but seeming like a nice guy and the wife not talking about it doesn't mean he wasn't. It is so humiliating to be the victim of abuse that you often keep silent about it. This is anonymous but I have only ever told a few people IRL that my ex slammed me against the wall several times and punched me in the stomach.

I hope they just drifted apart and noone was a jerk but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Pp here. The husband is not abusive. The friend never once talked about their marital problems to me. Our kids were friends from preschool and we used to hang out when kids were younger. She would always say my son was her son’s best friend. Their divorce was recently finalized and she just moved out. I only know this because of DH. A mutual friend recently asked if I had spoken to her recently and I just said no. I didn’t want to spread gossip about their divorce. Mutual friend did say she has been MIA for a long time even before pandemic and I just agreed that she has been silent to me too. So I don’t think it it just me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Yup. Two friends of mine remained friends with my ex after I told them he was emotionally abusive. Then I told them he was physically abusive too and they conveniently forgot and denied I had ever told them. But that was before they had daughters and decided they cared about women's issues. Pieces of crap.

I'm the PP above that you responded to, I just want to say I'm sorry. Being unseen, unheard, or hearing "We don't want to take sides, just want what's best for the kids" was the most disorienting and painful experience of my life. I felt like, if you DON'T take a side against abuse, you either

1. Condone abuse
or
2. Don't believe me

and it put me in the position of: Let me make this easy for you, i will take a side for you, if the above is who you are. I side against you and your "friendship"

Its still incredibly triggering, just reading the above about how its women's fault they are ghosted because we don't text back while our friends husbands are out drinking or cavorting with our ex spouses sets my teeth on edge.

I am sorry you experienced similar and hope that your life, like mine, is much better now. I see you and I believe you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been through something similar and my advice is no response.

The problem with responding, even to say "you hurt me and I can't help you right now" is that the other person won't see it that way. I totally agree with you and I think your ex-friend is being obtuse and selfish. But I'm sure she's convinced herself that you guys just "grew apart" or that she was somehow justified in what she did. So if you engage by explaining why you don't want to be her "divorce doula" (ha, that really is a great phrase), she will almost certainly get defensive and either lash out at you or try to engage you in a back and forth to convince you either that what she did wasn't so bad, or that she didn't realize she'd done something wrong, or that she's changed.

Whatever she's going through with her divorce is going to influence this, too. She's gonna have all these feelings over her divorce and they will overshadow her memory of what happened with you and her ability to think about your friendship critically. She's going to respond from a place of big feelings, many of which might be misplaced.

If I were in your position, I'd write a draft text or email of why you don't want to help her, and then not send it. Delete her text and move on with your awesome life. If you feel yourself unsure about this decision, you can go reread that draft of a response to remind you of why you decided not to engage.

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.