Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

So, you have three kids under 5 and you are away the whole day.

Can you hire your wife a personal trainer and a babysitter to watch the kids while she is working out?
Can you hire a chef to prepare and serve healthy meals for the whole family?

If the answers to above are no, you can’t afford a thin wife. Deal with it. Stop eating and sleeping and go earn more money. Or keep your demands to yourself.

I'm very confused as to why you think you need to TELL HER that her weight is a problem. Do you think she doesn't KNOW that she has gained weight? Why exactly do you feel that it's necessary to inform her of that fact.
Or is it the fact that you're no longer attracted to her that you feel the necessity to inform her of.
My husband is going bald. Should I tell him?

You think the best use of an hour before the children wake up is for her to exercise, not sleep?

When my two kids were very young my husband made very negative comments about my appearance. I really didn't have the time or energy to work out or take care of myself. I had gained some weight, I was very slightly overweight. When they were a little older and my lifestyle better supported it, I lost the weight and got in better shape. It would be better for our marriage if he'd kept it to himself and instead offered to help me make time to work out. (Not by suggesting I wake up earlier!) Or just said nothing and respected that being maximally attractive to him could not be my top priority at the moment. How you handle this type of thing is something she's going to remember far after the short term stresses of having very young kids are over.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't worry about 30-40 lbs. As a male I can't imagine 30-40 lbs changing my view of someone.

I like you

OP, you can speak to her about it rarely, like once a year. But you can not act any different towards her. How you act is important and is your responsibility. You can not find her less physically appealing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't. She knows she's gained weight; there's nothing you can tell her that's going to help. You either act like a man and live up to your vows or get out and let her move on without having someone who resents her.

I’m sure she would lose the weight once she’s back on the market !

I’m sure this will be her top priority as a single mother of three.

Anonymous wrote:You don't. She knows she's gained weight; there's nothing you can tell her that's going to help. You either act like a man and live up to your vows or get out and let her move on without having someone who resents her.

I’m sure she would lose the weight once she’s back on the market !

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read all comments but want to chime in that it is freaking rude to your family and irresponsible to get fat. I like it be ok to let the house get dirty and fall apart or the cars to get dirty and fall apart? No! So take care of your health and body! No excuses.

You make me want to consume a container of lard in front of your face.

LOL It would not upset me to see that, I wouldn't care. I am not married to you and it won't impact me if you are fat and weak and fatigued and plagued with western illnesses in your 50's.

Look maybe she is a little chunky and should lose some weight but more than that she is probably tired and fed up with the pandemic. She must have had the 10 month old right before the pandemic hit so any routine or plan she has went out the window. This is a stressful time for most of us. Give her a break. Give her some time. Be loving, encouraging. No where in your vows, did you both say that you’d stay under XX pounds. Plus if she too is essential then her job is probably busy and stressful. Do you take the kids on the weekends so she can sleep in or do you sleep in and she has to do it? Do you suggest family exercise outdoors like put the older ones in the stroller and carry the other and do some hikes or walks around the neighborhood— might not be for true exercise but to stay heart strong and for a break out of the house. Do you fix well balanced meals on your days off? Basically, are you showing her you care and want the best for her? For that matter, how much have you gained and are you still attractive to her?

I wouldn't worry about 30-40 lbs. As a male I can't imagine 30-40 lbs changing my view of someone.

Maybe you can shop? Keep healthy foods around, easily accessible. My kids eat veggie trays - only if I put it out however.
Do some of the cooking, preparing healthy meals.
Say the dr. put "you" on a diet and you need her help to follow it with certain meals and recipes.
Take her places like hiking.
Don't talk about her weight, she will never forgive you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Gosh. You ought to win a prize for your stellar insight. Yes, OP, forget about looking into why she overeats. See how well that works for your marriage.

I don't understand this teeth-gnashing. It's like someone asking why they gamble or take drugs or sleep with other people. Because it's fun! Because it feels good! Food is a pleasure. You overeat when you eat for pleasure and indulge.

Wow. You should speak at the next AAAP meeting. Your insight into the minds and psyches of your fellow humans is truly astonishing.

Anonymous wrote:
Gosh. You ought to win a prize for your stellar insight. Yes, OP, forget about looking into why she overeats. See how well that works for your marriage.

I don't understand this teeth-gnashing. It's like someone asking why they gamble or take drugs or sleep with other people. Because it's fun! Because it feels good! Food is a pleasure. You overeat when you eat for pleasure and indulge.

Anonymous wrote:My assumption is that something in the relationship went wrong and triggered the bulk of the weight gain. Maybe some other event. If the emotional issue(s) aren’t resolved, doubtful the weight will come off.

That's silly. I gained that much since we got married and I know why that was, three pregnancies, indulgent eating and not prioritizing fitness. It's not about any emotional issues or wrongs in the relationships. Come on. Calories in, calories out.

Also, I get where people are coming from with worth connected to sexual appeal but no one in the world yet figured out a way to manage sexual attraction. If something doesn't make a man hard, it just doesn't.