OP, let him be an asshole all by himself. Dont engage. Save your strength. use your anger productively to figure out the next steps, get through this, protect your kids. Either he will get his head out of his a$$ or he wont, but if you dont give him more fuel, then he has to look to himself and stop blaming you. Its a lot easier for him to blame you for being a bitch than it is for him to take responsibility (and honeslty vice versa) but if you dont engage, he's left with his own bs.

Get some individual counseling, you need a separate place to blow off steam and decide what you want.

Remember let him be an a$$ by himself is not the same as 'giving in.' You can't fight if one person doesn't engage. He's going to try to push your buttons, the most powerful thing you can do is simply let it slide.

You did the right thing this morning. It's important to lower the temperature and focus on the main goal - which is not to nitpick but to get out of that toxic situation, be it through repairing the relationship or divorce.
OP, I hear you on not being inclined to go to couple's therapy. The one reason you might want to consider it is to find a way to communicate with your H. If you get divorced, you'll still need a relationship to the father of the kids and therapy can help with that.
But the main priority is get a support system for you. And it cannot be DCUM. You need counseling for yourself ASAP. I saw that nobody answered to your question for therapist suggestions. Google some or start a different thread asking for suggestions. But please do get that help. Otherwise you won't get out of the huge hole you find yourself in.

OP here. Everything feels so hard. Like a battle. Nitpicking. I had to work really hard this morning to change my response and mindset.

First interaction this morning: "So you're responsible for groceries, right? It's really frustrating that there's nothing in here to eat. There's no sausage, breakfast meat, etc and I have to cobble something makeshift for me and kids today." Me: "There are eggs, oatmeal, fruit, waffles. Is there nothing in there ,or is there nothing you like/want?" DH: "You're missing my point. If theres stuff that I want to eat, will you add that to the grocery list, or do I have to go get it myself. I will, I guess, but if you cited groceries as one of your expenses/tasks, then it would be nice if you got stuff that I like and not just for you and kids."

I took a deep breath.

I wanted to say so badly: go f yourself. first of all, that's a really rude way to interact with someone first thing in the morning. bad energy and tone to start the day. second: what do you do to provide for the family? you're so transparent- upset because i pushed back on your request to use kid savings account money for your share of an expense- so now you are trying to nitpick, criticize, and get out of another expense. I feel like I cover so much of the family load: mental (remembering to now buy certain additional breakfast items for you) and financial.

I actually said: There is a lot of food in the fridge, but maybe it's food that you don't like, or you'd prefer something specific for breakfast. Write it on the board and I'll add it to the list.

I would have had a TOTALLY different reaction if he, in a kind caring voice said: "Thanks for getting groceries every week. I appreciate it. Could you please add xyz to this list? Thanks."

I'm just being honest here and this has turned into a journal for me. It's not pretty and flowery. I really wanted to push back. But for today in this moment, I decided to just say yes, and see if that avoided another fight/took down the temperature.

I don't know if this has left me feeling pleased for changing my mindset and response, or taken advantage of, again .

It sounds to me like this resentment has been building for a long time on your side. I personally get where you are coming from and would feel much as you do. But the main question you need to answer for yourself is — do I want to keep this marriage?

From the way he acts I am guessing he feels victimized by your resentment, accusations/ criticism etc. He doesn’t feel valued and appreciated by you. That’s why he is lashing out with blame and defensiveness. He probably has a lot of issues to sort out himself. But the problem is that he isn’t going to do that while he is in defiance mode.

It doesn’t matter who is “right” about all this. Just tell him that he’s right, this is v stressful on both of us, we need to get childcare and each pay for our share of it. If he doesn’t agree to ending that fight with a practical solution then you will need to discuss in counseling.

As for the bigger picture, I’m guessing he has some real mommy issues and you have some unresolved childhood issues as well around taking too much responsibility for others and not focusing on your own well being. Those take time to unpack. If you’re both willing, you can look at the relationship from a more objective perspective and see what you want or don’t want. As wearying and annoying as this period with young children is, I can tell you that you’re nearly at the end of it and new parenting challenges will come up: the team roles and who contributes what might shift.

In the meantime, do what you need to do to make your own life a bit easier. You may need to learn that you’re the only one who can do that for yourself. Shift from a mindset of being responsible for everything to asking yourself how to fill your cup first. Maybe it means taking a sick day. Maybe it means hiring help. Maybe it means putting the kids in front of a nature documentary, ordering take out, and sitting in the bath by yourself for 20 minutes. Or maybe it’s just lying in bed and talking to yourself with some kindness and compassion. Whatever you can do to care for yourself will help alleviate some of the resentment you feel from not being cared for in this marriage. Underneath what you’re saying about him, what I hear is a little voice saying that you wish you could be taken care of. Honor that voice and what it’s telling you, and maybe you’ll start to see that he is doing some things right (or maybe not — but you will just see it and accept it, not resent it).

Anonymous wrote:Another poster following along. Hugs to you OP. You've received some good advice here and you seem to be on the right path: therapy for you, childcare solution, couple's therapy. And yes, I do agree with you that your H is gaslighting you. You sound burnt out and he sounds like an egotistical asshole.

Op here. Thanks. I’m doubting everything now. He’s not speaking to me, glaring looks etc. I dont know what to do. The thought of couples therapy and more talking fighting dealing with his attitude makes me feel nauseous. The way he’s treated me makes me so profoundly angry. The thought of walking away and blowing up my kids lives makes me feel nauseous.

Another poster following along. Hugs to you OP. You've received some good advice here and you seem to be on the right path: therapy for you, childcare solution, couple's therapy. And yes, I do agree with you that your H is gaslighting you. You sound burnt out and he sounds like an egotistical asshole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP. I feel at sp?)times like he is gaslighting me; like with the weeknd schedule/kids slept in late thing. I have even more gaslit/gaslighted? on here...with people saying his lack of employment wasn't the issue, but rather my reaction to/feeling about it.

Frankly, you’re difficult to empathize with. The recommendation for individual counseling is sound.

Op here. Does anyone have a rec for an individual therapist doing virtual appts?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP. I feel at sp?)times like he is gaslighting me; like with the weeknd schedule/kids slept in late thing. I have even more gaslit/gaslighted? on here...with people saying his lack of employment wasn't the issue, but rather my reaction to/feeling about it.

Not saying if your husband is or isn’t, but FTR people on this board presenting you with observations from a totally disinterested perspective, based on your own side of the story, are not “gaslighting” you, even if they’re telling you something you don’t want to hear...

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP. I feel at sp?)times like he is gaslighting me; like with the weeknd schedule/kids slept in late thing. I have even more gaslit/gaslighted? on here...with people saying his lack of employment wasn't the issue, but rather my reaction to/feeling about it.

Frankly, you’re difficult to empathize with. The recommendation for individual counseling is sound.

NP. Your husband is gross OP, I’m sorry. He lost any sympathy with me for wanting to take money from *his kid* to cover a personal discretionary expense. He will not be getting another cushy, flashy job because lazy people with entitlement issues are a dime a dozen (and this personality trait didn’t just emerge— there is a reason he was laid off). Yes get childcare. Maybe get counseling. But ultimately decide for yourself (maybe with a therapist) how long you’re going to tolerate an additional dependent, bearing in mind the longer it goes on the more likely you’ll have to pay him spousal support...