Anonymous
01/09/2021 18:33
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
We had no student loans, credit card debit, or car payments. We spent half of what we could on a house. I changed jobs 3 years prior to having the kid because my old company’s maternity leave was a joke. I used a daycare in the neighborhood instead of a nanny and live across the street from the elementary school. I’m fully remote (regardless of pandemic), so no commute. I built a gym in the house so I can work out during my lunch breaks.
It was a lot of planning in the years leading up. Don’t let people make you feel bad for asking these questions and trying to sort out your lifestyle. You’re being smart and making sure you don’t put yourself and your family in a bad or unhappy position.
It was a lot of planning in the years leading up. Don’t let people make you feel bad for asking these questions and trying to sort out your lifestyle. You’re being smart and making sure you don’t put yourself and your family in a bad or unhappy position.
Anonymous
01/09/2021 18:23
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:LOL! $200K is a lot of money. You hire a nanny or you send your child to daycare. It's not hard.
I don't think it's really easy to hire a nanny on $200K pre-tax. You are paying the nanny at least $40K for full time. You can do it for a few years but won't have a lot left for savings or extras. Daycare is fine, but I don't think it makes things easy. The drop-off/ pick-up takes extra time in the day, and it's hard when the child gets sick and you have to stay home from work. You don't have a lot of time left over each day to manage all of the household things, so then you outsource cleaning, and that costs more money. It works out for most families, but I wouldn't say it's all easy.
Anonymous
01/09/2021 18:11
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s genius because she outsourced basically everything her life: parenting, cooking, cleaning...while just working from home!
Didn’t realize sending your kids to school/daycare was called outsourcing parenting. You seem jealous. I would love to be able to spend my 4 hours a day with my kids just hanging out and not doing the dinner / pickup / commute scramble.
What percentage of working moms have left the workforce since the start of this pandemic? Yeah! We all are doing the best that we can because there are no govt and corporate policies to make things better for parents and women.
Sorry, I am not going to defend my desire to continue working or parent my kids the way I parented. I am wholly satisfied with having my kids at home with a nanny and my mom. Yes, I could have saved thousands if I would have let my mom babysit my kids, but I did not want to tax my mom at her age. The fact that there were two or three people to look after my kids and my house, and my mom had to only supervise with a lot of help was great for my family. In fact , it also helped my DH because he had the flexibility of getting more career enhancing credentials even after we had two kids. However, all of this cost us a lot of money to outsource and we did have to dial down on material things like expensive home or expensive cars etc.
Anonymous
01/09/2021 17:57
Subject: Re:Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not miserable at all. Key factors:
- WFH 2x a week, fairly flexible hours the rest of the week to avoid traffic
- A great nanny, and a Mom nearby who could be around and help
Oh, AND
- An equal partner with respect to childcare and housework
+1
I have been able to work remotely for years. My mom lives with us and I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a week and a cooking/prep lady who comes for 3 hours on the weekend.
When kids were little, a nanny came and worked under the eagle eye of my mom. When they were 3 years old, we put them in a Montessori school (paid full time, but used it 1/2 day for socialization only). Nanny came for part of the day. Mom supervised. I had basically 4 backups for childcare. Me, my mom, nanny and Montessori school.
DH is very involved dad and does not hesitate to help or to shell the money out to outsource.
Kids are in HS now, and I still have the cleaning lady come. My cooking person now cooks and delivers...slightly more work and inconvenience during the pandemic but no where near what employed people without childcare are facing.
Oh, also, for very long time, all my earnings was going towards paying for help...All. this was for years. We do not live in an expensive neighborhood of MoCo.
How did your kids turn out? This sounds genius.
My kids have turned out great. They do well in school, they are social, their mental health is great, they are self-motivated and chilled. They have lots of adults around them at home. While they don't need to do anything to help at home if they choose, they are actually quite self-sufficient in adulting too thanks to my mom (can cook, clean, do laundry, drive car, iron clothes, manage their medical appointments). All of this worked because I had my mom living with me and she could supervise my home, and I mommy tracked and got a flexible job. We were very lucky that things worked out for us and there were no special circumstance or dysfunction to derail all of this. We prioritized kids, family and continuation of my career. We compromised majorly on where we lived, our lifestyle, our savings and having a multi-generational household.
Anonymous
01/09/2021 14:55
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
I understand your anxiety, but you will adapt as everyone else does. Your life will change dramatically with your first and much less with subsequent children (because your life will already be geared toward a child).
I used to have so much time for myself, we used to party at night, stay up late watching movies, meeting friends on weekend etc. you will still be able to do all those things, but it will require preparation. When kids are little especially, you will have to plan a lot and you won’t be able to be spontaneous much.
You will be fine, everyone does it... try to get as much help as you can (even if you stay at home) for the first couple of months...
I used to have so much time for myself, we used to party at night, stay up late watching movies, meeting friends on weekend etc. you will still be able to do all those things, but it will require preparation. When kids are little especially, you will have to plan a lot and you won’t be able to be spontaneous much.
You will be fine, everyone does it... try to get as much help as you can (even if you stay at home) for the first couple of months...
Anonymous
01/09/2021 14:39
Subject: Re:Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
It sucks. I have a 10 and 8 year olds. No family in area. DH and both work. I'm telling you pre kids I was type A strong networker, I was really successful. Now I could care less about my job I just need to make x amt and have to stop working at x time during the wks to carpool duty. Both our kids are travel sports and it's one parent per kid. I have a boy and girl who are really different and my son has ADHD. Let me tell you it's harder when they are older. All that lean in stuff is bullshit. All the families I know either have hired help or family to help. Or one parent stays home or PT. There is NO way we could do this without one of us having great flexibility and we both have signed up for it meaning we have financial stability but neither of us have upward career mobility. One of us could but the other world not be able to. Flexibility is paramount.
I also know parents who outsource help to the point their kid has separation anxiety since it's so rare seeing their parent. I don't think it's worth it personally. When they are young it's easier esp if you have money. I had 2 nannies incl one who overnight our kids on weekends if we needed some time. It was glorious. But now older you can do sleepovers and such. But it's also harder since you can't just have someone take care of them - you're gonna have to cook all the meals yourself! Lol
I think for some people parenting is easier than others. For us it's really hard and miserable. We make a ton of money but after camps, family vacations, activities, pvt school, we always seem to be screaming at our lack of funds. It depends on your kids too. We were lucky in certain ways - our kids are great sleepers for example. No potty training drama, no allergies, etc. but it's always something with a kid just remember. Our kids seem great but for us it's picky eating. It's ADHD. It's a strong willed kid.
Have kids and enjoy them as we love ours but know it takes a village and living near family who may help you is priceless. The early years are easier even though you won't believe me now. Hire help and you'll be fine but plan for the older years before 14, 15 when you really have to be around and even later in teens when it's so important to mentally be there even if physically they are fine on own.
I also know parents who outsource help to the point their kid has separation anxiety since it's so rare seeing their parent. I don't think it's worth it personally. When they are young it's easier esp if you have money. I had 2 nannies incl one who overnight our kids on weekends if we needed some time. It was glorious. But now older you can do sleepovers and such. But it's also harder since you can't just have someone take care of them - you're gonna have to cook all the meals yourself! Lol
I think for some people parenting is easier than others. For us it's really hard and miserable. We make a ton of money but after camps, family vacations, activities, pvt school, we always seem to be screaming at our lack of funds. It depends on your kids too. We were lucky in certain ways - our kids are great sleepers for example. No potty training drama, no allergies, etc. but it's always something with a kid just remember. Our kids seem great but for us it's picky eating. It's ADHD. It's a strong willed kid.
Have kids and enjoy them as we love ours but know it takes a village and living near family who may help you is priceless. The early years are easier even though you won't believe me now. Hire help and you'll be fine but plan for the older years before 14, 15 when you really have to be around and even later in teens when it's so important to mentally be there even if physically they are fine on own.
Anonymous
01/08/2021 21:30
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
LOL! $200K is a lot of money. You hire a nanny or you send your child to daycare. It's not hard.
Anonymous
01/07/2021 17:28
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don't get a lot of sleep as a parent, even when hey are older. In fact the toddler years are in many ways far easier than elementary years.
So how exactly do you plan the day to work? Here's how we did it in the before times
2 kids , one in elementary one, one in daycare.
DW gets up at 5am and goes to work early, getting to work by 6am. Works till about 3pm, solid day of work, then is at school soon after release (but kids are still in extended day) and picks up from daycare. Takes kids to after school activity such as soccer practice or scouts, then gets home and cooks a very simple dinner like mac and cheese and steamed brocolli.
DH gets up at 6am, makes lunches, probably cleans up from the night before, and then kids get up at 7am. Head out at 8 to do 2 drop offs, elem is kiss and ride but preschooler is a much more involved walking in, reading a book, hugs process. Drives to work and arrives around 9am, works until 6pm.
Most everyone aims to be home by 6:30 - 7:00 PM, but one parent has to be home much earlier if you want to spend any time with your kids.
Dinner as a family is ideal, but DH sometimes misses it and eats after we are already finished.
Then we spend time in the evenings together, talking about the day, probably helping with homework, doing chores like cleaning up dishes, laundry, washing lunch boxes, picking up toys.
Then 8:00PM is the bedtime routine (some kids are earlier) and kids are asleep by 8:30 - 9:00 PM.
DW essentially goes to bed then, because a 5am wakeup means a 10pm bedtime is still only 7 hours of sleep.
DH often stays up to do a few more chores or putter around as men are wont to do, and is in bed by 11pm-12pm.
Rinse and repeat this over the week, some days DH leaves work early b/c two activities for two kids at same time, and either makes up time in evening or takes annual leave.
Weekends are largely consumed with some big activity (soccer game, day trip to apple picking, etc), grocery shopping, household cleaning, yardwork and home reparis, church, and family board game or movies, and some trips or walks as family.
Date nights happen saturday night when we hire a sitter to watch the kids at 7pm and we head out for dinner and entertainment.
No nearby family. No money for a nanny/au pair.
Its definitely a slog; summers are actually worse because of the patchwork of camps you have to build your schedule against.
So does this sound "bad"? If so, plan accordingly. I've been trying to talk my spouse into one of us SAH and moving to some far excurb. Remaining working spouse would have super commute, but I honestly that would be less exhausting for everyone. But our aggregate wealth would be much much lower, which can affect retirement, support for our kids in the future, etc.
I am a parent of two (tween/teen), and other than when they were babies, I have always gotten plenty of sleep.
Anonymous
01/06/2021 14:58
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:You don't get a lot of sleep as a parent, even when hey are older. In fact the toddler years are in many ways far easier than elementary years.
So how exactly do you plan the day to work? Here's how we did it in the before times
2 kids , one in elementary one, one in daycare.
DW gets up at 5am and goes to work early, getting to work by 6am. Works till about 3pm, solid day of work, then is at school soon after release (but kids are still in extended day) and picks up from daycare. Takes kids to after school activity such as soccer practice or scouts, then gets home and cooks a very simple dinner like mac and cheese and steamed brocolli.
DH gets up at 6am, makes lunches, probably cleans up from the night before, and then kids get up at 7am. Head out at 8 to do 2 drop offs, elem is kiss and ride but preschooler is a much more involved walking in, reading a book, hugs process. Drives to work and arrives around 9am, works until 6pm.
Most everyone aims to be home by 6:30 - 7:00 PM, but one parent has to be home much earlier if you want to spend any time with your kids.
Dinner as a family is ideal, but DH sometimes misses it and eats after we are already finished.
Then we spend time in the evenings together, talking about the day, probably helping with homework, doing chores like cleaning up dishes, laundry, washing lunch boxes, picking up toys.
Then 8:00PM is the bedtime routine (some kids are earlier) and kids are asleep by 8:30 - 9:00 PM.
DW essentially goes to bed then, because a 5am wakeup means a 10pm bedtime is still only 7 hours of sleep.
DH often stays up to do a few more chores or putter around as men are wont to do, and is in bed by 11pm-12pm.
Rinse and repeat this over the week, some days DH leaves work early b/c two activities for two kids at same time, and either makes up time in evening or takes annual leave.
Weekends are largely consumed with some big activity (soccer game, day trip to apple picking, etc), grocery shopping, household cleaning, yardwork and home reparis, church, and family board game or movies, and some trips or walks as family.
Date nights happen saturday night when we hire a sitter to watch the kids at 7pm and we head out for dinner and entertainment.
No nearby family. No money for a nanny/au pair.
Its definitely a slog; summers are actually worse because of the patchwork of camps you have to build your schedule against.
So does this sound "bad"? If so, plan accordingly. I've been trying to talk my spouse into one of us SAH and moving to some far excurb. Remaining working spouse would have super commute, but I honestly that would be less exhausting for everyone. But our aggregate wealth would be much much lower, which can affect retirement, support for our kids in the future, etc.
The key part to the above schedule is BOTH partners are involved and work together to make this work. It can be hard at times, but its not awful all of the time.
Anonymous
01/06/2021 12:52
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are in our late 20s, both want to have a child, and are thinking about TTC sometime soon. The catch, if you will, is that we both work full time, our income is divided fairly evenly, and we are not high earners (about $200k HHI in close in suburbs). Technically I could stay home but it would be extremely difficult financially. With that said, I can’t wrap my head around the logistics of two full time careers (in normal times - pandemic would hopefully be in rear view mirror by time we have a baby) and a baby. Adults need sleep to drive to work safely and then actually do their job, and it seems like a full nights sleep is not a thing for many people until a long time in. There’s also the disruption - we recently had a home repair emergency that required me to suddenly take time off at work, which caused me to fall way behind and have to work crazy hours to make up for what I missed.
I’m kind of rambling, but I’m just scared and confused because I don’t feel like two working parents and a baby are compatible unless you just accept that things are going to be really miserable for a while. Am I being dramatic or does this make sense?
Yes you are being dramatic and sort of precious about this. People do this every single day, hundreds of thousands of them. Are you only comfortable when things are perfect? Are you intolerant of any sort of disruption? Then definitely do not have a baby.
Anonymous
01/06/2021 11:28
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s genius because she outsourced basically everything her life: parenting, cooking, cleaning...while just working from home!
Didn’t realize sending your kids to school/daycare was called outsourcing parenting. You seem jealous. I would love to be able to spend my 4 hours a day with my kids just hanging out and not doing the dinner / pickup / commute scramble.
Anonymous
01/06/2021 11:12
Subject: Re:Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
FT WOHM (during non-pandemic times) of two with HHI of $325 (less when my first was born) here who is most certainly not miserable nor exhausted. Here's what makes my life work:
1) When my older DC was 1.5 I switched jobs. The new (and still my current) job is low stress and flexible. I leave my work at the office door everyday at 4:30 (I don't even so much as check emails in the evening). This job change is the number one key to my current happines above all else. I truly enjoy my job and it's still in my field, requires my advanced degree, etc. , but a more ambitious or career-oriented person than myself might not be as fulfilled. (It's also a very intellectual, cerebral kind of position.) I did forgo a lot of earning potential. Again, no regrets, but YMMV.
2) DH is an amazing husband and father -- he does a fair and equitable portion of household and childcare taks. It is not 50/50 -- I do more -- but it is absoltuely fair given that DH works much longer and more stressful hours and has a longer commute. He genuinely wants to spend time with the family and contribute; I don't need to "ask for his help' or "nag" or blah blah.
3) Great childcare. We did a nanny share for my first -- actually quite affordable and worked out nicely, and our own nanny when the second came around plus part-time preschool mixed in too. This was certainly expensive, but worth every penny, and the childcare years of course don't last forever. Our nanny is an angel! And if something falls through on the childcare front, my job is flexible (see number 1) such that it is NBD if I need to take off. Our nanny is also pretty much always available to babysit for date nights, etc. I do not have any family nearby, but thanks to numbers 1-3 combined, it's fine.
4) Sleep training -- at 4 months we began sleep training both of my DCs, and by 6 months for the first, and 7 months for the 2nd, they were sleeping through the night with no regressions since. I actually get more sleep as a parent than I did before because now I prioritize it.
5) Outsourcing - we have a bi-weekly cleaning lady and have used grocery delivery since my first was born. Lots of amazon delivery too, and I'm a great meal planner.
Responses on threads like these skew to the miserable. I have a circle of working-mom friends who are similarly happy and found their own recipe for making it work. Obviously, $$ helps.
I'd love more time for hobbies, to read, etc., but that will resume again in another season of my life...
1) When my older DC was 1.5 I switched jobs. The new (and still my current) job is low stress and flexible. I leave my work at the office door everyday at 4:30 (I don't even so much as check emails in the evening). This job change is the number one key to my current happines above all else. I truly enjoy my job and it's still in my field, requires my advanced degree, etc. , but a more ambitious or career-oriented person than myself might not be as fulfilled. (It's also a very intellectual, cerebral kind of position.) I did forgo a lot of earning potential. Again, no regrets, but YMMV.
2) DH is an amazing husband and father -- he does a fair and equitable portion of household and childcare taks. It is not 50/50 -- I do more -- but it is absoltuely fair given that DH works much longer and more stressful hours and has a longer commute. He genuinely wants to spend time with the family and contribute; I don't need to "ask for his help' or "nag" or blah blah.
3) Great childcare. We did a nanny share for my first -- actually quite affordable and worked out nicely, and our own nanny when the second came around plus part-time preschool mixed in too. This was certainly expensive, but worth every penny, and the childcare years of course don't last forever. Our nanny is an angel! And if something falls through on the childcare front, my job is flexible (see number 1) such that it is NBD if I need to take off. Our nanny is also pretty much always available to babysit for date nights, etc. I do not have any family nearby, but thanks to numbers 1-3 combined, it's fine.
4) Sleep training -- at 4 months we began sleep training both of my DCs, and by 6 months for the first, and 7 months for the 2nd, they were sleeping through the night with no regressions since. I actually get more sleep as a parent than I did before because now I prioritize it.
5) Outsourcing - we have a bi-weekly cleaning lady and have used grocery delivery since my first was born. Lots of amazon delivery too, and I'm a great meal planner.
Responses on threads like these skew to the miserable. I have a circle of working-mom friends who are similarly happy and found their own recipe for making it work. Obviously, $$ helps.
I'd love more time for hobbies, to read, etc., but that will resume again in another season of my life...
Anonymous
01/06/2021 10:44
Subject: Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
2 careers, 3 kids. We are in a pandemic, and all 3 kids are home, and we are still working, and managing virtual school and a 3 year old. The only reason we can do this is because we both have flexible jobs and schedules and because we work from home. One works for the federal government, one works non-profit. We make 225K. The secret, in my opinion, is to find a job where you can work from home sometimes/all the time, and have 2 jobs that are flexible - meaning you can work at night sometimes, that you can easily take off for appointments, that neither parent is traveling tons and tons. And, reduce the commute if you can. This all makes having children and working doable and - most importantly - enjoyable.