Anonymous wrote:Equal time is not good for the kid. Do 50/50, but in reality, stop making the kids go back and fourth all the time. Nobody care who cheated or who beat whom.
I share custody with ex-DH. He was required to pay some minimum of $400 a month ($300 of which I promised to put into 529) and health insurance. Has never paid health insurance and is ca 3 years behind on this $400 a month.
Heck with it all. I'm happy the child can come and go when he wants the last 5 years or so, and has actually chosen to live with my sister and BIL. 50/50 was necessary to make DH, myself and court happy.
Once you have the 50/50, all should chill out.

This.This This.
I gave my cheating ex 60/40 per agreement. He was in affair fog and guilt tripping. Pretended to litigate for every second weekend and had him pay more for more custody. He has kid every weekend and one weekday per agreement. In actuality kid often asks to spend weekend with me or insists on inviting me over to weekend activities. Works fine with everyone - except his girlfriend aka reduced to side fling by this.
I know many women who tried to hold the kids hostage and litigated. All I see is they are caught in an endless toxic loop.
I have a spotlessly clean house when my boyfriend comes over for weekends and kid doesn't have to deal with an extra adult.

I was the sole caregiver and kid had no connection to cheating, drinking, absent dad. It was very hard for kid and me to suddenly change but with major encouragement from my side at least there is a normal, close connection with dad. I won't be singing the praises on him but whilst I resigned from the job of keeping him in balance as a spouse per his cheating, being forced to actually parent and spending so much time at kids weekends activities, managing tantrums and emotions and actually running a household has indeed made him into a tolerable person to be around. For me and kid that is. His girlfriend constantly gives him FLAK and I suppose he's making up all kind of stories to make me look bad. Who cares?

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Anonymous wrote:If a dad wants 50/50 but the mom only wants to 'give' him every other weekend, what would cause a judge to side with mom? Dad is involved, present, coaches, cooks, shops, does some social managing, etc. He travels some for work but only a few days a month if that. Commute is long but still gets home at a reasonable hour (6ish). Mom says her schedule is better since she works at one of their schools and closer to the others and home. Dad has been living on the property but in the guest house. Mom is claiming that makes her the primary parent since the kids are sleeping in the main house. Kids are teens and 10yo.

The guest house?! How much money do you people have?

Seriously. And if the dad wanted to move he’d move. I think he’s giving the girlfriend a bunch of excuses. And it sounds like she’s pushing for 50/50 custody so he doesn’t have to pay so much in child support, not because she (or he) has any actual interest in the kids being around more.

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his ex spent nearly two years going through a divorce. He wanted to move on so eventually gave in to a 60-40 split but that was the arguing point for a very, very long time. But I can see where that would be more disruptive to their child who already gets shuttled around a lot. I think what really bothers him is he didn’t think to ask for right of first refusal - so she’ll hire a sitter or have a friend watch their kid if she’s out on one of her nights and my brother would love to have their child more often. I think my ex SIL deeply loves their child and wants as much time as she can get, but my brother thinks a lot of it is about the money.

It’s a pretty typical was for non-custodial parents to demonize the custodial parent, and it’s so destructive.

My brother and his ex spent nearly two years going through a divorce. He wanted to move on so eventually gave in to a 60-40 split but that was the arguing point for a very, very long time. But I can see where that would be more disruptive to their child who already gets shuttled around a lot. I think what really bothers him is he didn’t think to ask for right of first refusal - so she’ll hire a sitter or have a friend watch their kid if she’s out on one of her nights and my brother would love to have their child more often. I think my ex SIL deeply loves their child and wants as much time as she can get, but my brother thinks a lot of it is about the money.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleeping arrangements has much to do with being the primary parent. "Primary parent" means the parent that does most of the childcare. Since the mom works at the school and the dad doesn't get home until 6, I imagine she is indeed the primary parent.

Oh, and when there are custody disputes, judges try to disturb the kids' lives as little as possible. If they were to live with the dad they would be without one of their parents until 6PM every night. That could be why.

But sometimes judges are kind of old school and think moms are better caretakers. Only every other weekend seems like not a lot of dad time to me. It's hard to say based on the facts here.

Somebody mentioned an AP. Family courts don't always count affairs against a parent in terms of custody. You can be a bad spouse but a good parent.

Many families with two working parents don't see their kids until 6 PM during the week. Our aftercare is open until 6:30. Pre-covid, I would usually pick up between 6 and 6:15 and there were plenty of kids still there.

I find it hard to believe that would be held against a parent.

It’s not being held against him as a judgment of his parenting. It would just be a factor in how much it would disrupt the kids lives if they were to live with their dad.

What I am saying is that I don't think that constitutes a "disruption" to their lives, at least not to warrant a deviation from 50-50 custody.

Do you have kids and know what their daily routines are actually like? 50/50 physical is really disruptive unless the parents do the nest thing.

No, it is not. Kids adapt. If you think it is bad you be the ncp.

My childhood friend was going back and forth between his parents home. After a while he flat out refused to pack his bag to go to the next house. His parents asked him to choose who he wanted to live with but he told them, at 10 years old, he’s not going to and they need to make a better plan. They did and he wound up staying with his mother more. He was happier.

One example. That is not ok. A 10 year old does not get it. If you advocate child goes with one parent, then that parent should fully provide and terminate the other parents rights as they are no longer a parent but in name only. In this parents choose and mom won as usual.

What a bizarre response.

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Anonymous wrote:Dad cheated but there is no AP in the picture. Mom ran up credit cards bills pretty heavily unknown to dad. So neither are wearing the white hat. Dad absolutely wants equal time. There is nothing 'horrific'.

Both of these fall under the definition of ‘horrific’.

Not as it applies to determining custody.

If these issues were brought up, a judge could determine that they speak to the trustworthiness of the parent.

No, or more moms would lose custody.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleeping arrangements has much to do with being the primary parent. "Primary parent" means the parent that does most of the childcare. Since the mom works at the school and the dad doesn't get home until 6, I imagine she is indeed the primary parent.

Oh, and when there are custody disputes, judges try to disturb the kids' lives as little as possible. If they were to live with the dad they would be without one of their parents until 6PM every night. That could be why.

But sometimes judges are kind of old school and think moms are better caretakers. Only every other weekend seems like not a lot of dad time to me. It's hard to say based on the facts here.

Somebody mentioned an AP. Family courts don't always count affairs against a parent in terms of custody. You can be a bad spouse but a good parent.

Many families with two working parents don't see their kids until 6 PM during the week. Our aftercare is open until 6:30. Pre-covid, I would usually pick up between 6 and 6:15 and there were plenty of kids still there.

I find it hard to believe that would be held against a parent.

It’s not being held against him as a judgment of his parenting. It would just be a factor in how much it would disrupt the kids lives if they were to live with their dad.

What I am saying is that I don't think that constitutes a "disruption" to their lives, at least not to warrant a deviation from 50-50 custody.

Do you have kids and know what their daily routines are actually like? 50/50 physical is really disruptive unless the parents do the nest thing.

No, it is not. Kids adapt. If you think it is bad you be the ncp.

My childhood friend was going back and forth between his parents home. After a while he flat out refused to pack his bag to go to the next house. His parents asked him to choose who he wanted to live with but he told them, at 10 years old, he’s not going to and they need to make a better plan. They did and he wound up staying with his mother more. He was happier.

One example. That is not ok. A 10 year old does not get it. If you advocate child goes with one parent, then that parent should fully provide and terminate the other parents rights as they are no longer a parent but in name only. In this parents choose and mom won as usual.

He’s not telling you the whole story. This resonates with you or you wouldn’t ask the internet.

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Anonymous wrote:Dad cheated but there is no AP in the picture. Mom ran up credit cards bills pretty heavily unknown to dad. So neither are wearing the white hat. Dad absolutely wants equal time. There is nothing 'horrific'.

Both of these fall under the definition of ‘horrific’.

Not as it applies to determining custody.

If these issues were brought up, a judge could determine that they speak to the trustworthiness of the parent.

Anonymous wrote:If a dad wants 50/50 but the mom only wants to 'give' him every other weekend, what would cause a judge to side with mom? Dad is involved, present, coaches, cooks, shops, does some social managing, etc. He travels some for work but only a few days a month if that. Commute is long but still gets home at a reasonable hour (6ish). Mom says her schedule is better since she works at one of their schools and closer to the others and home. Dad has been living on the property but in the guest house. Mom is claiming that makes her the primary parent since the kids are sleeping in the main house. Kids are teens and 10yo.

Can anyone specifically discuss Virginia because it seems they definitely DO NOT favor mom but 50/50 physical custody.

Anonymous wrote:If a dad wants 50/50 but the mom only wants to 'give' him every other weekend, what would cause a judge to side with mom? Dad is involved, present, coaches, cooks, shops, does some social managing, etc. He travels some for work but only a few days a month if that. Commute is long but still gets home at a reasonable hour (6ish). Mom says her schedule is better since she works at one of their schools and closer to the others and home. Dad has been living on the property but in the guest house. Mom is claiming that makes her the primary parent since the kids are sleeping in the main house. Kids are teens and 10yo.

The guest house?! How much money do you people have?

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleeping arrangements has much to do with being the primary parent. "Primary parent" means the parent that does most of the childcare. Since the mom works at the school and the dad doesn't get home until 6, I imagine she is indeed the primary parent.

Oh, and when there are custody disputes, judges try to disturb the kids' lives as little as possible. If they were to live with the dad they would be without one of their parents until 6PM every night. That could be why.

But sometimes judges are kind of old school and think moms are better caretakers. Only every other weekend seems like not a lot of dad time to me. It's hard to say based on the facts here.

Somebody mentioned an AP. Family courts don't always count affairs against a parent in terms of custody. You can be a bad spouse but a good parent.

Many families with two working parents don't see their kids until 6 PM during the week. Our aftercare is open until 6:30. Pre-covid, I would usually pick up between 6 and 6:15 and there were plenty of kids still there.

I find it hard to believe that would be held against a parent.

It’s not being held against him as a judgment of his parenting. It would just be a factor in how much it would disrupt the kids lives if they were to live with their dad.

What I am saying is that I don't think that constitutes a "disruption" to their lives, at least not to warrant a deviation from 50-50 custody.

Do you have kids and know what their daily routines are actually like? 50/50 physical is really disruptive unless the parents do the nest thing.

No, it is not. Kids adapt. If you think it is bad you be the ncp.

My childhood friend was going back and forth between his parents home. After a while he flat out refused to pack his bag to go to the next house. His parents asked him to choose who he wanted to live with but he told them, at 10 years old, he’s not going to and they need to make a better plan. They did and he wound up staying with his mother more. He was happier.

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Anonymous wrote:Mom wants the cash 🤣🤣🤣

Child support doesn’t even come close to supporting my kids’ lifestyles. It literally pays for two bills, maybe? A clever high earning ex will cook the books so his income is hidden and I learned long ago that it wasn’t worth fighting.

+1. It’s so funny when people assume women want more custody to get more child support. The extra money rarely fully offsets the increased cost of having the kids more days.

E size child support is based partly where the child sleeps each nigh. That is why there is usually a mid week that is not overnight.

Oops phone issue. Part of child support is based on where the child sleeps.

Anonymous wrote:Mom wants the cash 🤣🤣🤣

Child support doesn’t even come close to supporting my kids’ lifestyles. It literally pays for two bills, maybe? A clever high earning ex will cook the books so his income is hidden and I learned long ago that it wasn’t worth fighting.

You choose the lifestyle and can pay for any decisions you make in your home. It is supposed to cover dads portion of the basic needs. If you de ide child needs $100 sneakier vs 40, that’s on you.

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Anonymous wrote:Mom wants the cash 🤣🤣🤣

Child support doesn’t even come close to supporting my kids’ lifestyles. It literally pays for two bills, maybe? A clever high earning ex will cook the books so his income is hidden and I learned long ago that it wasn’t worth fighting.

+1. It’s so funny when people assume women want more custody to get more child support. The extra money rarely fully offsets the increased cost of having the kids more days.

E size child support is based partly where the child sleeps each nigh. That is why there is usually a mid week that is not overnight.