Anonymous wrote:I am 44 and she’s is 30. I love my sister, shes extremely intelligent, funny and generous. However, she can also be her manipulative. I think I am frustrated because it has been over a year since she went to the ER and I felt she was finally at a better place with all this medical drama. I do recognize that if she ends up having spinal surgery this is very serious. I am worried about her. This is going to sound terrible, but I feel like this is one those situations where she went from specialist to specialist until someone agreed something was wrong with her. We all have minor medical issues that if we had dozens of scans, and test run, they would find something too.

-OP

Hi OP, I am sorry that your sister has been suffering. It sounds like she may have a legitimate diagnosis to explain her symptoms. However,
as a medical professional, I can confirm: if you look hard enough, you WILL find something. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for patients with undiagnosable and/or functional disorders to undergo unnecessary interventions for incidental findings which are discovered during exhaustive workups. Seeing many different doctors, or doctor shopping, increases the likelihood of this. Most surgeons are judicious, but when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. These patients are suffering greatly, but the etiology of their suffering is often psychological. This doesn't make their suffering any less real or important, but it should change the approach to management.

I cannot say which category your sister belongs to, but I know as a professional and family member, providing constant attention and support can take a toll. Regardless of whether her illness is mainly physical or psychological, managing a chronic illness of any nature can take a psychological toll. Counseling, or medications, can similarly help both a functional fibromyalgia patient or a cancer patient cope with their physical and psychological distress. One can suggest therapy without implying "it's all in your head". Perhaps you could warmly encourage her to seek out therapeutic support to help her cope with her diagnosis (syrinx, chronic pain/headache/neuropathy, or otherwise).

FWIW, the sickest patients are often the most graceful. The worried well, on the other hand...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 44 and she’s is 30. I love my sister, shes extremely intelligent, funny and generous. However, she can also be her manipulative. I think I am frustrated because it has been over a year since she went to the ER and I felt she was finally at a better place with all this medical drama. I do recognize that if she ends up having spinal surgery this is very serious. I am worried about her. This is going to sound terrible, but I feel like this is one those situations where she went from specialist to specialist until someone agreed something was wrong with her. We all have minor medical issues that if we had dozens of scans, and test run, they would find something too.

-OP

Sorry, you're still an asshole. Spinal surgery is about as serious as it gets, toots.

you need to get laid, OP

Anonymous wrote:I realize I have made myself sound like an awful person. Perhaps I do hold some resentment towards her drama queen behavior that is making it hard for me to be sympathetic. Our relationship has always been one-sided with me constantly trying to talk her down, reassure and help her navigate life. I do need to push those feelings aside and be more supportive. Leave it do DCUM to hold people accountable.

-OP

PP. YOU ARE HER OLDER SISTER!!!! YOU HAVE A 14 YEAR AGE GAP!!!! YOU SHOULD BE HELPING HER, THAT ISN'T A ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is "issues" in quotes? Your sister has a legitimate health issue.

Honestly I think OP does too. Mental illness is a health issue. And there’s no way that a normal person would look at a person getting brain surgery for a years worth of medical problems and call them a drama queen.

Yeah, I'm starting to think that OP is incapable of empathy...sociopath?

Anonymous wrote:I am 44 and she’s is 30. I love my sister, shes extremely intelligent, funny and generous. However, she can also be her manipulative. I think I am frustrated because it has been over a year since she went to the ER and I felt she was finally at a better place with all this medical drama. I do recognize that if she ends up having spinal surgery this is very serious. I am worried about her. This is going to sound terrible, but I feel like this is one those situations where she went from specialist to specialist until someone agreed something was wrong with her. We all have minor medical issues that if we had dozens of scans, and test run, they would find something too.

-OP

Sorry, you're still an asshole. Spinal surgery is about as serious as it gets, toots.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're an asshole. I read your second sentence and immediately thought, "Pinched nerve? Something pressing on spine?"

She wants attention because nobody has cared about her, you idiot. You're the worst sister ever. She SHOULD be getting lots of attention and fussed over - she has something wrong with her spine and needs surgery. She's scared as hell and in tons of pain.

tend to agree with this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is "issues" in quotes? Your sister has a legitimate health issue.

Honestly I think OP does too. Mental illness is a health issue. And there’s no way that a normal person would look at a person getting brain surgery for a years worth of medical problems and call them a drama queen.

I think you mean health "issue".

"issues"

That says it all.

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Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

Uh, people most certainly CAN control their personality. One person didn't just suddenly wake up one morning and have a sunny personality while another is the complainer. These are patterns of behavior that have developed over years of acts. OP's sister has chosen to act the way she has and that has greatly contributed to the poor way people perceive her. She needs to own it and if she wants to change it then she needs to take the steps to do it. She isn't a feather in the wind and she needs to stop believing/acting like she is. She now has a diagnosis. She needs to own it and take charge to act on it to resolve her physical health issue.

And I'm not going to condemn OP because I understand her position. She has reacted the way most people probably have around OP's sister.

Are you a parent, PP? I think most parents recognize that their children were born with a personality, and it is pretty well understood by experts that personality is a fixed trait. Parenting and life experience can tinker around the edges, but the naturally sunny child will react to adversity differently than the anxious child.

+1

LOL. I have 7 kids. People, kids and adults, can certainly control their personalities. It is definitely not "understood by experts" as a fixed trait. Please educate yourselves. Here is a super easy read that will explain it to you. There is a lot of research to back this up.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201509/can-you-change-your-personality

Anonymous wrote:Must be nice to shame people up on that high horse of yours OP.

What you say is: "I am sorry I didnt listen to you before. I am sorry that I made you feel shamed or lonely or unsupported. I am willing to work on it. Do you need someone to come with you to your appointments to take notes so that you can focus on the doctor? How are you feeling"?

+100000000

OP, you have got to say something like this, and then follow through with it. Be supportive and caring! Wanting help when you have to have brain surgery is not attention seeking behavior.

Put yourself in your sister's shoes. Think, "If I had my health problems dismissed by my older sister for ages, and now I need major surgery, how would I feel?"

Anonymous wrote:Why is "issues" in quotes? Your sister has a legitimate health issue.

Honestly I think OP does too. Mental illness is a health issue. And there’s no way that a normal person would look at a person getting brain surgery for a years worth of medical problems and call them a drama queen.

Anonymous wrote:Why is "issues" in quotes? Your sister has a legitimate health issue.

This. OP, that said it all.

Her issues are real, and the examples you gave in your original post, a simple statement like "this is what its like.." was a terrible example of her being somehow over the top.

I tend to not believe you when you say you helped her navigate anything. Sounds like she was left largely on her own. And your'e supposed "talking her down" sounds like it refers only to talking her out of her symptoms meaning anything.

YOU were wrong about all of it. So were her doctors. Now her doctors are right. Will you be?

Im more confident in her abilities to navigate things than yours. Be a better person, if possible.

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Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

Uh, people most certainly CAN control their personality. One person didn't just suddenly wake up one morning and have a sunny personality while another is the complainer. These are patterns of behavior that have developed over years of acts. OP's sister has chosen to act the way she has and that has greatly contributed to the poor way people perceive her. She needs to own it and if she wants to change it then she needs to take the steps to do it. She isn't a feather in the wind and she needs to stop believing/acting like she is. She now has a diagnosis. She needs to own it and take charge to act on it to resolve her physical health issue.

And I'm not going to condemn OP because I understand her position. She has reacted the way most people probably have around OP's sister.

Are you a parent, PP? I think most parents recognize that their children were born with a personality, and it is pretty well understood by experts that personality is a fixed trait. Parenting and life experience can tinker around the edges, but the naturally sunny child will react to adversity differently than the anxious child.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things can be true: your sister had unremitting mysterious pain AND your sister has dramatic / high maintenance tendencies. Did you sister have these tendencies earlier/in other aspects of life or only with regard to this problem?

I agree with PP that you should try to be supportive w/o feeding the drama, starting with "I am so happy for you that you found an explanation. How can I help you get through the surgery?"

I agree with this. Just because the pain is real doesn't mean that everything else stops for everyone else. I say this as someone who lives in constant pain because of a car accident when I was a child. I have no right to disrupt others' lives with my complaints just because I hurt. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP's sister got that message. I see both sides of this and I don't think that OP is out of line in her wanting the sister to get a better handle on her emotions and to reel back the drama.

You don’t understand because people believed you since you had a car accident.

Not really. People who know me today know nothing about the accident because I haven't told them. I also don't tell them about the pain. My point is that some people wear their emotions on their skin and they feel that everyone has to know what they're feeling come hell or high water. And that isn't so. OP's sister has done as much damage to herself emotionally and her relationships with others by her actions as probably the health problem has done to her body.

You have no way of knowing this. People can't help having the personality they have anyway. But what you CAN tell from this thread is that OP has no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, so instead of criticizing a woman you don't know, why don't you condemn OP, who has shown you who she is?

Uh, people most certainly CAN control their personality. One person didn't just suddenly wake up one morning and have a sunny personality while another is the complainer. These are patterns of behavior that have developed over years of acts. OP's sister has chosen to act the way she has and that has greatly contributed to the poor way people perceive her. She needs to own it and if she wants to change it then she needs to take the steps to do it. She isn't a feather in the wind and she needs to stop believing/acting like she is. She now has a diagnosis. She needs to own it and take charge to act on it to resolve her physical health issue.

And I'm not going to condemn OP because I understand her position. She has reacted the way most people probably have around OP's sister.

Are you a parent, PP? I think most parents recognize that their children were born with a personality, and it is pretty well understood by experts that personality is a fixed trait. Parenting and life experience can tinker around the edges, but the naturally sunny child will react to adversity differently than the anxious child.

OMG OP.


Beg for forgiveness, and offer for help in every way you can. Your relationship with your sister needs to be fixed pronto.