Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

Um, that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a pandemic going on. No one is cheating with people they are not bubbling with.

She is bored and tried out something new. Are you always so narrow minded and suspicious.

OP here, I am not narrow minded. In fact, I have raised the idea of exploring non-monogamy because I don't see the situation as sustainable long-term. But anyway, I wouldn't have been suspicious if she mentioned it as a "hey honey" but more that I found it. Zero chance she did it to spice things up.

You are half right. Yes: the situation is not sustainable. No: she does not get to vote on your non-monogamy solution to her uninterested-sexless problem. If she’s not on board with a normal active sex life, simply declare your marriage open. Asexuals cannot have fidelity when partnered with a normal person.

This is not true. I groom for myself and take a bubble bath daily and use expensive lotion. Doing this for me.
Sounds like OP's wife has already declared it open... for her. Come on now. No one grooms for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

OP here, thanks for this. It's what makes this tough, do I throw in the towel on an otherwise fine marriage with kids that are thriving if my libido is going to subside at some point? Some days the answer seems obvious both ways.

To the PP as to why she won't do counseling, she thinks its worthless since she sees the relationship as fine except for my wanting more sex and having a counselor reminding her she needs to have sex is more pressure and counter-productive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Guy here. Similar situation, but I'm now almost 50. Early and mid-40s were the worst for libido mismatch. She wasn't interested at all, and I was very interested -- the scarcity of sex made my libido even more insistent. Just a bad dynamic. I endured, upped my porn usage, and my libido has decreased as I hit the late 40s. Now I don't mind as much, and our marriage is pretty good. (The fundamentals other than sex were always pretty solid.)

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot

Then they should divorce ASAP. Then, they can both find someone who finds them attractive. Or, they can spend years filling their family with the darkness that is growing in their marriage.

The DH has offered a number of ways to help. If she does not think anything he does is hot, she can free him to find someone that does find him so.

Oh, well, not for you to decide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker

You are enjoying thinking she’s cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she have a gyn appointment recently? Totally normal to groom before you go to the gyn.

Also normal to cut it short every once in a while.

Did you mention it? It’s typically a signal to go down.

Stop. I feel like these type of posts come from cheating women to try to throw them off course.

She hasn’t had sex with him in 3 months. She has pulled away.

It’s really simple to ask or know if she’s going on for a GYN appointment which she might do anyways for proof of being STI free to show the married guys she meets on Ashley Madison.

Ask me how I know? 99.9% chance she is cheating. Now you need to turn into James Bond before you show your hand, OP. Note: they no longer usually use phone or text, but use Skype, Googlechat, What’sapp or some type of Internet messaging/chat which won’t show up on phone Bill and/or she probably has a burner/fake email account too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

OP here, thanks for writing this. We had a longer talk last night and this is basically what she said which is what she's been saying for years - no real sex drive, no real desire for sex. I am in same shape as when we got married. She has her external reasons for this, she claims most of her friends feel similarly about sex with their husbands and she's being blamed for being honest. Oh, and she is in good shape, so not sure about body issues.

Anyway, I wasn't hoping she was cheating but I would have taken the silver lining that she had a libido to do it and we could shake things up. I am sure being cheated on sucks but it's a far better outcome for me than the current options of being miserable, cheating or divorcing.

She won't do counseling during covid and when I brought it up a couple years ago, she was against it then, pretty much that a counselor reminding her she is supposed to have sex doesn't exactly create the desire and if I need it that bad just do it. Her doctor said female loss of desire in middle age in long marriages is normal and isn't a problem except that it creates marital strain and her other option is medicine to raise libido that has side effects.

Thanks to all that responded. Perhaps those suspecting cheating are right and I will update you if something comes to light.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree with others and say this is not cheating. She sounds like she has lost her sex drive and is insecure about her body and herself. She really may have trimmed down there because she didn’t want her OBgyn to judge her- though I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares.
I do think it’s strange that she gave you an eye roll about it.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. I’m mid 40s and have lost my sex drive and am literally repulsed by the thought of sex at times. I’m not cheating- I just don’t care about sex at all. I try to do it at least once a month with my husband but it’s actually quite difficult for me to get excited about it at all. I really wish there was something I could do to change my mindset- but the only thing that seems to work is drinking several glasses of wine. I don’t get turned on by porn or suggestive movies/books. Nothing. I’m guessing there are a lot of other women like me- because I’m always seeing posts on here about men upset with their wives and the lack of sex.

I don’t think the question has been asked yet- but are you in shape? Financially stable? Is there a possibly she has lost some attraction to you and that is why she doesn’t want sex?

Do you go on dates? Or spend time talking to one another? If there is no emotional connection- it’s very difficult (at least for me) to be remotely interested in sex.

Is there a chance this is cheating? Maybe, but I think you should explore the other possible reasons I listed above before jumping to that conclusion.

"I’m pretty sure OBs have seen it all so who cares." This.

Do people really groom their public hair for a doctor's appointment? Especially during COVID, I've truly come to embrace the mentality of "alright, I'm here" as being more than sufficient for most things.

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

All of this. Also, she may have rolled her eyes because it’s just so predictable that you find a hairless kitty hot. You’ve been conditioned to by rampant porn consumption.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

Then they should divorce ASAP. Then, they can both find someone who finds them attractive. Or, they can spend years filling their family with the darkness that is growing in their marriage.

The DH has offered a number of ways to help. If she does not think anything he does is hot, she can free him to find someone that does find him so.

Yes. I do trim up for the doctor and GYN. And I KNOW they've seen it all. and that they don't give two fcks about my hairy legs or unkempt bush or stray nip hair. But I want to be somewhat tidy, y'know? I have SOME pride left. I mean, a very very little after two kids sucked the life out of my boobs, but some.

I actually think the eye roll makes it believable. He said "it's hot" and she gave him an eye roll because she is not into sex at all right now. And she did it for the GYN. And the idea that her husband thinks she is hot is weird to her, because in no way does she think he is hot or anything he could do would be hot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know,op. Sounds like she initiated and wanted to surprise/please you. She needs encouragement, not accusations of cheating. You're about to blow up your marriage for flawed suspicions

This.

She groomed for you and expected a reaction. You blew it.

I groom extra short when I expect oral.

OP here, she doesn't like oral anymore. Used to love it. Yes, we aren't in a good spot, but she insists she's happy or at least content. I know it's hard to fathom, I am not happy with this and as you could see I would find it far better to be cheated on than denied

Dude, I’m fairly certain she is cheating.

But if I have told her repeatedly I am open to non-monogamy, why wouldn't she be honest? Maybe you are right and I am a sucker