I’m divorcing my cheating H.
For me it wasn’t the sex, it was the lies that he told to enable him to have his affair. Lies continued after the affair was found out.

The trust was irrevocably broken. So was the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.


I agree with this.

You live in a fairtytale. When a cheater’s spouse finds out, it unleashed trauma on the betrayed spouse. Even the most selfish cheater would have to be stone cold to not regret inflicting that on someone they had built a life with. And them when affairs blow up it’s not nearly as neat and tidy as getting a simple divorce. Kids usually find out about the affair and resent the cheating parent and end up with a skewed view of relationships. This does not all happen in a vacuum.

No kidding, lol. They must be young or immature. It's a big hit all the way around. I'm still married, but most of the people we knew got divorced. Even without cheating some won't be able to retire anytime soon. The ones that cheated had long divorces, and court hearings down the road to fight about child support and custody issues. Two couples we know fought for 10 years.

Cheaters try very hard to cover their tracks because they don't want to get caught. Yes 9 out of 10 they regret losing everything over trash, but sadly they didn't think they'd get caught. That's the reality for cheaters, much like criminals.

It’s a common trait of cheaters/narcissists, the arrogance that they will never get caught. Getting caught happens to dumb people, not them. They reason their affair isn’t hurting anyone because they are never going to get caught. Until they do...

Anonymous wrote:I had an AP years ago, I have two close friends having affairs. It's mostly sexual. Of course there is affection but it's not love. I have never heard any of my friends say they want to leave for their AP.

To quote a friend of mine who got divorced on why he didn't marry his AP: who tries to break back into prison?

A very small percentage end up together, most don't.

Most AP's are nothing more than toilet paper for the guy. Many want more and hope to be in the wife's position, but rarely pans out.

It sounds like you need to raise the bar yourself, dump those dirt bag friends. I don't keep cheaters as friends, and did dump one who cheated on her wonderful husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

Because married guys think an affair is nothing more than fun activity. Married women think they are actually in love with AP. Guys would rarely leave their wives, married women more likely leave for AP.

And those married women never get the chance because they’re married partners have ZERO desire to leave for them. Its more common that men in happy marriages can have an affair. Perel and Glass (top infidelity researchers) note that when women do, they are in unhappy marriages and looking for an exit.

I see sexless married guy is back, but even married men that still have sex with their wives have affairs for variety or escapism in midlife. It’s not meant to be a permanent lifestyle choice and there is zero intention of leaving their wives/kids.

What throws a monkey wrench in these situations is when they are found out. That married woman hand is now forced. Her husband will want a divorce and the married AP she think she’s in love with and a ticket out of her marriage wants nothing to do with her. The married guy is now faced with the reality of how much pain he has inflicted on his wife and has to look her on the eye and the ones with careers and older kids are likely to eventually decide they can’t live with looking over their shoulder and leave.

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

Because married guys think an affair is nothing more than fun activity. Married women think they are actually in love with AP. Guys would rarely leave their wives, married women more likely leave for AP.

I had an AP years ago, I have two close friends having affairs. It's mostly sexual. Of course there is affection but it's not love. I have never heard any of my friends say they want to leave for their AP.

To quote a friend of mine who got divorced on why he didn't marry his AP: who tries to break back into prison?

Anonymous wrote:Financially successful and decisive men divorce and move to a new relationship. Nobody in this group of men affairs down or however you call it. When they get caught they divorce. Their wives don’t suffer either financially. Although there are *holes that leave them with nothing, unfortunately and wives need to look for a job etc. Wives who have money divorce too.

LOL

When you cheat with someone low enough to be with a married person that is called bottom of the barrel.

At almost every income bracket it's a big lifestyle change. Don't kid yourself.

Jeff Bezos for example couldn't go any lower. Noticed he hasn't married her either.......

Anonymous wrote:Financially successful and decisive men divorce and move to a new relationship. Nobody in this group of men affairs down or however you call it. When they get caught they divorce. Their wives don’t suffer either financially. Although there are *holes that leave them with nothing, unfortunately and wives need to look for a job etc. Wives who have money divorce too.

Lots of financially successful/decisive men prefer to keep the sexless sham 1st marriage going, for all the same reasons the sexless wife wants to avoid divorce. Kids, house, pets, finances, etc. His affair makes that possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financially successful and decisive men divorce and move to a new relationship. Nobody in this group of men affairs down or however you call it. When they get caught they divorce. Their wives don’t suffer either financially. Although there are *holes that leave them with nothing, unfortunately and wives need to look for a job etc. Wives who have money divorce too.

This. It's extremely common to hear/read stories of successful Hollywood/entrepeneur/sports/etc. stars and their devotion to their family, only to realize that the story is about their second family with a new wife and they have adult children from a previous marriage.

Yet they never tell how horrible the 2nd marriages are. Bronson left his wife for a pretty homebreaker. He ended up with many problems, her druggie kid. They didn't trust each other so he put her in some of his films, and basically had to keep a eye on each other. His former kids never had a good relationship with him after that. Her health problems were another issue until she died. Was not a fairy tale like the press made it out to be. Why most 2nd marriages divorce at 70% and probably another 20% are miserable.

Anonymous wrote:Financially successful and decisive men divorce and move to a new relationship. Nobody in this group of men affairs down or however you call it. When they get caught they divorce. Their wives don’t suffer either financially. Although there are *holes that leave them with nothing, unfortunately and wives need to look for a job etc. Wives who have money divorce too.

This. It's extremely common to hear/read stories of successful Hollywood/entrepeneur/sports/etc. stars and their devotion to their family, only to realize that the story is about their second family with a new wife and they have adult children from a previous marriage.

Financially successful and decisive men divorce and move to a new relationship. Nobody in this group of men affairs down or however you call it. When they get caught they divorce. Their wives don’t suffer either financially. Although there are *holes that leave them with nothing, unfortunately and wives need to look for a job etc. Wives who have money divorce too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do. My exhusband married his affair partner as soon as our divorce was finalized. You want hard? Try having the woman who broke up your marriage raise your children half the time.

I can’t even imagine. I’m sorry.

She didn't have a choice, but most women stay with the cheater to avoid having their kids around garbage. The AP, her kids or other women if that doesn't work out. I've seen some horrible messes because the cheater decided to destroy their family. Those kids may be young, but down the road they have a choice not to see the other parent. Thats another common theme. Betrayal is betrayal and it's against the entire family, not just ones spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its interesting no one discusses the impact on men when women cheat and leave the marriage or the AP.

It’s humiliating and emasculating for males. It’s not their fault they married whores, but society unfairly labels them.

Yes. It’s very hard for men. Society views the betrayed male spouse as less of a man. A betrayed female garners sympathy. There is also no support for betrayed husbands. Even on the Internet, all of the websites/blogs assume the victim is female and the cheater male.

Although people look down at married cheater mothers pretty harshly. It’s considered particularly whorish my society to cheat when you have kids at home.

Men divorce in higher numbers after discovering their wife had a sexual affair.

Probably true. Women will put the kids and finances above anything, and like myself my family would come first. I would fake it, but realistically wouldn't care about my spouse after that.

Men are more likely to toss the baby out with the bath water if push comes to shove. Women know men have a shelf life and smart ones will always put the kids first. Especially if she knows he's no good.

Anonymous wrote:

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.


I agree with this.

You live in a fairtytale. When a cheater’s spouse finds out, it unleashed trauma on the betrayed spouse. Even the most selfish cheater would have to be stone cold to not regret inflicting that on someone they had built a life with. And them when affairs blow up it’s not nearly as neat and tidy as getting a simple divorce. Kids usually find out about the affair and resent the cheating parent and end up with a skewed view of relationships. This does not all happen in a vacuum.

No kidding, lol. They must be young or immature. It's a big hit all the way around. I'm still married, but most of the people we knew got divorced. Even without cheating some won't be able to retire anytime soon. The ones that cheated had long divorces, and court hearings down the road to fight about child support and custody issues. Two couples we know fought for 10 years.

Cheaters try very hard to cover their tracks because they don't want to get caught. Yes 9 out of 10 they regret losing everything over trash, but sadly they didn't think they'd get caught. That's the reality for cheaters, much like criminals.

Anonymous wrote:

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.


I agree with this.

You live in a fairtytale. When a cheater’s spouse finds out, it unleashed trauma on the betrayed spouse. Even the most selfish cheater would have to be stone cold to not regret inflicting that on someone they had built a life with. And them when affairs blow up it’s not nearly as neat and tidy as getting a simple divorce. Kids usually find out about the affair and resent the cheating parent and end up with a skewed view of relationships. This does not all happen in a vacuum.

You say "trauma unleashed on the betrayed spouse" and I say "hypocritical sexless platonic room mate spouse discovers that their celibacy is incompatible with a monogamous relationship to a normal person"

Again, the PP you are responding to is in a sexless marriage. His affair is NOT what blew up that marriage. That marriage blew up when his asexual wife decided to be a platonic room mate. Stop blame shifting.