OP,

You married a man who kills animals for fun? That is usually how serial killers start out -- maiming and torturing animals.

Get.out.now.

We have had long term nannies. All took care of the house. Few people can afford a housekeeper and separate nanny. I didn't expect them to clean toilets or mop floors. But sweep and wash dishes etc yes. This is a normal expectation.

Anonymous wrote: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!

Because women are poor negotiators and incredibly naive going into the marriage thinkin
it is all going to be all right, spending way too much thinking about the wedding planning
and zero thinking about labor division and making prenup based JUST ON THAT.

Oh.. and the wedding wows should be no BS but this:

I will do dishes Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you take the rest.
I will carry the baby to term, you will take trash for the rest of our live together.
You will wash all the cars always, I will make all breakfasts.
You will do the loundry. I will fold, you put away

happy.. happy.. happy..

oh wait. that would scare the guy right?..
but wait.. sooner or later someone runs away crying..

Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!

Because women are poor negotiators and incredibly naive going into the marriage thinkin
it is all going to be all right, spending way too much thinking about the wedding planning
and zero thinking about labor division and making prenup based JUST ON THAT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do agree that women face disproportionate burdens at home and with kids, this is not a normal situation. Your DH is being a jerk.

Thank you.

This- although mine got better with age and when the kids got older. Hope this happens for you as well OP.

We had a WONDERFUL nanny when my kids were little. My number one priority was safety and child development and that was her focus as well--she set up our basement as an art studio, playroom, etc and did a ton of activities (she used to work in a daycare). She also took them out all the time, in most weather, and got together with other kids for socialization (as well as for her, so she was not alone all day). She took them to the museum and the zoo and other places as well, She read with them, taught them letters and numbers, sang with them, played games and ran with them, etc

. While we never asked her to do more than childcare on her own accord she would often use nap time to tidy up--generally tidy up the kitchen and downstairs as well as the kids room. She cleaned up kid messes but often even more. I would always thank her for doing extra stuff on occasion (vacuum, fold our laundry, etc) and said she really didn't need to, but she said she liked to be busy. We paid her well and treated her well and she treated us like gold--we were so lucky. We did have house cleaners for deep cleaning but she helped manage the chaos of a house with small kids.

at a bare minimum, OPs nanny should not be on her phone/putting kid in front of screen 2 hours a day. if she's lucky she will find a nanny who likes to stay busy.

Anonymous wrote:You have several problems - your dh needs a reality check - either thru marriage counseling or a long deep conversation .... he also needs to be able to put his child to bed - if you trust him and he’s a good guy - just leave for three nights - they’ll figure something out eventually - it may be walking him in a stroller at midnight around the neighborhood but so be it
Second we have a nanny - she does all laundry grocery shopping etc - and so do all of the nannies we know - you need a new nanny

Sounds like you have a housekeeper who also looks after your kid. What does shopping and adult laundry have to do with nannying?

Leave him. Sue for custody. Do it on your own.

When we hired our nanny we broke out explicitly and in the contract what household duties where expected (all baby related). I actually found the advice to do that from dcum and it’s been really helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

Former nanny here. Those responsibilities are not the nannies. The nanny is responsible for the child and his housekeeping - laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning up after his messes, etc. The nanny is not responsible for household tasks that’s re unrelated to the child. That the parents of a housekeepers job. Many parents are cheap and try to get a nanny a small housekeeper for the price of a nanny.

1) I don't know anyone with a long term nanny who does not do these things and more. Many also do some of the parent's laundry, pick up items at the grocery store, and participate in meal prep. Your experience isn't typical.

2) The nanny isn't even doing nanny work. A toddler should have a consistent nap schedule, and should not be falling asleep randomly at 10am, even on the weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

Former nanny here. Those responsibilities are not the nannies. The nanny is responsible for the child and his housekeeping - laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning up after his messes, etc. The nanny is not responsible for household tasks that’s re unrelated to the child. That the parents of a housekeepers job. Many parents are cheap and try to get a nanny a small housekeeper for the price of a nanny.

I do agree that you need to look for a new nanny. As a former nanny, I always used nap time to do baby laundry, prepare baby meals, clean baby dishes, etc. A nanny is allowed a 30 minute break for every 8 hours she works. I’m not sure how long she works, but she should not be sitting there on her phone for 2 hours. I can understand the babysitter ( random babysitters do not handle household tasks), but your nanny should be cleaning up after your son. You can find a nanny who will help with other tasks unrelated to the child, but it will cost you more. No experienced nanny is going to do the job of a nanny and housekeeper for a nanny’s pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

That's part of the husbands job. Why should the nanny pick up his slack?

Because she is being paid to help.

She is being paid to be a nanny, not a housekeeper. OP needs to hire a housekeeper because a nanny does not doing any related besides child related tasks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

Former nanny here. Those responsibilities are not the nannies. The nanny is responsible for the child and his housekeeping - laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning up after his messes, etc. The nanny is not responsible for household tasks that’s re unrelated to the child. That the parents of a housekeepers job. Many parents are cheap and try to get a nanny a small housekeeper for the price of a nanny.

I'm in your shoes OP, and just chiming in to say good luck. I literally am. Can't divorce b/c of immigration issues. Holding my breath until I am not obliged to him to live and work legally.

I'm in law school, work PT and do all the house chores. I will one day set the house on fire when I get out of class to find the dinner table waiting for me to clear it.

Every nanny we had took on light housekeeping without even me asking. Cleaned up the toys, kids room, living room and would often run dishes, load and un load, sweep floors etc.rhe also educated and stimulated our kids, little to no tv etc.art projects playdates. Museums etc

Op you definitely need a new nanny. You also need to step out and require your dh to figure out how to parent. The longer you alone put you son down, the harder it will.be to break the habit. Same for everything.

Took a while for me to get to the point with dh where thing feel more or less equal but it started with me refusing the expectation no would always step in.