I stayed with my DH after he cheated. The most important factor to me was my spouse’s willingness to participate in therapy and recovery to get to the root of the cheating.

Some people cheat because it is easy and they can. My spouse cheated as a result of unresolved severe childhood trauma. He developed a sex addiction that spiraled out of control - massage parlors, prostitutes, affairs, one night stands, 3x a day masterbation I discovered the cheating a year ago, and he’s been faithful since. He participates in individual therapy, couples therapy, sexaholic anonymous meetings, and has an SA sponsor.

He disclosed all his cheating through disclosure and answered all my questions. He also agreed to all my terms of staying together- continued therapy, active recovery in SA (sponsor and meetings), open electronics and finances, complete transparency on his whereabouts, etc.

We are closer now than we’ve ever been. His recovery brought a lot of issues to light, and he shares those issues with me. In the recovery, we’ve learned so much about each other. The trauma of the betrayal was incredibly painful, and I did a lot of work on my own healing. At the end of the day, I didn’t want to give up on him when he was at his lowest if he was willing to work on his recovery. In my healing I was able to developed empathy for him. I also learned that the cheating had nothing to do with me and wasn’t a reflection of our relationship. He was an addict and sex was his high.

I’m not happy every day, but most days we are happy. My spouse showed me his most ugly and shameful sides of himself. And I stood by him. He is so grateful and shows that every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.

I have the same agreement with my spouse. I only want to know if they are planning on leaving me. I wonder if we are in a silent majority. What do I gain by finding out, other than the pain described above and the daunting decision to divorce or live with it

They won’t tell you that. The woman my husband started the AM affair with was all about “it’s just sex”. All loosely goosey, look how carefree and progressive I am.

He was her third ling affair. Her MO was a year or more in to profess love and push for running away together. Her husband has no idea she wants out. If he’s one of these “I don’t care, don’t tell me unless u plan on leaving”, he is for a rude awakening.

People with that type of arrangement have zero self-respect. Doormats.

NP. Are you the same poster that talks about how your husband was/is cheating with a married SAHM that blogs about a perfect life, and she doesn’t use protection? If so, I only recognize you because of the intense tone of your writing. For your wellbeing and health, please try to forgive. You don’t have to reconcile, but forgiveness allows you to let go of the power and control over your happiness. Every negative thought or emotion or annoyance related to this is a demonstration of the power that SHE HAS over YOU. Don’t let her take up real estate in your mind or your heart.

I looked up a quote from my favorite book, The Power of Constructive Thinking, by Emmet Fox so that I could share this quote with you:

“Your Mental Conduct, your hour-by-hour thinking, produces specific conditions, and may be thought of as the weather of your soul. Your fixed convictions concerning the things that really matter are seldom changed and may be called the climate of the soul, and it is these that mold your destiny.”

My hope for all of the betrayed spouses in this thread is that they use their personal power of constructive thinking to destruct negativity, and to promote positive, healthy, and peaceful emotional and mental dispositions. Hugs.

Beautiful.

And my hope is for all cheaters to get a raging painful blister herpes cluster on their genitalia that never abates, even when their soul is rotting in Hell.

Are there any more stories of recovery?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.

I have the same agreement with my spouse. I only want to know if they are planning on leaving me. I wonder if we are in a silent majority. What do I gain by finding out, other than the pain described above and the daunting decision to divorce or live with it

They won’t tell you that. The woman my husband started the AM affair with was all about “it’s just sex”. All loosely goosey, look how carefree and progressive I am.

He was her third ling affair. Her MO was a year or more in to profess love and push for running away together. Her husband has no idea she wants out. If he’s one of these “I don’t care, don’t tell me unless u plan on leaving”, he is for a rude awakening.

People with that type of arrangement have zero self-respect. Doormats.

NP. Are you the same poster that talks about how your husband was/is cheating with a married SAHM that blogs about a perfect life, and she doesn’t use protection? If so, I only recognize you because of the intense tone of your writing. For your wellbeing and health, please try to forgive. You don’t have to reconcile, but forgiveness allows you to let go of the power and control over your happiness. Every negative thought or emotion or annoyance related to this is a demonstration of the power that SHE HAS over YOU. Don’t let her take up real estate in your mind or your heart.

I looked up a quote from my favorite book, The Power of Constructive Thinking, by Emmet Fox so that I could share this quote with you:

“Your Mental Conduct, your hour-by-hour thinking, produces specific conditions, and may be thought of as the weather of your soul. Your fixed convictions concerning the things that really matter are seldom changed and may be called the climate of the soul, and it is these that mold your destiny.”

My hope for all of the betrayed spouses in this thread is that they use their personal power of constructive thinking to destruct negativity, and to promote positive, healthy, and peaceful emotional and mental dispositions. Hugs.

^ and I feel it more for women that don’t work and are 100% supported by their husbands. That’s a real d@ck thing to do to a man paying to support you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.

I understand the sentiment but it’s a slippery slope. My wife (and I) are ‘party people’ and I can envision a situation where things got out of hand: drinking on a work trip, girls weekend, etc. and she has a ONS. I certainly don't like the idea and hope it never happens but I’m pretty sure I wouldn't want to know. Hopefully, she would suffer the guilt, learn from it and not let it happen again and we move on. Now if this became her modus operandi in these situations or she had an ongoing AP, then there’s a problem in our relationship and I’d want out.

sounds like men don't care if women have sex with someone else whereas women do. Maybe it's just this one guy but I as DW would mind it if my husband did have even ONS.

You have it backwards. Men are much more bothered by infidelity/affairs than women. It is a manhood thing. Read the stats. Society, in general, judges mothers much more harshly. As a woman, I hate all cheaters but since I am a woman and have so much love for my kids I just cannot fathom mothers that give up everything to bang somebody else’s spouse or young boy toy. The double standard is real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.

I understand the sentiment but it’s a slippery slope. My wife (and I) are ‘party people’ and I can envision a situation where things got out of hand: drinking on a work trip, girls weekend, etc. and she has a ONS. I certainly don't like the idea and hope it never happens but I’m pretty sure I wouldn't want to know. Hopefully, she would suffer the guilt, learn from it and not let it happen again and we move on. Now if this became her modus operandi in these situations or she had an ongoing AP, then there’s a problem in our relationship and I’d want out.

sounds like men don't care if women have sex with someone else whereas women do. Maybe it's just this one guy but I as DW would mind it if my husband did have even ONS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prior to marriage I had a ONS that was a result of things happening in my life unrelated to her that I dealt with poorly. She was really sad I messed up but forgave me. Fast forward 11 years later and nothing like that has ever happened again and we have a really amazing family.

I didn't read the whole thread but mitigating factors in my situation that may not be present in yours were it was a one time thing and I was in my mid-20s when it happened and I changed a lot between my 20s and now.

With all due respect, a multi-year affair during a marriage is not the same beast as a ONS prior to marriage.

I agree, that's why I noted the mitigating factors at the end of my post. Like I said, I didn't read the whole thread but was just adding one more data point to consider.

Anonymous wrote:Prior to marriage I had a ONS that was a result of things happening in my life unrelated to her that I dealt with poorly. She was really sad I messed up but forgave me. Fast forward 11 years later and nothing like that has ever happened again and we have a really amazing family.

I didn't read the whole thread but mitigating factors in my situation that may not be present in yours were it was a one time thing and I was in my mid-20s when it happened and I changed a lot between my 20s and now.

With all due respect, a multi-year affair during a marriage is not the same beast as a ONS prior to marriage.

Prior to marriage I had a ONS that was a result of things happening in my life unrelated to her that I dealt with poorly. She was really sad I messed up but forgave me. Fast forward 11 years later and nothing like that has ever happened again and we have a really amazing family.

I didn't read the whole thread but mitigating factors in my situation that may not be present in yours were it was a one time thing and I was in my mid-20s when it happened and I changed a lot between my 20s and now.

Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.

I understand the sentiment but it’s a slippery slope. My wife (and I) are ‘party people’ and I can envision a situation where things got out of hand: drinking on a work trip, girls weekend, etc. and she has a ONS. I certainly don't like the idea and hope it never happens but I’m pretty sure I wouldn't want to know. Hopefully, she would suffer the guilt, learn from it and not let it happen again and we move on. Now if this became her modus operandi in these situations or she had an ongoing AP, then there’s a problem in our relationship and I’d want out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly. This guy is just so clueless. He keeps on saying I'm willing to do whatever and then the next sentence is but ....I'd prefer to break up. No self awareness at all. No wonder this guy's wife isn't sure: first of all it's too early at 10 months and then this guy is just clueless enough that he'll do it again in the future.

You are the same people who would say to a man, if you aren't happy in your marriage, just get divorced. Don't cheat. It may be all his fault but this guy is not going to let himself be punished and miserable forever. I get it. I'd want out too if she didn't show any signs of at least meeting me half way.

This guy says he will do anything to save mart and then just 10 months after cheating is discovered that says the opposite. I mean he’s not really willing to do even just a little. So clueless. It’s just messaging that he’s trying but there’s no commitment. His poor wife. Hope she has a really advantageous post nup. Maybe he should offer one to show whether he really means what he’s saying about being committed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly. This guy is just so clueless. He keeps on saying I'm willing to do whatever and then the next sentence is but ....I'd prefer to break up. No self awareness at all. No wonder this guy's wife isn't sure: first of all it's too early at 10 months and then this guy is just clueless enough that he'll do it again in the future.

You are the same people who would say to a man, if you aren't happy in your marriage, just get divorced. Don't cheat. It may be all his fault but this guy is not going to let himself be punished and miserable forever. I get it. I'd want out too if she didn't show any signs of at least meeting me half way.

OK, so, like you said, get divorced. Don't cheat. You don't have to be "punished and miserable." Just get divorced. What's wrong - too cowardly to do so?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly. This guy is just so clueless. He keeps on saying I'm willing to do whatever and then the next sentence is but ....I'd prefer to break up. No self awareness at all. No wonder this guy's wife isn't sure: first of all it's too early at 10 months and then this guy is just clueless enough that he'll do it again in the future.

You are the same people who would say to a man, if you aren't happy in your marriage, just get divorced. Don't cheat. It may be all his fault but this guy is not going to let himself be punished and miserable forever. I get it. I'd want out too if she didn't show any signs of at least meeting me half way.

OP here, I have learned so much. What happens in childhood makes all the difference if traumatic and not dealt with before it blows up the marriage/ relationship. I knew this on some level but not the way I know now. It does not make it any less PTSD painful but it explains vulnerabilities, brokenness, cheating fathers, neglect, attachment problems, lack of honesty, searching for external validation, etc. It is more like substance abuse than not and has nothing to do with love. What we are doing now working so hard to survive together is where the love comes in but just knowing that the healing is possible, maybe, with intensive therapy and complete openness is all I need to hold right now.