Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with this dynamic. He's a miserable partner and he's cheating on you. I do not see much worth salvaging here.

I didn’t read beyond this response, which is dead on. Document everything, lawyer up, and make sure he gets joint custody so you don’t bear the burden of raising your child essentially 24/7 on your own. The instinct some have is to seek full custody, but that gives this jackass a free pass. Don’t forget to go after his retirement account.

I was actually thinking about even getting a job myself and declining child support, just getting assets and retirement from him. But it would be a shock to my son if the divorce and full custody transfer to dad happens in high school, as he was primarily raised by me. However, thinking of a college, something in Europe closer to where my husband has the business and mistress would be best arrangement for me, so I can visit our son and focus more on my life in the US. Don’t you think so?

Do not decline child support for your son. Why? You can still have those other things. So the company and mistress are located
in another country? This is hard to split company share and harder for DH to have more commitment to AP, harder not impossible. A woman like her uses him for her gain only if she loves her family, otherwise she’s just as bad and probably has real feelings that she expresses in person because he elevated her.

Yes, another country. He was seeing her for 5-7 times a year for a few days, romantic trips. They talk daily for business over the phone. Sorry, I didn't understand what you meant in your last sentence about mistress expressing her feelings in person. Do you believe she loves him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with this dynamic. He's a miserable partner and he's cheating on you. I do not see much worth salvaging here.

I didn’t read beyond this response, which is dead on. Document everything, lawyer up, and make sure he gets joint custody so you don’t bear the burden of raising your child essentially 24/7 on your own. The instinct some have is to seek full custody, but that gives this jackass a free pass. Don’t forget to go after his retirement account.

I was actually thinking about even getting a job myself and declining child support, just getting assets and retirement from him. But it would be a shock to my son if the divorce and full custody transfer to dad happens in high school, as he was primarily raised by me. However, thinking of a college, something in Europe closer to where my husband has the business and mistress would be best arrangement for me, so I can visit our son and focus more on my life in the US. Don’t you think so?

No because I feel like the us has the best schooling and resources for kids with Special Needs.

My son studying in the US college means that I will never fully own my life. I think I need a therapy myself to be in peace with it. My husband will enjoy his corporate executive life with his mistress in Europe while I am making sure here in the US that our son gets through college. Then our son will likely live with me maintaining employment at a technology field. l will have to find him a good woman to marry etc.

OP-You are a good person and a good mom. You don’t deserve this at all. If he uses your home life as an excuse, that is super lame. It will not be your loss. Life will get better, maybe meeting someone just right for you too. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would work to transition to an allied health field like speech therapy- think of some of the professionals who help your son and consider their professions.

Thank you, can you recommend good schools ok the East Coast where to go for the certification ?

Becoming a speech therapist is not just a certificate program. it is bachelor's degree in speech language pathology followed by a master's degree. And after that you need to do a trainee/fellowship period (which often has little flexibility) and your exams. In other words, it is a long road and would essentially require you start all over again.

Also speech therapy would probably not improve your earnings potential. It's a stable job not high paid and you won't even be able to be earning until you finish all the stuff listed above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how long are you going to allow it to go on??????

Are you going to contact her OP??? I sure wouldn't have sex with him, and please get yourself tested.

We live separate not sharing bedrooms for 3 months. He moved out of our bedroom himself, pretending it’s because I am hysterical etc. As I said, it’s now “don’t ask don’t tell” marriage. That caused me to investigate and find out everything.
The mistress is abroad. I don’t know her husbands name or address, and I can’t show up there. Plus, I don’t want to disclose my knowledge as I am still getting the ducks in a row.

Good, don’t show up. It will make you look crazy. Any contact you have with AP and husband re issue should be done through writing from an attorney.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with this dynamic. He's a miserable partner and he's cheating on you. I do not see much worth salvaging here.

I didn’t read beyond this response, which is dead on. Document everything, lawyer up, and make sure he gets joint custody so you don’t bear the burden of raising your child essentially 24/7 on your own. The instinct some have is to seek full custody, but that gives this jackass a free pass. Don’t forget to go after his retirement account.

I was actually thinking about even getting a job myself and declining child support, just getting assets and retirement from him. But it would be a shock to my son if the divorce and full custody transfer to dad happens in high school, as he was primarily raised by me. However, thinking of a college, something in Europe closer to where my husband has the business and mistress would be best arrangement for me, so I can visit our son and focus more on my life in the US. Don’t you think so?

Do not decline child support for your son. Why? You can still have those other things. So the company and mistress are located
in another country? This is hard to split company share and harder for DH to have more commitment to AP, harder not impossible. A woman like her uses him for her gain only if she loves her family, otherwise she’s just as bad and probably has real feelings that she expresses in person because he elevated her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would work to transition to an allied health field like speech therapy- think of some of the professionals who help your son and consider their professions.

Thank you, can you recommend good schools ok the East Coast where to go for the certification ?

Becoming a speech therapist is not just a certificate program. it is bachelor's degree in speech language pathology followed by a master's degree. And after that you need to do a trainee/fellowship period (which often has little flexibility) and your exams. In other words, it is a long road and would essentially require you start all over again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how long are you going to allow it to go on??????

Are you going to contact her OP??? I sure wouldn't have sex with him, and please get yourself tested.

We live separate not sharing bedrooms for 3 months. He moved out of our bedroom himself, pretending it’s because I am hysterical etc. As I said, it’s now “don’t ask don’t tell” marriage. That caused me to investigate and find out everything.
The mistress is abroad. I don’t know her husbands name or address, and I can’t show up there. Plus, I don’t want to disclose my knowledge as I am still getting the ducks in a row.

Wasn't there a thread recently with very similar details except the woman was employed and not SAHM? Also European, mistress was overseas and he was making daily morning calls to her, etc.?

I am that same poster, yes. I am working from home our whole marriage managing US business. In this post I was referring to “not employed” in terms of a corporate job. But I did work all this time, some years made same as my husband working from home. Its just if we indeed divorce, income from my half of the US business won’t be enough and I would need to supplement with a corporate job.
My previous post was created when I didn’t know yet about the mistress.

Then why not just continue on that thread rather than making a whole new post?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In thinking about this more, OP, I actually think that his not knowing that you know about the mistress gives you a huge tactical advantage. I would not tell him until I had that M.A. I would, in fact, after a short break, be a better wife to him in order to lull him into a sense of false security. I find it easy to be patient and affectionate with someone in whom I no longer have any emotional investment.

Did that with my first husband and I will say it paid off. He didn't cheat, but I needed to get myself in a good position.

I wouldn't care for a man after he cheated, it's over. The cheater pretended he was in a marriage, I could also do that to further my goals.

You made a excellent point however she proceeds.

That is tough. I would have a tough time pulling that off. I much prefer Lorena Bobbitt's approach.

Anonymous wrote:OP said she is European.

most likely former USSR/ Russian speaking because of the way she drops the articles.

Anonymous wrote:In thinking about this more, OP, I actually think that his not knowing that you know about the mistress gives you a huge tactical advantage. I would not tell him until I had that M.A. I would, in fact, after a short break, be a better wife to him in order to lull him into a sense of false security. I find it easy to be patient and affectionate with someone in whom I no longer have any emotional investment.

Did that with my first husband and I will say it paid off. He didn't cheat, but I needed to get myself in a good position.

I wouldn't care for a man after he cheated, it's over. The cheater pretended he was in a marriage, I could also do that to further my goals.

You made a excellent point however she proceeds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how long are you going to allow it to go on??????

Are you going to contact her OP??? I sure wouldn't have sex with him, and please get yourself tested.

We live separate not sharing bedrooms for 3 months. He moved out of our bedroom himself, pretending it’s because I am hysterical etc. As I said, it’s now “don’t ask don’t tell” marriage. That caused me to investigate and find out everything.
The mistress is abroad. I don’t know her husbands name or address, and I can’t show up there. Plus, I don’t want to disclose my knowledge as I am still getting the ducks in a row.

Wasn't there a thread recently with very similar details except the woman was employed and not SAHM? Also European, mistress was overseas and he was making daily morning calls to her, etc.?

I am that same poster, yes. I am working from home our whole marriage managing US business. In this post I was referring to “not employed” in terms of a corporate job. But I did work all this time, some years made same as my husband working from home. Its just if we indeed divorce, income from my half of the US business won’t be enough and I would need to supplement with a corporate job.
My previous post was created when I didn’t know yet about the mistress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how long are you going to allow it to go on??????

Are you going to contact her OP??? I sure wouldn't have sex with him, and please get yourself tested.

We live separate not sharing bedrooms for 3 months. He moved out of our bedroom himself, pretending it’s because I am hysterical etc. As I said, it’s now “don’t ask don’t tell” marriage. That caused me to investigate and find out everything.
The mistress is abroad. I don’t know her husbands name or address, and I can’t show up there. Plus, I don’t want to disclose my knowledge as I am still getting the ducks in a row.

Wasn't there a thread recently with very similar details except the woman was employed and not SAHM? Also European, mistress was overseas and he was making daily morning calls to her, etc.?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh-- OP- I did talk to the OW. I actually scared the f*ck out of her because after I had talked to her on the phone--- I showed up at her house unannounced a few weeks later. She was shaking like a leaf. She couldn't believe she was being exposed.

Did you slash her holiday inflatables? Remember that post here?

I had one friend that did what pp did. She was very nice but to the point, if she didn't leave their family alone her next visit would be to her office.

She would have too! Another friend hired a P.I. who located him, she went over to the OW's home and called DH telling him to come outside. They did divorce.

Oh man--I used to have a roommate who was a PI in SF/Silicon Valley. Had some pretty interesting stories.

One of my friends owned her own P.I. agency years ago. I still remember one story where a wife thought she was happily married, but felt something was off. Anyways she hired my friend to follow her husband. He was a lawyer who went to a strip club around lunch time. They saw him go into the strip club, but come out 5 minutes later and open his trunk. He took out a package of condoms and went back in. Yuck! His poor wife, but at least he was using protection, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with this dynamic. He's a miserable partner and he's cheating on you. I do not see much worth salvaging here.

I didn’t read beyond this response, which is dead on. Document everything, lawyer up, and make sure he gets joint custody so you don’t bear the burden of raising your child essentially 24/7 on your own. The instinct some have is to seek full custody, but that gives this jackass a free pass. Don’t forget to go after his retirement account.

I was actually thinking about even getting a job myself and declining child support, just getting assets and retirement from him. But it would be a shock to my son if the divorce and full custody transfer to dad happens in high school, as he was primarily raised by me. However, thinking of a college, something in Europe closer to where my husband has the business and mistress would be best arrangement for me, so I can visit our son and focus more on my life in the US. Don’t you think so?

No because I feel like the us has the best schooling and resources for kids with Special Needs.

My son studying in the US college means that I will never fully own my life. I think I need a therapy myself to be in peace with it. My husband will enjoy his corporate executive life with his mistress in Europe while I am making sure here in the US that our son gets through college. Then our son will likely live with me maintaining employment at a technology field. l will have to find him a good woman to marry etc.

Your son is everything, and yes you can have a great life. Your husband sounds like a angry horrible man who likely won't ever be happy. Obviously the OW doesn't want him either even if he is free, lol. It sounds like you'll be just fine. You can get a forensic accounting of his finances and find out where he's hiding them. Once you son finds out what a horrible dad, and husband he's been he may not want to have a relationship with him. You'll need to be honest with your son on why the divorce is taking place. Make sure to convey it's not him, but DH who chose that path.

OP it sounds like you are also going through a lot with losing your own identity as a SAHM of a special needs child. Do you belong to a support group for SN parents or something to that effect?