You need to make peace with the decisions you chose to make. You need a new therapist. And most importantly, you need to move on with your life.

Please listen to all the good advice you're getting, OP.

When life isn't going the way you envisioned or expected, it's easy to lose yourself to a fantasy in your head. I suspect you never stopped loving that old boyfriend, and maybe what you really want is a chance to see him/connect with him. You also seem to have guilt about the abortion. You have this perfect storm going on in your head right now. But please understand it's all in your head. Your old boyfriend is not going to think well of you if you show up talking about an old abortion and a relationship that was never more than a passing fancy to him anyway.

Falling in love with someone who doesn't love you back is hard. It could also be something called, "limerance" - there's been several threads about it here on DCUM, so look them up. For all you know, this old boyfriend today is fat, bald, smelly, has developed gross habits like chewing his food with his mouth open. You knew him when he was a 20-something hot guy. That was a looong time ago.

My earlier post was cut off but I wanted to say that you should talk to your husband about how his callous treatment worsened your psychological suffering. Unlike your ex-BF, your DH is still in your life and can do something now. He can apologize. I think you also need to forgive yourself for many decisions, large and small, that have made you a prisoner of regret. Remove the idea of who your boyfriend was from this equation. That spectre has nothing at all to do with your health and happiness today.

OP, I get that you want to be "seen" by the old boyfriend as you think this is a way to get closure.

The thing about trying to "be seen" like that, is that it's not in your control. You give control away to someone who, didn't see you even when it was happening so long ago. It doesn't work.

If you want to "be seen"--to not feel like your feelings don't count, or don't matter to anyone--you have to surround yourself with people who you believe see you, not try to get those who don't to change. Does that make sense? Maybe you are obsessing over this boyfriend because it's easier than dealing with the reality that your husband doesn't "see you."

Also, I read a lot of excuses for your current behavior. Your parents, your past diagnosis, etc... let me say something that you can analogize from:

I used to be fat. I could go to therapists to try and figure out why I eat, why I sabotage myself, etc.

Or, I could just put down the donut, eat right and work out. Takes less time. Figuring that out was key. And that's what worked for me.

Now to be fair, I'm not saying that it really is an either-or, but often, it really IS a BALANCE between the two. You can spin in your head for another 20 years, or you can put down the donut. You are really spinning in your head, so I propose you put down the donut AND see a therapist.

Right now you are eating donuts, blaming your parents and husband and ADHD etc for your eating donuts, and also making excuses as to not seeing a therapist to find out why you are eating donuts. All of which leads to another 20 years of eating donuts.

You don’t seem cruel. Sending that email would be an act of tremendous cruelty.

Prioritize therapy. You need help, qualified clinic help, to move forward in life.

You’re at an age where looking back is normal. Reframing all of your accomplishments over the past twenty years into a failure to disclose is unhealthy in the extreme.

Please focus on the life you’re living. Carve out a few minutes to make a telehealth appointment. It will put you on the right path toward integrating this moment into the much broader narrative of your life.

Reach out today. Today, OP.