Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 15:17     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.


Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.


Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.

(1) You are depriving her of her right to know the truth about her marriage and making the unilateral decision about what would or would not be "good for her."
(2) How do you know she wouldn't want to end the marriage, if she knew the truth? Again, you're speaking for her when she doesn't even know the truth.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 14:01     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
^at 26 he was so passionate about never getting a divorce, never being unfaithful and not being like his dad who I met several times.

I was naive to think that since he experienced all that he would never do that to his own wife and kids.

That was my mistake, but he was a great thoughtful loving guy and all around nice person. Former classmates, employers all talked about what a great guy he was and he would do good deeds (more than me) thoughtful when co-workers has cancer—visiting bringing meals, coaching our kids teams.

Life was good until he turned 40 and then each passing year he changed more and more until he essentially morphed into the man he despised.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 13:57     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Such a coward reply. Again, it's making the decision for her that's the problem. You'll divorce her anyway when it's convenient for you so why not at least be a man and give her the option now. All you've said above are you rationalization of the situation because you're not doing the right thing by your wife because you want to have your cake and eat it too. She's kept in dark about this because it's convenient for you to do so now. You have rationalization above and it's focused on your narcissistic self.

See other post about how women are blinded by their husband's cheating. Do the right thing for her and for yourself. Go find someone else you'll be happy with at this point and give your wife a chance to find someone else when she's still relatively young. You're just a selfish a-hole.

And stop saying that women who disagree with you are harpies who aren't intimate with their husbands. Stop it. It's not true. We disagree because you're in the wrong. Along with your rationalization of a wrong act, this is just another trope that you use to attack people when they disagree with you.

Do the right thing. Tell your wife.


+1. I also called this narcissistic jerk out on his self-serving rationalizations. He's too selfish and self-absorbed to get it - he needs therapy, but won't get that, either. Claiming his wife wants the marriage right now, too, is just wrong because his wife is being lied to and does not have all the information to make an informed decision.

And to the narcissistic jerk, your narrative is wrong. I have been married 25 years and my DH and still have sex regularly - but he's not a selfish guy with entitlement issues, like you are.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 13:55     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
My husband cane from an extremely f@cked up childhood. Dad was an alcoholic. He repeatedly and boldly cheated on his mother, fights, abuse. She kicked him out. When his dad had them for visitation he would have his current whore over and sit my husband and his brother in front of the tv while he left and went to the bedroom. His mother was broken and had so much hatred and was working to support 2 kids. He and his brother were emotionally neglected.

I did not know the full extent of this trauma when we were dating and married, or how bad it actually was. He repressed it, never talked about it also said his dad was pathetic and he would never end up like his dad. Like many people with these backgrounds, the trauma not addressed builds and most will crash in middle age. He changed overnight and starting exhibiting behavior like his dad (though successful and not an alcoholic) he started displaying anger, entitlement became harsh, nasty and judgemental. He hated himself and started going on Ashley Madison to find women to have sex with to numb the pain and find admiration and praise to help his ego. He justified his actions my gaslighting. He stated hating himself more and more and then began to drink just so he could go out and meet his affair partner—he couldn’t without alcohol.

He completely imploded his perfect life and happy marriage by repression and not getting help and refusing to confront the pain.

That was the mind of one cheater. Some it’s because of childhood trauma.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 12:52     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:There is no one size fits all. Some people cheat for pure physical pleasure, others because their current relationship is devoid of sex and intimacy. Usually a combination of both.


+1 Agree fm my own personal & friends' experiences. Either it's some underlying motivation/dysfunction within the cheater (these folks prob shouldn't be married); or the relationship is no longer worth saving, but they keep up the pretense for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 12:24     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.


Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.
I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision right now.


Such a coward reply. Again, it's making the decision for her that's the problem. You'll divorce her anyway when it's convenient for you so why not at least be a man and give her the option now. All you've said above are you rationalization of the situation because you're not doing the right thing by your wife because you want to have your cake and eat it too. She's kept in dark about this because it's convenient for you to do so now. You have rationalization above and it's focused on your narcissistic self.

See other post about how women are blinded by their husband's cheating. Do the right thing for her and for yourself. Go find someone else you'll be happy with at this point and give your wife a chance to find someone else when she's still relatively young. You're just a selfish a-hole.

And stop saying that women who disagree with you are harpies who aren't intimate with their husbands. Stop it. It's not true. We disagree because you're in the wrong. Along with your rationalization of a wrong act, this is just another trope that you use to attack people when they disagree with you.

Do the right thing. Tell your wife.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 12:18     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:^ like finds like. The only person that wants to sleep with you is another narcissistic liar betraying her own spouse and family. Really, your AP is as low class and low quality as you are.


True. They are delusional like that.

I’ve been married 22 years and we were having sex 3-4 times per week still.

Then my dad was terminally ill for 2 years, I lost 15 pounds (And I was very fit and thin to begin with so not good) and was an emotional wreck. He died and I was in mourning. I would shut my eyes and cry during sex because I was so hurt about losing my dad and was still fulfilling his needs. Yes- I probably should have gone to grief counseling. He had no idea. So, understandably, it wasn’t 3-4 times per week during that period. But it was picking up again as I was coming out of grief.

For a spouse of 22 years to run off and find another married person to cheat with during that time instead of helping his wife work through grief from the death of a father she talked to daily and had an incredibly close relationship (as did he)—that is some vile selfish narcissistic behavior. He justifies by saying he was helpful to me, my mom and kids during that time. Yet he was in touch with her the whole time but couldn’t see her in person.

Jesus- fking Christ

Men like that guy and my husband are incredibly selfish self-centered people that are narcissists. Textbook. It’s always about them. Cold and callous.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:53     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, I'm a woman and I think you're doing the least worst thing, given your options.
Great. Give me some better options that don't include me just accepting that I'll never have sex again while not blowing up my marriage.


My apologies. I didn't read that correctly. I missed the word, "least." Than you for understanding.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:30     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Cant add anything here.

Have a wife and 3 daughters. Even if I didn't love them all and love my wife, and even if I was someone with such an opportunity which I am not, and even if I were a lot of things.....the last thing I need is another needy female around. If I have some free time unaccounted for, I'd play some video games or watch porn and pleasure myself. Because that is the only sex I'm ever going to get from now on


Fixed that for you. Yes managing another female is tough. You have to have rules and set boundaries in an affair.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:28     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.


Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.
I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision right now.


FWIW, I'm a woman and I think you're doing the least worst thing, given your options.
Great. Give me some better options that don't include me just accepting that I'll never have sex again while not blowing up my marriage.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:25     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Cant add anything here.

Have a wife and 3 daughters. Even if I didn't love them all and love my wife, and even if I was someone with such an opportunity which I am not, and even if I were a lot of things.....the last thing I need is another needy female around. If I have some free time unaccounted for, I'd play some video games or read a book.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:22     Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.


Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.
I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision right now.


FWIW, I'm a woman and I think you're doing the least worst thing, given your options.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:11     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:^ like finds like. The only person that wants to sleep with you is another narcissistic liar betraying her own spouse and family. Really, your AP is as low class and low quality as you are.
Yes, thank God there are just as many men who deny their wives sex that APs are not hard to find. And they feel just as betrayed for being denied.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 11:05     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:
I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.


Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.


Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2020 10:59     Subject: Re:Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
^ like finds like. The only person that wants to sleep with you is another narcissistic liar betraying her own spouse and family. Really, your AP is as low class and low quality as you are.