Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?
To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.
However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.
Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?
I really wish OP would reply to this.
Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.
He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.
Yeah, and she refuses to work full time because... she doesn't want to. Maybe she won't make 70K, but she will make more than the 18K she currently makes, and she's still young enough that her salary will continue to rise. Many of us would all love to work part time and we don't because we have to pay for college and contribute to retirement. The bottom line is, her spouse is not on board and is not comfortable being the breadwinner for life. It sounds like the plan was for her to go back to work eventually and now she doesn't want to give up her cushy life. No sympathy here.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?
To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.
However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.
Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?
I really wish OP would reply to this.
Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.
He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?
To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.
However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.
Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?
I really wish OP would reply to this.
Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.
Anonymous wrote:NP here.
When DH asked me to become a SAHM after my 2nd kid was born, I refused at first. The way to get promoted in my particular field was through seniority. If I left the workplace, I would lose seniority and then I would have had to start from the bottom again. I also did not want my DH to become a jerk and disrespect my contribution later on, or my family to have financial difficulties and not be able to afford a decent life, college and retirement etc.
I told my DH that I would only quit if he could manage the college and retirement on his own and that I would never have to return to work again. When he readily agreed, I believed him because he had not touched a dime of my earnings through out our marriage and he had made me bank 100% of what I had earned under my name. Everything else we own jointly. Added to that was that there was no pre-nup or anything like that.
I also told him that I would retain the cleaning service etc. that I had when I was a WOHM. He agreed for that too. His rationale was that the cleaning service does the work that both he and I don't want to do, so that is a shared benefit.
My kids are in HS now, and DH is extremely grateful that I have been there to guide them through HS and college application process. When I was offered a full-time well paying job recently, my DH and kids were not happy after they realized that I will not be available to run things smoothly. DH is not a highest earner of DCUMland, but we are able to live comfortably (with some luxuries) in 40% of what he earns because we kept our fixed costs low.
I am sympathetic to OP's plight because if he did not have money woes, he probably would not have asked his wife to return to work FT. Also, most people do need the contribution of both spouse to secure their financial future. still, he needs to understand that the way he is approaching this is very disrespectful. This is a financial problem and both OP and his DW need to figure out a way to deal with it. I think his wife would be more amenable to going back to work after the kids go back to college.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?
To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.
However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.
Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?
I really wish OP would reply to this.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?
To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.
However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.
Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.
I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.
NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?
Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.
And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.
They are probably working and saved prior to that. That's pretty common around here to have/adopt kids when you are older.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.
I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.
NP here. You are really lucky if you had your kids at 30. We adopted ours at 37 and 42 after years of paying for infertility treatment out of pocket and then of course adoption too. See how you can’t assume because then you make a complete @ss of you(rself and not)me?
Again people making extreme examples to justify their crucial role as homemaker.
And PP, if you adopted at 42, is your kid a high schooler? Were you SAH during all the time you were trying? Your post literally has nothing to do with you.
Anonymous wrote:The responses on this thread are truly insane. I don’t even know what to say.
OP, you are not wrong at all. I hope you and your wife find some common ground on this. I would be frustrated in your shoes as well. High school kids don’t need a SAHM, as much as people are saying here otherwise.